A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Advice please?I've been with my current b/f for an extremely long time. He was my first back when I was in my teens. Well our relationship took a turn for the worst shortly after we started and I've been feeling bad about myself. Fights have been pretty bad ranging from hitting, on both our parts as well as mean words. I love him of course, but I think I need to move on. Unfortunately (and no he doesn't know) I turned to a friend (male) for comfort and we ended up making love and got close. The plan was for me to leave my current and move in with him and start a new happy life a few years back but then he cheated on ME and pushed me back into the safety net and remaining with my boyfriend. I tried again to work on this relationship with him, but then again it went back to fighting and then got much worse. AGAIN I turned to cheating but this time it happened differently. While at my lowest I met the most amazing man ever online and we literally poured our hearts out to one another and became so close... pretty much inseparable with talking when we could. He realizes the situation I'm in and first didn't admit he liked me because I was taken, but we did indeed fall head over heels and met twice now in person. I feel like a horrible person for cheating, but I feel alive for once in my life. This person isn't about just making me feel good about myself, but he does everything in his power to make me happy and reassures me constantly. I don't want to lose him... but I'm so attached to my current b/c I've been with him SO long! I don't know what to do, but I don't want to be a cheater anymore I need to make up my mind... I'm afraid to leave my safety net to start a new life with someone else... but if I don't I'll lose him... but if I do I risk getting hurt again and I couldn't handle that. I've enough emotional problems based on my past as is! Please help me, I don't want to be a bad person, I just want to be loved and cherished for who I am! Not told I'm basically the scum of the earth 24/7. As it stands, I hate myself thanks to my current. I feel trapped in my own emotions and fear. What do I do? Do I leave? Do I stay and try to work it out because we've been together so long? Am I wrong for falling in love with someone new? Help!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): I don't know if this will verify that I'm the original poster or not however I wanted to point out a few things to everyone.I AM indeed stuck in this relationship. I have been living with this person since I was barely a teenager. Once we moved to our own place things went down hill even more so which was horrible! I don't have friends, money, work (I've tried!), car, or anything not even family to help me! I have my mother and she had heart surgery etc and we both live in the same home as my boyfriend. I also have several pets. Truth is I have no where to go, I'm in a state where I know NO one, and don't have the means to be able to afford moving out etc. I feel trapped so that's the main reason I continued to remain in such a relationship in hopes it'd work. And I do love my current, however it's a love because I'm USED to him, because I don't like him. As we've grown older I've stopped hitting etc because I grew up where as he calls me bad names and becomes kind of physical on his own now and I don't understand. The other guy is not the escape goat, I've had PLENTY of men interested in me and try to make me move in with them but I was not comfortable with the idea of not only leaving my current but to rush into anything. The 'other' guy who I talk to now (it's been a year now) has been there for me and if he wasn't living on school campus with no job atm because he's working on his degree I'd definitely have moved out to be with him but it's impossible to do so atm, and the fact he lives extremely far away makes things so much harder! We do have a plan but it won't happen until later this year at the least. ;o/ I honestly couldn't imagine myself being without the other one, he's such a good person and has helped me through so much, I know his flaws his good sides everything. He was hurt before and we both knew we couldn't handle it again but when we're together we're secure happy and completely in love. Just waiting for the day we can indeed put our plans into effect.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): I think k_c100 pretty much covered it there, i'm just going to say i concur. You must be strong and happy with your self to allow you to move on "to thine own self be true" (as the great bard once said - or wrote, or didn't write if you believe that 2011 movie film...)
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (2 February 2012):
Why dont you just end your current relationship, in which you are far from happy being in? You dont have to go straight to another or seek out a fast replacement. Why are you so afraid of being single? You need to feel good about yourself without reassurance. What if he slows down his reassurance? If you are dependant on him for making you feel good about yourself, then he will eventually tire and see you as having his hands full. Your love life will become a cycle. You would benefit more from being single and meeting someone with common interest, and not purely based upon their skill in making you feel good about yourself. We are all unique and just as important as each other, and that includes you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): Well the current boyfriend has not given you much joy and seems bad for you so better to move on from that. But the grass is not always greener: the real nitty gritty of relationships always comes out later.
I think you need to work on your own emotional needs, build your self-esteem and work out why you stay with someone who doesn't treat you right. I suggest you approach your doctor for some counselling and read some self-help books/websites. Once you are strong in yourself you will be more likely to find someone who meets your needs. It could be that the new man will do so long-term, but still I think you need to work on yourself.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (2 February 2012):
 Regardless of any new man - the simple fact is your are not happy with your boyfriend and you dont want to be with him. He is your safety blanket, but he is only protecting you from being alone, which isnt as bad as you will think!
You have an abusive relationship, you fight a lot, you cheat....realistically there is nothing left to hold onto. You dont love him if you can cheat on him, you dont respect him and you dont care about him. All he is to you is a person to be in bed next to at night - he is just a body, not anything more.
Why are you afraid of being single? Why do you stay when you are unhappy? You dont love him, so that is not the reason. And he is not really 'safety' because you are both physically abusive towards each other. So he doesnt actually offer you ANYTHING hence why I am struggling to understand why you have stayed with him.
You are wrong for cheating and falling in love with other people - basically you are just looking for an escape from your current relationship, you are so petrified of being alone that you have to have a new boyfriend lined up ready to replace the old one otherwise you wont leave. You dont love any of these guys, they are just an escape from your reality. You cannot love someone when you are still in a relationship with someone else, if it was true love then you would have left your boyfriend in a flash because the risk would be more than worth it.
But something is holding you back from taking that risk, and that is because deep down you will know that whoever this next man is, you are not going to be happy with him either.
And why is that? Because you are not happy with yourself as a person. You have been in a relationship so long that you dont know who YOU are. Think about how much you have changed since you were a teenager. I bet you are a completely different person to the person you were when you were last single. But have you ever stopped to get to know yourself? Really taken time to figure out what you like, what you dont like, what you want from life, what makes you happy, what makes you cry....
How do you expect to find a man who will make you happy if you dont make yourself happy? How do you expect a man to love you if you dont love yourself?
You need to stop all this nonsense and be single. That is the only way for you to ever find this man who will love and cherish you. But you need to be single for a while, and by a while I mean at least 6 months, ideally a year. And that means no talking to other guys, no dates - literally 6 solid months of being single.
Yes it is daunting, but you need to stop leaning on men and learn to be by yourself. You totally depend on men for your happiness at present, and that means you will never be happy in a relationship. You are always going to look for another man as soon as something goes wrong, and cheating will always be your answer to make you happy.
However if you learn to be happy just being you, on your own - then you wont take any baggage into the next relationship.
Try being single, honestly I think it is the best option for you. Clearly the relationship with your boyfriend has not been working for a long time, that absolutely has to end. As for the other man - if he really is the right man for you then perhaps he will still be around in 6 months or so once you have taken some time out from relationships.
But keep in mind - you have been with your boyfriend so long that you have to take some time before the next relationship to be single, you have to allow yourself to get over the break up and adjust to life without him. You cant just jump into bed with the next man and replace him immediately, that will doom the relationship from the start.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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