A
female
age
41-50,
*aiting...
writes:Here's my story I will try to make cut it short. My husband left us (me and our 2 kids) 8 weeks ago. He said he didn't know how he felt about me any more; he felt that I was controlling and he felt tied. The second week into our seperation I lost it and had a blow up... pushing him further. 2 weeks ago when he dropped off our kids, he imformed me that he wanted to sell the house because he couldn't afford his own apartment (he moved in with his parents) and our family home. He bought the sign and has yet to put it up... it's been over 2 weeks! He keeps sending me mixed signals. He says he doesn't love me any more. (I didn't like who I was when he left either.) We've been married for 7 years, together for 16. Our marriage has been rocky the past 4 years; since we had kids. The daily stress of life got to us and we got snappy and argued a lot. He said that he can't look past the negatives and feels that's the end for us. He sees our kids every 2-3 nights and calls every night to tell them goodnight. He also said he didn't know how he would feel in a few months, but for now he had to get out and doesn't see himself coming back. I have started therapy to deal with my issues that caused strain on our marriage; to better myself. He told a family member (on my side) that he just wanted TIME to think and he feels pressured into making a decision, hence the sale of the house. He also said he saw changes in me, but I can't change overnight. I just don't know anymore. I love him and want NOTHING more than my family to be reunited. I come from a divorced family... I so don't want this for my kids! I want to give him his time, but I feel that he is just backing away. I don't know what to do any more! He says one thing... but does the other. Am I being silly thinking that he could come back? (there's so much more to this story..... just too much to type on here.)
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female
reader, Waiting... +, writes (9 November 2009):
Waiting... is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Guys!
I asked a few times for him to join me...he doesn't want to.
We are high school sweethearts, hence the 9 years before the commitment. He went to see a therapist...the first weeks we were apart. The therapist told him his flame was burnt out. Told him to do a Pro's and Con's list on the relationship and he would get his answer. No follow-up necessary. OF COURSE the list was negative....he is such in a negative frame of mind.
I have been thinking alot about...do I want this back because that's all I know? Because we have been together so long? I truly do love him. I truly think that we can make this work. As long as he could see that I have made changes, the rest would fall into place. We both had issues in the relationship, but mine stoop out more and caused the "crash"
I beleive he is enjoying his freedom "too much"...
A
female
reader, Waiting... +, writes (9 November 2009):
Waiting... is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI asked him a few times to join me, he doesn't want to.
:-(
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Together for 16 years, married for 7. NINE years of dating before the marriage?
It might make sense if you two got married once out of school and dated for most of your teen life but if that is not the reason, why did it take SO long to commit?
What often happens in these situations of trial seperation is that people suddenly find their "freedom" as a single person again coupled with all the negative feelings of the relationship.
Right now, he can sleep out on the weekends, no kids baring in at 6 in the morning. No kids puking in the middle of the night, no wives make-up taking all the space in the bathroom, no nagging about take out the garbage... you get the idea.
Of course, he might be reluctant to actually push through with the divorce, but at the same time, there is that freedom.
Marriage is more then just love. It is also getting someone to do the washing and make the food and sex, and it is nagging to do the chores and headaches and moodswings.
What you got to ask yourself is this. Is the marriage for both of you still more then this? More then just room and board with the occasional screw?
You could be a couple having a mid life crisis thing "is this all there is?". You been together practically your whole life and sometimes people start to wonder.
Or you could be yet another couple who didn't survive the stresses of parenthood. Daily life quickly becomes a monotome routine, you no longer kiss him goodbye in the morning, he no longer brings flowers for no reason then he thinks you are the most beautiful woman in the whole world. Romance becomes daily slur.
But if you want to save your marriage, you first got to ask, what is it I am saving. Love or an arrangement between adults who have grown apart over the years?
Oh, and why are only you seeking help? Even if the issue is with you, he should also be talking with someone about it, because he has done nothing to help it go away on its own, instead, he ran. That suggest he has somethings to work out as well. Often it helps just to be able to vent things to a pro. Would be better if you vented it together but still.
It takes TWO to make a marriage work and people forget that "work" is a verb.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 November 2009):
It would be a shame if it couldn't and I'm not sure yet if that's the case. It would really be useful if he went to the therapy with you so you could both talk about how you feel. It just sounds like there's been a huge lack of communication between you two. It#s great that you've started to see a therapist, because at least he can see you're trying. You must try to persuade him to come with you and talk to the therepist with you.
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