A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Agony Aunties and Uncles,Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am aware that I am being extreme and have crossed some privacy boundaries, but before I take it to another extreme I thought I would check in with the community.I have been dating a guy for about 8 month and along the 6 month mark, we decided to stop seeing one another for various reasons. We had been on a break for about a month, and then decided that our feeling were greater than we initially thought and so we reconciled.Cut to yesterday morning where I went through his cell phone (I know, it's horrible, I wish I had never done it to be honest) and happened to see a text that rose potential red flags.The text was dated May 15th, at this time we were currently on a break. It was to a random unlisted number and it said: "I'll be home on time from work tonight! Wanna to stop by, around 7pm?"Now, let me explain why this text is bothering me:1)On May 14th he had text me trying to re-kindle things. I said we should talk in person, and when he didn't call me a few days down the line, I emailed him May 17th saying that I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't really seem interested and that we should let it go. He responded on May 18th, by saying he was overwhelmed with work and taking his mother (she has stage 4 cancer) to doctor appointments. Come to find out, he was apparently not too busy to hang out with someone on the 15th. It bothers me that he lied to me.2) The text came from a number which was not on his phonebook. This tells me it is not a friend/family he was texting.3) The text also seemed like it was to a woman. He would have not used an "!" point in his text if it was to a man, knowing him. And, from all I know of him, he does not have any female friends and has a very tight social circle in general.4) The text was also on a date his mother is not home. He takes care of his mother because she has cancer. 5) It sounded like whoever he was texting had insight into his days, so they were intimate and knew of his schedule. By saying "I'll be home on time from work tonight," it sounded like they had been talking for some time.I know I sound psychotic, and I do have some major trust issues with men. I am just really bothered by this. More than anything, it bothers me that he might still be talking to this person.So I have three options:1) Drop it. Should have been in his phone anyway. Make it a rule to not go in his phone. The text were all from a time when we weren't together anyway.2) Bring it up to him. Tell him I saw a text on his phone and try to have a conversation with him about it.3) Put spyware on his phone, the nuttiest of all options, but somehow still an option.What do you all think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all your input!!! It really helps everyone.
Yes, I do have a deep seated issue in mistrust. I came from a house with dysfunction and cheating/lying was one of them, so I realize it stems from childhood issues. It is not so much that I don't trust him, it really that I have a hard time trusting men in general.
I thought about it and spyware is deceptive, invasive, and going to drum up more distrust. I need to work on my issues, being loving and kind to myself and the child that was really hurt by my parents. To me, reaching out to this community is a step towards change.
I decided to try to let it go, and if after a few weeks I am unable to do so, reconsider having a talk about it. I am going to focus on the now and not the past, he is really good to me and we are in love. It has helped to talk about the issue here. I am still hurt about it, but time changes things and let it be a lesson to me and my snooping.
Thanks again everyone!!! I really appreciate the help:)
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 This is one of the most bizarre options that I have ever heard of!! Seriously, get a hold on yourself! If you dont trust this guy and its gotten to a point where you're considering installing sypware on his phone, then PLEASE break up with him...for good. It's the best option for both you and him. You cant keep spying on him in this way and you will drive yourself insane trying to imagine what exactly transpired between him and some woman.
Any relationship can never exist without trust OP, and if you dont trust this guy then it can never work. Maybe you can patch things up temporarily and choose to turn a blind eye for the time being, but sooner or later the trust issues with crop up again and dealing with this will prove to be a nightmare.
More than him though, the problem seems to be with you OP. Why do you have such serious trust issues with men? Assuming you do get out of this relationship and meet someone else, can you say for sure that this problem wont come up again? You need to work on yourself first.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 July 2013):
 I think putting spyware on is ludicrous to be really frank. You don't OWN him, nor do you pay his cell phone bill. Just because you are dating someone it doesn't ( I will repeat) it DOESN'T give you the right to go through his phone.
I can understand that things are still a little up in the air for you two because the both of you felt like a break was needed and now you are back together, trying to make things work.
I doubt you will be able to do #1 and #3 is just... NO. So TALK to him, but understand that when you two were broken up you were NOT together, which means he CAN have dinner with someone else (even a female) -there was nothing "flirty" in the text. The things is though, what IF he had dinner with another woman? Are you ready to deal with that?
Trust is a HUGE part of a relationship and if you don't have that, what do you have then? DO you want to look over his shoulder for the rest of the time you two are together to make SURE he doesn't do "bad" thing" ? Or so you can "catch" him? Does it sound healthy to you?
My guess is, you two need to work GOOD and HARD on your communicative skills.
One big question though, why exactly did you break up?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): If you want to stay with him then option 2.. Or it will keep eating at you and will end up splitting anyways.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (30 June 2013):
Dear OP,
I agree with the last agony aunt that maybe you should just break up. You've already been on a break, which is a sign things weren't going well. And there were many reasons for that.
If you want to stay together, then you should do 2) and show that you want to be a trustworthy girlfriend to him.
Putting spyware on his phone... what would be the benefit of that? You'll either find out he's a liar and you need to break up. Or you'll find out he's an honest man and you're a crazy person who invades his privacy and doesn't deserve him.
So, it will make you unhappy anyway and ruin the relationship if the truth comes out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): OP, take number 4) dont do any of the above move on find someone else.
Obviously ou dont trust him, without trust you have nothing. Second if you were on break then its none of your business what he oes who he sees or texts. You can have your own del breaker by not accepting that you were not a priority to him at the time.
But Niall actuality it doesn sound good...invading someone's privacy is screaming loudly you don't trust him and if hes untrustworthy he isn't worth your time or effort.
Love yourslf first date others move forward, more importantly love yourslf.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): I would go with option 1, but that's me. If you're that bothered, you should go with option 2, just get peace of mind. Make sure you apologize for going through his phone, but let him know your concerns (tell him exactly what you told us).
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