A
female
age
41-50,
*ConfusedChick
writes:In late October/early November 2012, I ended things with my boyfriend of nearly 4 years. To be honest it was an up and down 4 years where he cheated on me and I worked to forgive him only after I did and fell in love with him again he still withheld the one thing he said he wanted and knew I needed, marriage and a family. After I could no longer convince myself to stay in a relationship that did not meet my needs, I left. But 7 months later I am struggling to move on and even try to date or meet new people. This is the second long term relationship in the past 10 years that has ended with the desire of marriage but then no follow through. So 8 years of relationship time in the past 10 years and both ending in a real feeling of disappointment. That I don't really matter and people, no matter how much I give they will always leave. It's very depressing (yes, I see a therapist)My fears of unmet expectations and disappointment along with being left behind and not mattering feel like I'm being held prisoner in my own life and I don't know how to just say "f it" and get back out there and find the life and partner I deserve. I do often feel not good enough and try to "prove" myself to others. As if , if they like me, I will like me more. But I've been so let down and disappointed by this last man, it's a struggle to even want to leave my house except for work. I'm just afraid of people seeing how uncomfortable and vulnerable I feel. But obviously I will never meet anyone in my house! So my question is, how do others do it? How do you find a way to no care what others think and just put yourself out there. How do you not give so much that when friendships or relationships don't work out you still feel like you and you move forward and meet new people and have new relationships? It just seems so hard at 39, like I've run out of hope and chances to really be happy.
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cheated on me, fell in love, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 For me to bounce back my thinking changes… I go from sounding like a cracked record, repeating the same old story over and over again to shutting myself up completely. Why? It’s because I had enough of hearing my own BS problems :) and after a while, I realised I depended too much on that person for my happiness. (Perhaps in your case; depending on them to fulfil your marriage and family desires when they’re so not worth it?)I also discovered that I can only take so much listening to myself bytch before saying; enough is enough! Much like “F it”! Whereby I started to live in the solution, rather than stay living in the problem and be consumed by debilitating depression. Here I knew my own answers, so it was just a matter of compelling my limbs to move forward and apply them. Be it that we all have different needs and wants; marriage, children, career, status or contentment… when some of these desires are unmet by a certain time frame in our life, we can become disappointed and reflective about our choices… E.G. Had you chosen to move on instead of working on forgiving this man, perhaps it would have been a wiser time saving decision!? Now that you’re hopefully so much wiser from this experience, you are now three steps closer to meeting the right type of person :)Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (1 July 2013):
 I don't think you are alone in this. It seems to be a modern phenomenon that more women are stuck being single in their 30's and 40's because men seem to have much more choice and choose to play the field for much longer before settling down. (I know a lot of women do this too, before anyone starts throwing rocks at me)
In my line of work, we see more women than ever who choose to have a child on their own because they either cannot find a partner or cannot find a partner who will commit to them and stick by them in parenting!
We are conditioned from young girls to meet and marry our prince, but life has changed a lot and things are tough out there in the dating world and if most guys get even a whiff of a woman on the look out for a husband/long term partner...they back off a million miles!!
I think this trend is set to continue and I can understand how sad and frustrating it is for a lot of single women who can hear their body clock ticking!
I do not think you should stop trying, but perhaps put your goal of marriage/ children to the back of your mind for the time being (easier said than done, I know). All you can do is try and who knows what fate might have in store for you...but keep your chin up, try to stay positve and get yourself back out there!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2013): Hi confused chick!I am not sure if i am in the position to advise you because I am not in your age bracket yet but anyway let me tell you this.Your question:So my question is, how do others do it? How do you find a way to no care what others think and just put yourself out there. How do you not give so much that when friendships or relationships don't work out you still feel like you and you move forward and meet new people and have new relationships? It just seems so hard at 39, like I've run out of hope and chances to really be happy.Honestly, Its a matter of choice.People just don't admit it. but deep down, we care and we do get hurt. Sometimes you need to have a strong will power to ignore your feelings. Tell to your self, this is not real. i have to let it go, i have to forget it. I need to be ok. I have to be o'k. I need to help myself. I need to love myself. i need to be happy. I complete myself.Because if you will take things seriously and depend your happiness to others or for what you think is ideal, you will really feel sad, empty and frustrated. Why? we can never control other people's feelings, thoughts, decisions or even a situation.But You can control yourself. You can manage yourself.Organize your life. You can start organizing your thoughts of what else can make you happy.When i was younger, I really don't want to get married. Giving birth scares me. Boys annoys me, especially the way they smell after playing the game on the field. Husbands can be really gross.Then I look at my father, his the best dad in the world.Maybe its not that bad to get married. Then someone ask me to marry him. For some reason I turned him down. he was shocked.But I'm glad I did. His the best liar and womanizer in town.What im saying is, sometimes God has his way of removing into your life because its no good for you.You might feel disappointed at the moment but Always think that everything happened for a reason. Its hard but when you learn to accept and let God lead you, You will wake up one day feeling more better.I don't know you but i will pray for you, I always think that everyone deserves to be happy. Your happiness will come to you at the right time.Family, you can create your own family. You can adopt kids.Well, for now just pray. don't think too much. It will just add wrinkle to your face. Good luck..
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female
reader, Alba5 +, writes (30 June 2013):
I do know exactly how you feel I am the same age and have gone through the same heartaches and still am. I guess I am trying to surround myself with my really good friends and joining a dance class with one of them to occupy my time so I don't sit home alone and feel sorry for myself.I also try and take into consideration what my father told me that " You are never alone with a good book". Your self esteem has hit rock bottom and I think you need to work on that, which will take time.You need to pamper and care about yourself like go away for a weekend or treat yourself to a massage or facial. The most important thing is not to dive back into a hell relationship again no matter how lonely you feel. Fall in love with yourself again and I hope for both our sake we can meet a guy who'll fall in love with us and treat us like Princesses that we deserve.... Hang in there you're not alon.
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