A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I'm engaged, my boyfriend is a bit older with sons of 14 and 12 who live with their mom and visit at weekends. Everything was fine over past 2 years, but recently he has huge rows with kids, I guess their age etc. Things get so tense it's impossible to miss nobody seems to act normally anymore and there's this awful atmosphere that you just want to run away from, every weekend for past few months. But they are now going to live with him full time. I am going to move in once we are married. I am extremely concerned about the tensions between father and sons, I don't think now is a good time to add myself to the mix. Should I postpone the wedding, which is 2 months away? Also we want to try for a baby as soon as we are married, but I also think that its not the ideal environment for that either. I'm scared and disappointed that things have gone wrong, maybe I should leave?
View related questions:
engaged, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (12 February 2013):
 FA brings up a great point.. if you are willing to bail ("maybe I should leave") based on a bit of strife with the kids who will be your stepchildren... perhaps you are not as committed to the relationship as you should be.
Yes kids are hard work and teen and tween stepkids even harder....
if the wedding is only 2 months away I would hope the kids know you fairly well and are ok with the impending marriage.
to bail on them (and their dad) now just because the going is getting rough is in my opinion not acceptable.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 February 2013):
 I flatter myself to think that I know boys it this age range pretty well. My children are 3 daughters followed by one son, so my great store of experience comes from other peoples children. I've never lived in a blended family myself, just been around them a bit. Enough disclaimer, I volunteer with boys from 12 - 14 years old and have been doing it for 5 years. I've seen a fair amount.
So they are approaching moving in with dad. And you are approaching marriage. Major change of life for everyone involved. Guys hate change. Even young men. There may be some jealousy on the boys part, there also may be some lingering hope that dad and ex-wife will patch it up and every thing will go back to how it was. Then there is wicked stepmother syndrome, which isn't just a fairy tale.
So, What should you do about this? Boys need firmness, and I don't mean firm discipline. I mean they need to be able to count on you. If you say there will be a punishment for bad behavior, then there will be. If you say there will be a reward for good behavior then there will be. If you say there is going to be a wedding in 2 month then there will be a wedding in two months. I'm not saying you can't be friendly with them. In fact they need to know that you are interested in them and what they are doing. Just remember you are the adult not the friend. And most importantly, as you have been told both parents need to present a united front to the kids. No letting them play one against the other.
I'm a bit worried that you are considering just leaving the whole situation. I will say that you should never tolerate abuse. If the relationship has reached that level, even if the abuse is coming from the kids, then you show strength by leaving the abusive situation.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): You need to go in with your eyes wide open on this situation. You will be their stepmother and since they are teenagers they may regard you as the evil stepmother and cause all sorts of havoc in your home and in your relationship with their father.Read this link that I have provided:http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201102/stepmothers-strike-how-can-doing-less-save-your-marriageIt may give you some insight into other peoples stepmothering experiences and not all of them turn out sunshine and roses.I agree with anonymous (11 February 2013) and I personally would not get involved with a man until the children are adults and "even then" as adults they can cause all sorts of trouble. So many women wish they had never married men with any children at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 February 2013):
I agree with CindyCares (as usual)
You agreed to take on a man with children. 14 and 12 are very hard ages for kids in general…
Putting of the wedding till the kids are happy is not the thing to do. If you are unable to be a full time maternal figure to these kids (and the dad in this case is going to have to be a firm supporter of them treating you with the proper respect) then yes end the relationship.
IF your fiancé is willing to be 100% supportive of his kids respecting you in your home then I think that you should go for it. BUT if the dad lets the kids run roughshod over you or disrespect you, then RUN…do not postpone the wedding.. cancel it.
My BFF married a man with 6 kids all young… they never lived with them but did visit every other weekend. HE never made his kids respect his wife…. And now that they are grown children with children of their own, he’s so sorry he was such a jerk all those years…. And he sees it now but did not then.
the key is not the kids and how they are feeling (as kids change and mature over time if guided properly) the key is how the dad reacts and how he makes them toe the line.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 Life is not a dress rehearsal ; it should be dealt with in the here and now. If you wait for X situation to be perfect , every detail just according to plan, before you take Y action... you might have to wait forever.
His kids are being difficult now, maybe this will stop , or maybe it will not , teenagers CAN notoriously be oppositional little nightmares. What are you going to wait for, until their are both in their 20es , all growing pains over ?. And, who tells you that when they are adults, they will be nice, kind, affectionate and supportive of your relationship with their dad, for all you know they could STILL be disrespectful jerks , frequent cause of friction and turmoil in your home, even from afar.
Not to discourage you, just to say how IMO postponing the wedding for a little while, hoping they 'll calm down, won't really help. UNLESS they were acting up precisely because they are unhappy about their dad getting remarried, or they are unhappy about moving in with dad, or with dad and you, in which case buying time and letting them adjust to the idea might help.
But, if this has got nothing to do with you personally, and it only comes from kids being kids, or maybe from your bf not having found yet his sea legs at single parenting, how changing your life plans would change the situation ?
If you love the guy, and want to make a family with him, well, that's what he's got, that's the family you are supposed to join,in sickness and in health and all that jazz. You'd just have to arm yourself with patience, good will, optimism and tact .. and accept that your family is not like those in the sitcoms where everybody is always oozing love affection and tenderness to everybody else.
That, until the kids calm down, or the dad learns another way to be a parent, or both, there will also be arguments and tensions, and you'll have to take the bitter with the sweet.
As for getting pregnant right away, well, maybe that's a bit different, I would not try right away, regardless of what I just said. Simply because stress and anxiety are not good for pregnant women, you sound already apprehensive enough about this cohabitation, so maybe it would be best to wait a few months until, with all its possible glitches, nevertheless it has become more routine, more manageable for you .
This of course if you are clear and determined that you love this guy and want to marry him no matter what.If you have the slightest doubt about your love and committment , don't marry him. It may be that you've bitten more than you can chew, and I don't think that people should blame you for that, becoming a stepmother is hard work and not everybody are cut for it. In other words, you are not OBLIGED to take the whole package , to join a ready made family with all its problems. But if you accept, with open eyes, to do it - it's not delaying a few months that will magically turn the situation around.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): I married a man who had three teenage children with different mothers. I was promised these children would only come every other weekend as they did before we were married and I was ok with this but as soon as we got married and moved into a nice home two of the children wanted to come and live with us full time. My husband felt that he could not say no and It was truly dreadful, like walking on ice day by day. I would never have married him if there had ever been an inkling that this would happen - up until then the mothers had been extremely protective and reluctant for them to come even on their designated weekends. I gave it 2 years - 2 years of being put last, having things which had taken me a long time to buy damaged, my car seats scuffed to bits, insolence and sulking and then I left. I have never looked back. I never date men with children now unless they are grown up. Some people can cope with these situations admirably and just get on with blended families but it certainly wasn't for me. It might suit you to give it a little more time until his children are older as long as you do not feel your biological clock is ticking. I think with 2 teenagers and a new baby from a step mother it might just be all a bit too much and the existing children's behaviour will become worse leading to more rows and tension.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (11 February 2013):
 Well first things first - you agreed to be in a relationship with a man who has 2 children, you knew about them from early on so this cannot be a surprise to you. As someone who wants children, you obviously will be able to understand that teenagers are hard work, they are hormonal and life is not easy with 2 teenagers in the house.
But that is what you agreed to take on when you agreed to marry him - if you didnt want 2 homonal teenage boys in your life then you shouldnt have said yes when your partner asked you to marry him.
So I think leaving is absurd, you cannot leave just because he has 2 teenage kids. You knew about that before the atmosphere got worse, and you want to be a mother so you must understand that babies grow up into hormonal teenagers one day. These kids have gone from being 12 and 10 (still fairly nice ages) when you met your partner, to 14 and 12 which is pretty much full blown teenager time. I cant believe that you are so naieve you expected things with his kids to be easy and perfect forever, we all know teenagers are hard work so I'm struggling to understand why this seems to be such a surprise to you?
Leaving shouldnt be an option for you if you love this man and genuinely want to marry him, it is not his fault he is having a tough time with his kids and you should be there to support him, not run away from it. You will go through the same thing with your own child in 12-15 years time, so this will be good practice for you if anything.
Have you tried talking to your partner about this? Perhaps you could tell him how you feel about the atmosphere at the moment, and ask his opinion on whether postponing the wedding would be a good idea? I personally cannot see how postponing the wedding would help, the kids are going to be teenagers for quite some time to come, so there isnt going to be any 'perfect' time to do it really.
What is your relationship like with the children? Are you close enough to them to have a chat about the wedding and see how they feel about it? I appreciate that is a hard conversation to have with the kids, and perhaps it would be easier if the father had a chat with them, but if you are close with the kids it might be nice for them to see that you care how they feel about the situation.
If you do genuinely love this man, and care for his kids then I think you should just carry on as planned. Marrying anyone with children is always going to be a challenge, but you agreed to that and you have taken that on when you met this man. Talk to your partner and see how he feels about the situation, see if he thinks postponing will help - but personally I cannot see how delaying it will make much difference, there is not going to be a 'good' time to do this so to speak unless you wait until the kids are 18 or over.
...............................
|
