A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am thinking I want to get engaged to my girlfriend. We have been living together for some years now and it just feels like it's time to make it official.I don't know very much about her romantic past. I know she had a boyfriend who cheated on her and I have an idea of about how many men she may have slept with, but I really don't know how many serious boyfriends she's had, why those relationships ended, or what she learned from them. Part of me thinks it is none of my business, which is why I never really asked. On the other hand, I feel like I could really understand her better if I knew a little bit more about her past experiences. Did she end the relationships or did they? What didn't work? What can we, as a couple, learn from that? For example, if one of her old boyfriends did something that she found intolerable (other than the cheating, obviously) then I might like to know what that is so that I don't go there myself. I don't really want her to dissect all of her old relationships for me. That is water that passed under the bridge a long time ago. However, I think a little bit of information would be nice if we are going to get married and have a lasting marriage. For example, she has never asked me about my old girlfriends at all, but I have noticed that sometimes she makes assumptions about them (and me by proxy) that just aren't true. I don't care if she thinks badly about them to some extent (I expect she might hate them all), but I do care when it reflects on me and my values. For instance, she has this assumption that my girlfriend prior to me meeting her was the biggest vampy slut on the planet (based on how she dressed and her flirty personality) and that I was a desperate loser for dating the town bicycle, but the reality is that I was only the second guy she had ever been with. I try to clear up those misconceptions when we run across them, but it makes me wonder how many others she holds. I am sure I am holding some as well.Is this the sort of thing couples talk about prior to marriage or should I just let those sleeping dogs lie? I don't want to be bitten by this later in the marriage when I (exaggerating) take to golf and she reveals that she broke up with every old boyfriend because she felt like a golf widow. (Granted, we should have had these talks a long time ago, but we didn't and I can't go back and fix that.) Thanks for your advice, Aunts.
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male
reader, Deathbunny +, writes (11 February 2012):
I'm of two minds on this...One, because you're there now, implies what's in the past doesn't matter...Two, because you're there now, what happened in the past is why you're there in the first place.Relationships are something we tend to learn how to have. We can watch examples--mom/dad, family, friends--but most of what we end up learning is through trial and error and--if you've ever learned how to cook pancakes--it's usually a big freaking mess long before we get to something that you want on a plate.By bringing these up, you would essentially be trying to figure out just what body parts are IN that sausage link. (Which may be informative, but most people don't really want to know in hindsight.) You might find out some stuff that tends more toward the "error" end of trial and error spectrum that your girlfriend now knows well, but you probably don't want to think about her doing.Additionally, most of those potential errors, if they were critical, impacting you in the future, would probably have smacked you in the forehead by now...So, do so at your own risk.If you do, expect her to ask about your past errors as well. Additionally, you might phrase it in a way like "In your judgement, is there anything in your past that might be important in our future?"(Which likely isn't going to be an informative answer.)"Sure, Bob, I spent a year in Jamaica and adopted out the twin sons I had there with a local priest... They might come looking for me in a few years." isn't a likely thing to come up because it's a) not likely to have happened and b) emotionally costly situations that were probably well grieved and emotionally resolved aren't usually seen to be currently relevant by women. "I was actually a lesbian biker from age 12 until I saw you and just had to switch teams for your dimples..." is also something most women would probably avoid because attraction isn't something you're likely to miss (or the tattoos from being a bikey).So, good luck with that...
A
female
reader, uroboros  +, writes (11 February 2012):
u might slip the question during one of your small talks if you really feel the urge to do so, but if she answers briefly, or doesn't answer at all let it go. she has a past and a right to keep it to herself, just respect it.
good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): OP here:I did not say I am insecure or jealous. I don't want to compare myself to anyone. However, it seems strange to me that I don't know basic things about her like who her first kiss was with, how many times she has been in love, or how many serious long-term relationships she has had. I think that maybe we could learn more about each other if we talked a little bit about what we look for in a partner and what we avoid. I want to say that I completely disagree with this statement by the way:"What I did in my past has no bearing on me being wife material today. [T]here is no reason to bring up my past because it does not affect me now."Everything we have learned and everything we have become is a result of past events to some extent. I feel like I would like to know more about her before I commit. For example, if she has been married and divorced twelve times before I think that's something I should know and, yes, it might make her seem less desirable to me as a mate. Better to learn that now than after we are married, I think.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): I seem to have a different opinion on this to a lot of people as I've heard this question crop up a few times and quite a few people have said 'it's none of your business!', but I personally think it's completely your business. Yes I understand it's not relevant now and it was before you. But I believe if you're completely serious with someone and plan on marrying them, you should ALWAYS know that person 100% inside and out. So you not knowing this information, whether it's relevant or not, there's still something you don't know about her. A good, healthy relationship is ALL about trust and opening up to one another.Everybody has different rules in relationships and some people don't like to know that stuff at all, but for me, I like to know everything. There could be so, SO much more you don't know about this girl. If I never asked my boyfriend about his past, he would never have bought it up and I would have carried on thinking he was someone he actually wasn't. You say it should have been bought up years ago, but I think this is the sort of stuff that should be bought up AFTER years, or whenever you become serious with each other. It wouldn't be right asking personal stuff about someone you hardly know/aren't serious with, THAT would be weird. If it was me, I couldn't marry someone if I didn't know this information. I don't know if it's just me who feels like this, but if my boyfriend had 100 one night stands, I'd want to know about it, because quite frankly that would put me off marrying him all together. Someone's past say's a lot about a person, and without knowing that, you don't fully know the person.If you really want to ask her, ask her. But also remember, you have to be fully prepared in case there's anything you may not like, if you think you can't cope with what ever she may tell you, don't ask her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2012):
 you have been living with her... you want to marry her
that says you already know everything you need to know and she wants you to know....
I say NO do not bring this up....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 You go into this for the purpose of understanding each other's preferences, and not to judge or fear being judged. You can learn from each other without talking about exes. You can generalize by asking what she learned from the past experience without bashing anyone, and so could she. It is always wise to be as positive as possible to minimize the effect of triggering each other's insecurity. I know I have things I would rather not reveal to my partner about my past. What I did in my past has no bearing on me being wife material today. So I would not push my partner for secrets he wouldn't want to share. I believe that the right partner would accept who I am but if there is no reason to bring up my past because it does not affect me now, there is no need to.
You have been living with her so I suppose there are many things you already know about her such as lifestyle, philosophy and common values. If you don't then give it more time before proposing. People don't get married because it's time or it's the right thing to do. They get married because they have no doubts that they are right for each other and if there are changes in the future, boredom, sickness, they can handle it. Living together is like a practice marriage. A piece of paper only means that it's harder to undo the tie, that's all. A good advice would be to focus on all the good and burn the negatives list. Even with all the preparation you can bound to find something you don't like in each other. To focus on the negatives and to complain, whine and try to change each other is a recipe for failure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): Absolutely not in my case.
I think it is private and none of anyone else's business.
If you have full trust in your partner then I cannot see that you would even be thinking this way. Even though you say you think it will help you understand her better. How?
if you care enough about her to ask her to marry you then you should already feel comfortable enough to know her well enough.
I was vaguely aware of past relationships in curent/past husband's pasts. But I could not care less, and I have no need to know.
Because it is irrelevant.
My focus is on the present and the future.
What I had for lunch on 10.1.2007 is just as irrelevant as what time I brushed my hair on 4.23.2008. As is who I was seeing on 6.14.1999. or where I was on 12.12.1997. it is puerile nonsense top think these things impact on you. The personality of a person from the past in some way impacts on you? Someone you never met and may never meet and who your partner no longer talks to, or may say 'hi'to in passing, but she no longer knows their phone number.
Your partner is who is she today - yes based on the past. But who she is today is in the PRESENT and she has become this person due to past events. And now your job is just to deal with her as she is now, in the PRESENT. And who she is now with you is a different person to who she was when she was younger and with a different guy. So what?
We al grow and change. And cope.
If you are looking for a reason to not get engaged to your girl then just break up now and safe yourself all the misery you will inflict to ruin your current relationship once you have extracted eery last nuance of her past relationships.
If you are insecure and you want validation that you are better than her past partners then prepare for disappointment. Sometiems a girl may do some trade offs.
1. Good in bed but unreliable with money = GONE
2. Sensational in bed but cannot remain faithful = GONE
3. Reliable and kind and a bit of a worrier, but will remain faithful even though has a lot to learn bout loving = yes, take a chance as will be a better father than the first two = but may later break up with Mr 3 as the sex is so boring.
4. Has a lot to learn but I think I feel comfortable with him and I really care about him. And given time he can learn to be better in bed. At least know he is faithful = yes, take a chance and grow together with love and trust self evident. he seems willing to learn to be better in bed.
Leave the past in the past. Jealousy will kill off the strongest relationship at 600 paces.
I have a theory that a couple in love and secure within themselves grow to look better and better
Conversely a mis-matched couple seem to show on their faces, after a few years, when all is not well.
if jealousy is a problem that you have then get some counselling and treatment for it. But try not to destroy her heart while you get help for your shortcoming. (lack of trust and possible poor judgement )
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A
male
reader, needpeaceofmind +, writes (11 February 2012):
Listen buddy, do yourself and your girlfriend a huge favor- DO NOT under under circumstances bring this up. It could open up a pandora's box! It is none of your business just like you stated...remember that. It really serves no purpose....none....you will not get the answers that you really want to hear. You won't understand her better or learn anything because the past is the past and those relationships didn't involve you in any way, shape or form. Please concentrate on the here and now.....just stay in the present and truly enjoy one another.. She is with you now and that is all that matters. Leave the past in the past....I really hope you listen to me on this matter because all it did for me was cause a lot of unnecessary pain for me and more importantly to my wonderful wife. Please listen to what I said and good luck to both of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): How do you date let alone move in with someone and not ask these valid questions and concerns from the beginning of your relationship?
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