A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am married to my wife of 13 years. I recently found out that my first fiance was forced to break up with me by our mothers because she'd gotten pregnant. They forced her to hide this and she lost the baby 5 months later. She hid this from me for 18 years. She told my wife before me and my wife was willing to let me go to be with her. We have 3 kids and 2 years after this confession we have grown apart and are around just for the kids. I want to be with my 1st love and have the family we wanted but I don't want to lose my kids in the process.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (12 November 2009):
 So you'd let her sleep with him "as it was only fair", in other words because she let you sleep with your first love. What does your heart tell you though? Would you be happy to let her sleep with someone else that she had such strong feelings for if the past hadn't happened?I don't doubt that you tried everything to make your wife happy but the fact remains, your heart was with someone else and she KNEW this and she was hurting. Is it any wonder she was aggravated and wanted to pick fights with you? I don't know if this marriage is reconcilable or if there has been too much damage done, what I do know is that you will have to make a decision one way or another, for your kids, your wife and your own sanity.~Eve~
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): What a good husband you have been to your wife. F*cking the w*ore and still making time for the wife sexually. You really do know how to take care of both women’s needs. Stop making excuses for your PATHETIC behaviour as a husband. I hope you grow some balls and make a decision. As for your wife, at long last she got her head screwed on the right way. You have hurt her, betrayed your kids and wife and now she is indifferent to you. Serves you right! I also hope that while she was internalising your wrong doing she decided to seek comfort in another mans arms. After all OP, what is good for the goose is definitely good for the gander. I think your wife realises that she has invested too much pof her life with a man not fit to be her husband. I also think your wife has realised that you are not worth the effort anymore. You have not been in your marriage for the last 3 years and hey who can blame your wife. Imagine her knowing that you were f*cking the great lust of your life and then come back home for her to take care of your laundry. Instead of worrying about the ex who lost the baby (how many years ago??????) worry about your 3 kids. Instead of acting like a drama queen start acting like a father. You are not a good role model and well only time will tell regarding the kids. You expected their mother to lie about the state of the marriage, lie about you f*cking around and yet you wanted to keep up the pretence of a happy marriage. What a fake and a sham of a marriage. If you are indeed lucky your wife should change the locks to the home when you are not around. In that way you would have gotten an answer whether your wife is fed up with your antics or not. My heart goes out to your wife. She doesn’t deserve this treatment of her. You have abused your position as a husband and you have emotionally berated your wife. No wonder she cannot stand touching and being intimate with you. Watch she doesn’t give you your marching orders soon, after all you have taken her for granted and you do not know just how good you have it until well, you lose it. then you will have only yourself to blame for the state of your life, now it is so convenient to blame the wife . Personally i think i have wasted time posting this to you since you have a one track mind and NOTHING anyone say will change what you have become. I cannot fathom the pain you put your wife through. She is really a remarkable woman to put up with a weak man who calls himself a husband. stop whining about your life. the aunts here have read you so well. darling OP the fault is not your wife. it is YOU. YOUR kids will have no respect for you once your stink comes out. you are the only reason you will lose them. since you have not been good moral husband and father.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEve. The ex moved away 17 mos ago so she wasnt on my mind during my home time. I tried everything to plz my wife and make her happy. But it seems like every day she was trying to start a fight in hopes i would hit her. In 18 yrs i have never hit her. As for if i was in her shoes the answer is yes i would let her sleep with another cause it was only fair to let me do it.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (11 November 2009):
I feel there is much more to this story than meets the eye. She must have been distraught to ask you to quit your jobs to stay at home with her. This was obviously to try to get close to you again. She's thought having you around the house would bring you closer together again. She's seen that was NOT the case, you weren't showing her any more attention, only moping around thinking of this first love. How would you feel if you were in your wife's position and she was in love with her first love? Would you give her your blessing to go and sleep with him? Would you still make love to her, wondering if she was thinking about him all the time? She is going through so much at the moment, keeping the kids together and trying to put on a brave face in every day life but she's hurting like hell inside! You NEED to make a decision one way or another. My advice to you is to CHOOSE... the wife or the first love. Come on, you can't keep living in limbo like this, it's not fair to anyone. MAKE THAT CHOICE!~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEve. Sorry i didnt clarify. The sex happened 3 yrs ago. We stopped sleeping with each other shortly afterwards. About a yr later is when my wife moods and tendencies changed. Dont get me wrong i still love her but when she forced me to quit jobs to be home more for her then did nothing but complain that i am around too much and wish i was back on the road.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (11 November 2009):
"We have had sex with my wifes blessing before. And even when we did i never ignored my wife. In fact it spiced up our sex life when i alternated days between each on having sex. But the prior love and passion was still there after these yrs. This was 3 yrs ago and my problems now only been the last 15 mos." THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR 3 YEARS??? You have a wife in a million. It's not every day your spouse would give "her blessing" for her husband to sleep with is first love again. You are having your cake and eat it mate. 3 years on and you're still bed hopping?
You say you still love and want to be with your first love. So be it... BE WITH HER! Stop screwing up your wife's life coming back to be the "dutiful" husband. You'll still be able to see your kids, that is your right so that's not an excuse for staying. You need to put closure on this scenario once and for all instead of jumping between the two women. You are causing more stress to your wife AND your kids staying in the family home. The kids will be picking up the vibes that all is not well, okay they don't know the details but they're not stupid. They can feel the tension too.
So make your decision... you either leave to be with your first love exclusively or tell her too much time has passed and you have another life now and try to make it up to your long suffering wife IF she'll have you!
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Life was not fair to you and your ex. It was terrible what happened then. There's no way to go back and do it over again. There, that is the past.
Here we are, in the present, looking at the future. You chose to get married and have chidren. You have put yourself in this place.
Your wife agreed it was okay for you to sleep with this first love. Then she apparently has changed her mind. Do you blame her for not wanting to share her husband? For being irritated and unhappy and upset that he'd rather not be with her, given his 'druthers?
I often ask this of our posters and I think none of them has ever managed to do it: write this question from your wife's perspective. Put yourself in your wife's shoes and write the question she would ask here. My theory is that some people who are caught in dilemmas like yours are so wrapped up in their own point of view that they don't have any empathy for the other party--they've become so disconnected from the other person that they're not even willing to try to understand.
Why does it matter whether or not you understand the other person? Because if you don't care enough to try to see the other person's side, you don't care enough to try to fix it. If you're that wrapped up in yourself, and it's all about you--well, anything anyone advises that doesn't feed the me-monster is going to be dismissed as unhelpful.
So will you manage to be the first to write the question from the other party's side? My money is on 'no.'
As q1605 has put it, you don't want to stay, you can't leave. Even if you didn't choose the circumstances, you did choose your wife. At one point, you said, 'yes, I'll stay with you and honor you and forsake all others'. So you've changed your mind. What are your options?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha. What i meant by losing the kids was that we 3 agreed to not engage in anything around the kids. Only away from them. If i did leave my wife for my ex they wouldnt understand. To g1605. The main thing is me and my ex didnt break up on our own. Our mothers used threats of harm to her to hide the pregnancy and then sent to each of us a piss off letter to break up. They found out she was going to tell me and they threatened to kill her if i found out the truth. I know it to be true cause her mom killed her dad when she was 7 and got away with it so she was scared
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2009):
If your wife is okay with this, then why are you worried about losing the children?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAskeve. Yes we have seen each other. Me B and P have had long discusions about everything. To g1605. We have had sex with my wifes blessing before. And even when we did i never ignored my wife. In fact it spiced up our sex life when i alternated days between each on having sex. But the prior love and passion was still there after these yrs. This was 3 yrs ago and my problems now only been the last 15 mos.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (10 November 2009):
Are you still in touch with your first love and if so by what means? Have you seen her picture in 30 years? People change with time, not just physically but emotionally and mentally too. What you had with her all those years ago might never be rekindled the way it was all those years ago. The only way you'll know is to meet up with her platonically.In your wife's defence, she's pushing you away because deep down she's hurting in all of this. You are preferring your first love to her, is it any wonder she hardly has sex with you any more? You need to make a decision once and for all, either meet up with her platonically, see how you both get on then make a decision one way or the other. It's not fair to keep your wife (and yourself) in limbo this way wondering about what could be. Like I said before, she will NOT be the same person you knew all these years ago. All the thoughts and fantasies you have inside your head might about the past (and the future) might just be ideals you have... Only YOU can decide if it is worth throwing away 13 years of marriage (which will cause both your wife AND kids a lot of hurt) to be with your first love.Good luck in whatever you decide.~Eve~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow what a txpical female response. Ask a serious question and get punked. If u cant answer thoughtfully then dont say anything
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): you are wasting your wifes life. stop being a wissy and try being a man. your actions are not that of a husband and you live in a fairytale. you are a drama queen. no wonder your wife wants anything to do with you. you have taken so much of liberties and if she has any sense she should kick you out of her life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell B, we will use initials to make it easier, i have known for nearly 30 yrs. P is my wife i have known for 18. Well our moms went way overboard to break us up. B's mom i found out later threaten to kill her if she ever told me. P asked me what i thought of a divorce so i could be with B and i told her no. But the last two yrs P has pushed me away and tries everything to drive me off including my losing my job and and refusing to allow me to remain friends with B and all but stop making love with me. We used to do it 7 to 10 times a month now lucky i get it once.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): The grass is always greener and all that. You and your wife have stood the test of time and what you remember about the other one is just the good times. If it had been the other way round and you had stayed with her you would probably be the same. So think of ways to put the spark back into your relationship, get help if you need to, because we all idealise our first love.
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