A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am considering splitting up with my boyfriend. I don’t want to go into why, but there is a slight problem if we can’t sort out our problems and do split up - we are due to go on holiday in 6 weeks and I don’t know what to do. He paid for the holiday and told me to pay him back when I could. I have got the money saved for it but what do I do if I split up with him? Do I pay for the holiday and go? Pay for the holiday and not go? Do I not pay and hope he finds someone else to go with? The thing is I could do with the money as I have been made redundant and money is extremely tight, whereas he is in a well paid job with bonuses, however I always try and do the right thing by people so what is the etiquette on this?
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money, on holiday, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (29 May 2008):
 Glad to hear that. If more people did what they "ought" to do, the world would be a better place....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): Well, things may already have worked themselves out! I had still been hearing from my boyfriend regularly but he had been very distant, to the point that we had hadn't seen each other for nearly 3 weeks. Anyway, I spoke to him about it this evening. He says that he had been extremely busy at work putting in extra hours at work, having had his most successful day ever at work and being in charge whilst his boss was away. He then went down with flu which he is now recovering from. He said when he wasn't working, he was crashed out on the sofa. He suggested that we go out at the weekend for a meal, said that things would get better and that he had got lots of things planned for us to do.Things are now infinitely better now that we have chatted about them. I think the key to it was that we were adult about it. Even though I had felt quite cross about it I made sure that I expressed it in a mature and calm way and it worked. Eddie: I hope that I didn't come across that I wanted to get out of my obligations. I was actually more than willing to pay for my holiday, and in fact probably would have done anyway. I was just curious as to the etiquette of it all.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (28 May 2008):
 Why do you want to split up with him?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 "He paid for the holiday and told me to pay him back when I could."
Did you actually agree with him on that ?
This was in oral and not in black and white and is not binding except that you want to play fair.
There is no time period and only pay back when you can afford it.You do not have to pay up now.
You have a few options.
You can ask him to ask the tours for a cancellation or refund or find someone who will replace your place.
If the above is unavailable , then ethically and morally speaking you are liable for the cost .
If you are liable for the cost, might as well go for the holiday and pay back later.
Who knows what may happen between you too by then ?
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 I agree - you are responsible for paying your half of the planned trip - whether you go or not. Does this guy have a clue that you are thinking of leaving him and mulling over the finances already??? You really should be sitting down with your BF and having this discussion with him...like now.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (28 May 2008):
By the way, to the question poster, you agreed to go on a vacation. You agreed to pay him back. Those were the terms. You knew how much money you earned as well as what he earned. That was OK when you were planning the trip. Don't try and twist the facts now to suit your new situation. Do what you agreed to do in the first place.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (28 May 2008):
To the anonymous aunt...you're a real piece of work. These two people made arrangements as a couple to go on a vacation. She was going to pay her share when she got the money. For you to split hairs about oral contracts and and all the legal crap is what makes this world as messy as it is. "Obligation is for services rendered".....not in romance. Are you that simple? We do have moral obligations to the people we unite with. The morally correct choice is what she should do, not what she can get away with not doing. Actions like you recommend make problems.
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A
female
reader, A Cappella  +, writes (28 May 2008):
 My sister had a situation like this. She called the company that they had planned to go on holiday with, and got her part of the holiday transferred to another date. Then she and some girlfriends went together. He still had his reservation for the original time. See if you can do something like that.
If it's not possible, find out from your soon-to-be-ex if there's someone else he could take? Admit your financial situation and ask him for help. If you're breakup is friendly, he might be willing to help.
Good luck hon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): The etiquette is: have a friendly break-up. You're both adults and should be able to handle a break-up in an adult way. There will always be time for sorting out things like this later - I'm sure there are other things you will need to talk about and sort out, and you can have this conversation after you make your decision.
Concentrate first and foremost on your matter in hand - your relationship. Make your decision, not letting things like a holiday be a factor. There will be time to sort things out later, provided you both remain calm and relatively grown up about everything.
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A
male
reader, Passthrough +, writes (28 May 2008):
 Well do you want to really stick him for the trip as well as breaking it off with him?
If you decide not to go, be nice and pay the guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): I don't believe he has any legal recourse if you don't - there is no contract between you which says you have to pay him back, it was a verbal agreement, and you cannot afford to pay. You are also splitting up. He can go to the people he arranged the holiday with and arrange a refund, there is probably time and six weeks is enough notice. He may not be able to get everything back, but he should be able to get most of it. He should look at the terms and conditions.
Meanwhile, check the contract law. Areas to look at are if the UK legal system will consider an oral contract as holding water (oral contract defined as a contract the terms of which have been agreed by spoken communication, but not written down.)In some legal systems oral contracts are just as binding as written ones, but I think your case might be different. He paid a sum for a holiday, and said that you would pay him back whenever you could. You don't say that you actually agreed to pay him back, this sounds as if he just assumed you would.
You say you always try to do the right thing by others - but you must first look after yourself. The people who give to charity are those who have money to spare, not those who need every penny they have. The right thing to do in this case is to be honest that you feel it is time to split up, that you will not be going on the holiday with him as you feel it would be uncomfortable, and that he should try and get a refund on the holiday. Make clear that since it was his decision to arrange the holiday and you never said you would pay him back, that you are under no obligation to give him money, and that you need what money you have for your own survival. If he doesn't want to refund the holiday, he could take one of his friends and split the costs with them.
If you don't go, why should you pay? Obligation is for services rendered; if a builder fails to do the work he was paid for, then he doesn't get paid. If you don't go on the holiday, why on earth should you fork out?
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