A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys ;I need some advice.I have known this guy for four months.He is 31 years old. He is a really funny person, always makes me laugh, sensitive and kind caring soul.We are friends at the moment and we have met up few times, every time we meet there is a quiet good chemistry between us, but I am the one that holds myself back.I think at the back of my mind, I am not sure whether to become involved with him, in due time.I am the first person he He opened up to in years, and told me he suffers from very low times.He has been feeling like this for many years. I think he maybe depressed but he disagrees. He told me he felt he became like a failure when his dreams and goals he had in mind did not become real.He started pushing all his friends and become isloated . His never had a girlfriend in his entire life because he lost all his confidence.He however does have a job, and is a hardworking man. He does not have many friends, or barely any and dont go out to socialize.Its just work and home. There are days when he feels happy but mostly he feels very down. He told me that since he met me, his life looks positive. He feels happy to have met me, and is determined to get his life back on track and I have given him some hope.Despite everything, he is a smart ad intelligent guy. But i can still see he has many unresolved issues. I am not sure I can fix his problems for him.I did suggest for him to speak to someone and get professional help.But he refuses and say he will get better slowly. As much as i like him, I am not sure whether to pursue this.I am not sure whether I am strong enough to handle it.I dont want to abandon him eithierthankyou for reading :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi guysthankyou for all the aunts that replied to my post, it got me thinking..I think the over all theme was i should not personally try to fix his problems..I am not sure what to make out of him, the fact that he doesnt want to socialize at all,and spends all day in his room, and he has felt intensely low for eight years ..we have had a chat and he was quiet open and honest and said he would like to pursue a relationship with me and has feelings for me, and i did explain in the future that i wouldnt mind dating, but he refuses to get help ..and that he will solve his issues on his own and he seemed to be stressing me out a little.As much as i really care about him, I have just realised I dont have a special button to fix him! I think he has this idealistic view that pure love from a women would solve all his problems ... i have taken a breather for him.. I think iam worried for my own sanity,i have been in two minds about it but i think i made the right decision and in the future id perhaps reconnect just as friends as I dont want to abandon him completly, its a shame i became quiet fond of him but i cant see this relationship progressing further.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): People who are severely and chronically depressed live within their own worlds and inside their own heads. That is what depression is like. How can you have a close and positive relationship with someone who lives 99% of the time inside their own heads? They are not available to you. They are not "there". Your relationship, if you keep trying to push for closeness, will turn into a caregiver type of relationship. That is fine if you really do define yourself as first and foremost his caregiver like if you were doing it as a job getting paid for it like a nurse or if he were a family member whom you've taken on the duty of looking after. But a caregiver role is NOT a romantic equal partnership by definition so if you mistakenly tell yourself he is your boyfriend you will left with this strange and unnatural relationship that does not fit the definition or social expectations of a bf/gf relationship. You will then become desperate for him to change so you can have a normal life and be like other normal couples. Your attempts to change him will backfire and make both of you frustrated with each other. Depressed people who also happen to he in relationships or marriages often use their relationship as a crutch and don't get better because the partner does everything for them. The partner does do everything but out of necessity since the sick person isn't and someone needs to do it (things like taking care of the bills and family for example). So the sick person is enabled in staying stuck and not seeking help because their life is still held together by others around them. My friend's husband has been depressed for years and won't get help. He has literally lived in his bedroom for the last 4 years and wont come out. My friend brings him his meals, takes care of all the housechores and works full time to pay the bills since he cant work because of his depression. She stays with him out of loyalty and care for him bur she tells me she doesn't feel she has a husband anymore, she has another family member that she is responsible to care for like her elderly parents and her children. Why not tell him that you like him very much and would be interested in a relationship IN THE FUTURE when he has got his life more sorted. Say that you know he has lots of things to deal with so you don't want to get in the way of that but when his life is more in order you would he interested to date him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2013): Don't abandon him, friends should be there for each other. But don't get involved in an intimate relationship with him either. Be there for him but as a friend not as a "partner".His unresolved issues make him unable to be a "partner" back to you. So if you start a romantic relationship it won't be a normal healthy one and you will get resentful and hurt. Right now you've only scratched the surface. Getting romantically involved with him will lead you to desire more from him and expect more from him than he is capable of giving and you'll end up disappointed and unfulfilled and confused. It is easier to accept someone for who they are as a friend than as a partner. When you're romantically involved with someone you have a high emotional and even financial stake in seeing them change and wanting them to change and this puts a lot of stress on the relationship and can drive people apart completely. But as a friend it is easier to be accepting of who they are, faults and all, since their capacity to hurt you is lessened when you're just a friend rather than a intimate partner. Thus you won't try so hard to change them and violate their boundaries. No you cannot fix his problems for him. Only he can fix his problems with the guidance of a trained therapist and possibly medication too. Do not make him into your "project", you'll end up angry and frustrated with him and he may come to feel insulted or condescended to by you. Like I said, continue to support him as a friend. But I think you shouldn't change the nature of your relationship from what it is now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): I'm with someone who is depressed and right now it is hell. The longer the relationship goes on, the worse it gets and I can't tell anyone for fear of shame. Don't do it!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 RUN!
he is in total denial of his mental health.
He sounds depressed.
he sounds actually socially dysfunctional
YOU cannot fix him. He can't even admit he has a problem so how can you fix him?
If he is not willing to even ENTERTAIN the idea that walking around feeling low all the time is not normal, then how can you expect him to get better?
if he won't see a professional and see if there is a chemical imbalance going on then how can he not be down?
I'd walk away from this one if you can.
if you can't... how will you feel the first time the low point becomes "it sucks so bad I might as well be dead."
folks that won't get help get very annoying after a while.
RUN in the other direction while you still can.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 "I am not sure I can fix his problems for him."
You need to understand very clearly that you can not, ever, fix anyones problems. Not this mans, not anyone elses. You can only fix your own problems, and only he is responsible for, and only he can fix, his OWN problems. OK? This needs to be at the basis of how you relate to other humans.
You can be an inspiration, and to this man it sounds like you already are. You're inspiring him to see things positively, and give him hope. But that comes from him, not you, and coming from him it should be solid enough to last also if you leave. It must be, because under no circumstance can you be in a relationship where you feel you have to be because of his mental health. His mental health is HIS responsibility, always.
If you are not prepared to give him full responsibility for himself, then you can not enter a relationship with him. If you are prepared to let him have responsibility for himself and NOT treat his problems as your own, then you can engage in a relationship with him SLOWLY. Small steps at a time to see how things evolve.
He might have depression (probably), but you can't be his doctor. You can not give him a diagnosis or treat him. Perhaps you can come to an agreement with him that you want to see where this is going, but that you are unsure of his health. So if you and him are to develop your relationship, you'd like him to see his doctor and talk about this. Then you should be told what the doctor said so you can be made aware of the situation. It's nothing worse than taking a test for STI's before getting sexual, you just want to know what you're heading into. If he's not depressed, good, then you'll know that. If he is depressed then you need to know if he is, because that will make a difference to the relationship.
Knowledge is key here. If he is depressed he absolutely can not keep it a secret from you if he plans on bringing your into his life. Tell him that if you are to be a part of his life, which you want to be, then this is something you need to be included in, as it will no doubt affect you as well as him. Being open and honest about mental health is just as important as being honest about other health-issues.
My brother and one of my friends were both suffering from depression. He was recovering, she was in anti-depressants and trying to figure out the right balance of pills, because she was emotionally numb from all of them. They were both honest about this and about where they stood. They hooked up, and are now living together and planning to have a family together. They are both doing better too, my brother is getting back to work, my friend is getting her masters degree. They were good for each other. But they had to be very open and honest for this to work. And it wasn't easy either, but they worked on things as they got to know each other better.
One time in the beginning of their relationship she was so distressed she called me because she didn't know where else to turn. She was crying and saying that she had just left his house, because he acted like he didn't care if she was there or not, and there were many other things as well, she just felt like she couldn't do anything for him and that he didn't care about life at all.
I reminded her that he is depressed, and that it is the depression talking. He had said he felt better when she was there, and no matter then what the depression makes him do (acts like he doesn't care), she should believe what he says on his good days. I also told her that it is OK to find it difficult to bear with. She entered into this relationship fully knowing his condition, but that doesn't mean it's not OK to think it is difficult. She's allowed to cry, and have a rough time, and think it is difficult. She is allowed to complain about it. My concern was for her: was she okay? Because when in a relationship with a depressed person, you need to keep yourself afloat. You need to guard yourself so you are not pulled down. If she was guarding herself, not taking upon herself his problems, and if she didn't let him pull her down, then the relationship could carry on. But if it became too much to handle, she should put herself first, because she had her own mental health to care for.
Same advice goes to you: if you enter a relationship with him he might give you a hard time, and you are allowed to cry and complain, but if it gets too tough then you need to put yourself first and get out. No one will blame you for that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 ... I'd say that when the answer is not a clear yes, then it's a no. You are not sure you could handle a partner like this guy- that to me means you could not. You can't fix him, and you should not even try, - that's a job for trained professionals if he ever feels he wants to see one. People are not cars or old buildings that can be repaired and made up to our liking- it's not possible, and it's not even our job : fixing their problems is a job they have to do by themselves- again , at most under the guide of trained professionals. All we can do is to assess if we can , if we WANT to take them as they are .You have doubts, so when in doubt.. do nothing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): He sounds like a lovely guy, for the most part.
A couple things to keep in mind: you can never fix someone's problems for them. I understand the exhilaration he's experiencing feeling like he's found someone who gets him at a soul level, and that is a good thing. A very good thing. Your job is to discern whether he's happy he found you, or whether he's counting on you to be his human band-aid.
janniepeg may be right, in that no matter how wonderful a partner you are, it'll never be "enough" because his own crap doesn't magically vanish overnight.
It all depends on his outlook on his life -- and the responsibility he takes of it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 He's not clinically depressed. He's still functional in daily life, maybe not in a romantic relationship. He may be too idealistic and is crushed by reality. He feels that he can only be happy when he earns x amount of money, when he gains a certain position. I doubt he is thinking of girlfriends right now. He is goal oriented so I am sure if he wants a girlfriend he will pursue one. He might also feel that until he reaches his goal, a girlfriend is just a distraction. Right now he's glad he met you because you lend a listening ear to his sorrows. Of course he is interesting, because he is so different from the others. I feel that he is too high maintenance, and that no one ever truly understands him and no amount of love will ever be enough.
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