A
male
age
26-29,
*auly2000
writes:I'm majorly confused here and need some kindly advice. I've fancied my best friend for over a year now, we share a house at uni together and often hang out and have a lot of fun. However, she does a have a boyfriend who she goes home to see every weekend so that complicates things a little bit. When we get drunk and go out together though she gets very flirty with me: holding my hand, putting her arm around me, hugging me etc. and it makes me think that she could feel the same way about me?What makes things more complicated is that I've started seeing this girl who has had a massive crush on me from the start. We've now been on a couple of dates and to be honest, I don't fancy her as much as my best friend. However, she is a very nice girl and the only one to show an active interest in me in my 24 years of living!When mentioning that I've been on dates to my best friend, she always asks me questions when she's drunk, like "so is she your girlfriend now?" and seems quite upset when anyone ever mentions that I've been on a date. Does this mean that she's secretly interested in me?It's all very complicated because if there's no chance in hell of us being together then I would fully pursue a relationship with this girl I'm seeing, but at the moment I don't want to in case my best friend has similar feelings for me. Being in a relationship would also help me get over these feelings which I have for my friend.I just really don't know what to do and of course I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. You just can't help who you fall in love with I suppose.
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best friend, crush, drunk, flirt Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2019): Don't take drunken-affection out of context. If your friend felt romantic towards you; she probably wouldn't have a boyfriend. It would be you! You are infatuated with your friend. So you are seeing what want to see; and searching for clues that aren't there. Entitlement will fill-in the blanks, or distort the facts; but it won't be based on reality.
There's a built-in stubbornness we humans have that makes us feel we should have whatever, or whomever we want. Even if we don't deserve it, or the other person doesn't reciprocate the same kind of feelings we have. It's a sense of entitlement and selfishness.
Our feelings and emotions have to be governed and controlled by common-sense, logic, the reality of the situation, the law, morals, and a respect for boundaries. If she has a boyfriend, your feelings are irrelevant. Let maturity curb your enthusiasm.
Bluntly speaking, don't mess around with the feelings of someone you think is infatuated with you! It's unfair and cruel! Stop wasting her time and toying with her emotions! STOP! Not to mention it's utterly conceited...narcissistic!
If you don't feel the same for her; then stop exploiting her crush. While your feelings and attention is focused on somebody else. Good men have to deal with the trauma and distrust left behind by flaky and indecisive guys who subject women to that nonsense.
Men also get into serious trouble by misinterpreting or purposely manipulating the drunken behavior of intoxicated women; to twist it into consent. Trash that mindset! It is dangerous!
Get your own place, and stop feeding the obsession/infatuation you have for your friend. Don't date anyone until you get-over her.
I do not recommend dating a string of females you don't really want; only to break their hearts, because you can't get-over a friend who has a boyfriend. You should see the indecency in doing that.
A
female
reader, Sweet Dreamer xxx +, writes (14 February 2019):
 I agree, you can't help who you fall in love with, but you can help what you do about it. You best friend sounds like she loves you as a friend and may get a little jealous of another girl getting all your attention but I don't think she cares for you the way you care for her. You need to move on from this, she has a boyfriend, put yourself in his shoes, how would you feel knowing that your girls best friend is trying to get with her?As for this other girl, I think you need to consider if you have real feelings for her, it is unfair to string someone along just because they seem to be the first person to develop a crush on you (that you know of). If you don't feel that way for her you need to let her go, you will meet the right one. I suggest you back off a little from this best friend, I know it is difficult when you live together. Just tell her you are studying or haven't got the money to spend to go out with her all the time. Try to keep her at a arms length until your feelings go.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 February 2019):
 You write like there are two choices here: your best friend or the girl you have started dating. There is actually a third choice: NEITHER of these girls.
Your best friend is in a relationship and should not be flirting with you. My guess is that she flirts with you because it feels "safe". You are her friend and she thinks she can get away with this behaviour without you expecting more. After all, you have allowed it to carry on for long enough without pushing for more so why should she think it would change?
Your heart is not in the relationship with the girl you have started dating. She deserves better. So do you. Just because she is the only girl to have shown a romantic interest in your does not mean you should "settle" if you don't feel the same way about her.
You will leave university life and go your separate ways soon enough into the big wide world. You have the rest of our life ahead of you. Find someone who you feel passionately about but who is free and feels the same way about you. That is what you deserve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2019): I am in the “new girls” position right now. My boyfriend keeps on about his old flatmate and he will not let her go. We have been together a while now and he’s started bringing her up again. I’m finding out more each day about their relationship , especially when it involves alcohol and I am feeling more and more like he still has feelings for her.He’s trying to hide it from me because i am pregnant, but I know he does. Please do not lead this other girl on . You either want her or you don’t. Please don’t play with her feelings, or god forbid get her pregnant.You need to set boundaries with your best friend or just cut contact . You will never move on otherwise and you will miss out on some amazing people.My boyfriend missed out on years of amazing women because he spent too long pining after this girl who was clearly not interested in him and used him as an ego boost. Now he’s settled for me and I am still second best after all this time. Please don’t hurt this new girl. She doesn’t deserve it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 February 2019):
 Perhaps people can't "help" who they fall in love with or feel attracted to, THEY do have the ability to TAKE CONTROL.
This "friend" of yours is not really a friend. You fancy her, she KNOWS it and uses you as her "almost" stand-in BF while away from her BF. She is USING you for ego rubs and attention.
Doesn't mean she feels the same way. If she did it would have been "easy" for her to dump the LD BF and date you. But no, she is still dating her BF and having her pseudo quasi BF/"Safe-friend" in you (OP - she is USING you like she would someone she feels safe with and has NO sexual interest in).
As for the girl you are dating. LET her go. You aren't into her and YOU are just USING HER. Not fair. Let her down gently, don't be a dick.
Get some distance from this "friend" (as in) do thing with other friends like going out, meeting new people, girls included. Don't be SO available to this "friend".
ACCEPT that she HAS a BF. If she really felt more for you, she would have dumped the BF back home and pursued you. Trust me, she KNOWS you dig her.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (13 February 2019):
 No. Your best friend does not like you and is not in love with you. She has a boyfriend but wants you around. She gets flirt when she get drunk is just how she acts when she is drunk.. it doesn't mean that she likes you. If she liked you, she would act that way when she is NOT drunk. You are reading too much into this.
I suggest you focus on the girl you are with now. Talk to her, go on dates, get to know her.. maybe you will fall in love with her too. Give her a chance, give yourself a chance to be in a relationship with someone who truly likes you and cares about you. Why throw what you have away for some girl who has a boyfriend and only acts flirty when she is drunk?
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