A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiyaHope you all can offer me some advice.I have been with my bloke for 7 months now. He has kids which I haven't met yet as I thought it was only fair to them that myself and paul were stable 1st.However, the kids and I speak on the phone, and we are all curious and want to meet each other. The only problem is though, is his ex. She is now engaged but she tells his children they are not allowed to speak to me. Paul wants us to meet, but he keeps on saying "he is trying to lightly persuade her to let us meet" (he says he is doing this so we don't have any problems long term) but I think differently. They r always arguing, but the other day when I asked a general question about his ex and her partner and whether they were still together, he said when he put his little girl to bed the other day, he noticed another picture of his ex and her partner together.My fella and I don't see each other at wknds at all, and this is getting to me slightly. He spends all week at my house, but then goes home to look after his kids. Which I have said, he childcare should never change.My impression is that he is scared of his ex. She does throw tantrums etc but then she is fine. I know he loves me, but I feel like he has this whole other life that he won't let me into, because of his ex. I would understand it if the kids have a problem, but they don't.What's everyones opinions on this?Thanks everyone x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Deathbunny  +, writes (11 February 2012):
For a man who is still engaged with his children, the custodial parent--usually the mother--has a lot of control. Even if there are legal protections, there's enough wiggle room for a mother to manipulate the situation to her own liking many times with his only other option being an uphill legal and financial battle.So, assuming you've got the info you claim to have, it doesn't seem far-fetched in this case.Additionally, the ex-wife--in spite of being engaged--seems to be using that tool or the threat of it to get cheap childcare and exert dominance over his relationship with you. Which is one reason she's averse to you meeting the children. She doesn't want you and them to like each other which would risk lowering her influence over them (and her ex-husband).Paul is scared and probably has a good understanding that his ability to freely see his children depends on his ex's good graces. This is a pretty rational way to look at things. So, at the moment, this "game" is being run by his ex and there isn't much you can do about it.The fact she's engaged will probably change things, once that solidifies. Depending on the man, the new husband may come out as either an advocate for Paul when things are legal or as an even worse problem if he wants to "throw his weight around". In many cases, the man might see Paul as a way to get more alone time with the ex-wife and things might improve because the new husband benefits from Paul having more influence over the kids. Or he might choose to move somewhere else with the whole kit-and-caboodle in tow.So, yes, he does at the current time have "this whole other life". But, no, it doesn't sound like he WANTS to keep you out of it. If you're serious about Paul, you might still want to continue to support him emotionally through this and be flexible when the changes occur...Good luck.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (11 February 2012):
 No doubt your boyfriend loves his children, but I suspect it isn't his only motive for allowing his ex to control his life. Many men have an understandable fear of being hauled back to court for greater child support payments. He may be using 'access to the kids' as a cover to illicit your patience and support, and to keep you from making demands of your own.
It is no great feat of creative genius for him to consult an attorney. He doesn't have to spend thousands and commit to an ongoing relationship. He could pay a nominal fee for an hours worth of one's time. Many, here in Canada anyway, offer a free half hour consultation. And it would be a small price to pay for greater freedom and control in his own life. So what's stopping him? He would certainly consider it if his employer refused to pay him.
This business may be the centre of his life, but it need not, and should not, be the centre of yours. Your boyfriend has more reason to cow tow to his ex than you have for putting up with it.
Ultimately your well being is your responsibility and you've got some decisions of your own to make. I don't see his situation being resolved any time soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): Their relationship is still going strong which is why there's no room for you. It's just that their relationship has morphed to where they're no longer living together or sleeping with each other. But the relationship is still intact in all other ways via the dynamics, control, power structure.Of course if divorced people share kids then they will always have to be in each others' lives to some extent so that does mean they will always have some kind of a relationship.But what I mean when I say he's still "in a relationship with her", is that their relationship is very close in the sense that she still owns him and has control over his daily life and thoughts. there is still a lot of overlap and enmeshment in their lives.I don't think there's anything you can do because this is his life and his decisions. I would advise you to leave him, I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but he's demonstrating that he's not ready to be in a relationship with you or with anyone else right now. he may think he is, and he may say he is, but his actions speak louder and they all say he's not. He is not exercising his judgment on what to do with his kids, as a parent, instead he is letting her make all his decisions for him. She is basically his boss (just like when they were still married probably). and I think that it's only if he loses you and possibly also loses whoever will be his next gf for the same reason then would he ever wake up and look at his situation in a different way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): Get a new guy. If the guy hasn't got his balls back from his EX then what more can you do?
She's an abusive, controlling, bully that uses her outbursts and tantrums to still emotionally abuse and control him. He doesn't see it. He is still apart of the corrosive relationship because he is used to her abuse.
The only way he may see reason is via counselling. Suggest that.
He either puts you and your relationship first or keep submitting to his Ex and serving her. And you can't serve two masters.
Really, he should be his own.
From one that has been through it with my Fiance--counselling or hit the road.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2012): I would also like to add that the other day, he told me that his ex has left him a note telling him when he was having the kids over the holidays, one of them was valentines day. He told me he had these suspicions that his ex did this so he would not get to go out at all (which I personally don't mind, I don't need valentines day and he loves having his kids). Just got to me that he told me his suspicions. Thanks again for reading x
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