A
female
age
30-35,
*aime90
writes:Its my birthday today, i had planned a bbq at my house, when it started to rain i told my bf i was going to change to dinner with friends at a restaurant, he said no i cant come (because he has to drop his daughter off to her mums house at 8pm) just go with your friends.i was a bit annoyed he couldnt organise someone else to drop her off but said ok didn't complain and organised the night anyway.he came to my house with his daughter while my family was over and didnt talk to me the whole day. its my birthday, he gave me my gift and didnt even look at me. i cried while i was opening it then tried to hug him he just pushed away. he played with his daughter all day and ignored me.i said i would change the dinner to 6 pm so he could come and bring his daughter (which i felt a bit uncomfortable about) and he just said no.so he left, with me crying and never called. he didnt even call in the morning on my bday, i had to call him.am i in the wrong at all? is it wrong for me to have organised a bday dinner ? should i have to organise it around his plans with his daughter? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): This guy sounds like a selfish inconsiderate git in my opinion. I wouldnt put up with being treated like that, do yourself a favour and dump the waste of space, question is whether are you ready to, are you going to be treated like your the wrongdoer who cant get anything right or you going to be a stronger person and realise men like him are nothing but a waste of effort. It doesnt matter if you have been together 2 months or 2 years its not worth staying in that environment.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Don't TRY to end the relationship. End the relationship. You've done all the trying you need with him and honestly it sounds as though his issues run pretty deep if he's that paranoid about you. It's sad, to see someone fall apart like he has, but you need to remember you are not his therapist, his mother or his nurse.
Realize that you will feel bad and sad and probably guilty, but that's not a good reason to stay in a toxic relationship with a mentally unbalanced man.
Where is that backbone? Where is your inner mental strength? Where are all your supporters, your friends and family? Line these all up and then metaphorically pull the trigger. End the relationship. It's a pity that it can't be as it was at the beginning, but look at this way, you can get out now, before you waste another year with him. It would be a real pity to find you here a year from now, asking essentially the same question, now, wouldn't it?
Sorry it's a crummy birthday for you so far. Just remember that you have lots of friends and family who love you, let them cheeer you up and keep you busy and distracted.
Take care.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (8 February 2010):
 First of all, when I read your post I did not think you were asking him to choose you over his kid. You made plans and offered to rearrange them to accommodate him...HE'S the one acting like a brat!
The issues you present are bigger than a fall-out over your birthday: he sounds manipulative and controlling--a very dangerous combination. It's good that he is seeing a psychologist, but his problems run deep and it's going to take a while for it to get all sorted out. As much as it may hurt you, you need to end this relationship. Don't abide any kind of mistreatment, don't allow him to manipulate you into taking him back, and don't allow his problems to rule your life.
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female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 My answer is going to be very short and sweet. This is not because I haven't read your post, nor because I don't care. I could introduce this answer for ages and ages, but all I really need are two words;
Leave him!
Or three;
Please!
Oh, ok a few more;
You deserve wayyy better, and I don't think that you're gaining anything from staying with this horrible mean man!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
 He sounds like he's jealous of your friends and family, as well as scared that he'll loose you.
Interesting, now he's in therapy, so much more to the story than we first thought. Do you love him?
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (8 February 2010):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for replying, i honestly dont know.. its been 2 years and i feel kind of like im stuck in a rut. i guess what has made me hope for change is that he is seeing a psychologist, and it makes me hopeful that in the future things will be better.but he called me just before and said im just letting you know im selling my ticket to good vibrations (a music festival we bought them for together) and i said well im not selling mine i want to go and he went off at me yelling saying you just want to go with your friends and party with them (when he told me we could go with 2 of my friends)i told him i didnt want to speak to him while he was yelling and hung up, so he sent me a msg saying you know what go fuck yourself.a boyfriend shouldnt be saying this right?every time i try to end it he will make me feel sad and cry to me telling me he will change and we can work through it, last time this happened he said i can come to his therapy to see that things are changing, then after about a week he said no you cant come i changed my mind.i have been trying to think why i stay, and its because of what he USED to do, but doesnt do these things anymore.. he doesnt even want to spend time with me, the only reason he wants me to be at his house is so he knows what im doing.he also just sent me a msg saying why dont you find someone else to f***, oh wait you already have - this is because of his extreme paranoia, he always thinks im cheating on him for no reason and always says i probably have "other boyfriends"
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
PS: Now he is looking like the bad one.. so I have to ask the question... why are you still with him? What attracts you to him? What makes you put up with this bad behaviour even though your feeling lonely and ignored?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
Thanks for getting back to me jamie90, now we can talk honestly my respect for you grows so much. Can't think now, I need thinking time. But please don't worry, I know you are a smart girl with good friends. A man is not everything, your more than that. I need to think, so we can find a way to move on. I'm not sad I gave you a hard time, but you was covering so much up. Hopefully some other(ap aunts will be able to help you, but if not, one big question...
(apart from the child) What do you do with a guy who refuses to share his life and spend time with you??
Answer this question as if you were advising your best friend.
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (8 February 2010):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes i guess that pretty much sums it up..
you can understand no why i was trying to defend myself before.
And now im left wondering what i do next?
i sent him a message last night saying i was upset he didnt bother to call back and he wrote back "so go tell your friends"
i havent written back or called him. but i dont know if i should? and if i did what would i say?
i know if i dont call or msg him he will then say "you dont do ANYTHING to try and fix our fights" and start to blame me for being a bad gf..
so what do i do now?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
Not true babes, longer posts give us more information, and bad assumptions help to get the real story out.
Let's put aside the child, she's not the real issue. Your over 18, your 20 (still young) he is older (24)
Now we are left with a proper problem. A man who prefers to spend time with his friends, who doesn't socialise with your friends, who doesn't treat you with the love, caring and respect that you deserve. Is that the heart of it.
You change your plans, to make sure him and his daughter can come. He acts badly, he didn't even want to come at first. He makes you cry and he doesn't care. He doesn't check to see if your ok. He plays computer games (normal now for adults) 16 hours a day, (slightly addictive) He always puts you last and uses his daughter as an excuse, when you really want to know, why can't he treat you with respect, why doesn't he want to spend quality time with you, and why can't he be happy and celebrate things that are important to you, finally, why dose he reject your family and friends, make you feel like shit and embarrass you?
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (8 February 2010):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno he is 24, not an older man. most definitely more immature then i am. he plays computer games 16 hours a day, thats the level of his maturity.
i honestly think your being judgmental, thinking im only 20, just a kid and because he is a parent that automatically makes him the better person.
NO i was not crying because he was spending time with his daughter, i was crying because he kept making me feel bad about wanting to spend time with my friends. whenever i would talk to him he would say "just go talk to your friends about it" and in the weeks coming up to my birthday kept saying "do i have to go to your bbq, i dont want to"
"Body language speaks louder than words" that conversation was on the phone
and it wasnt my 18th, it was my 20th and my friends are 20 and 21, there was even a friend who is 24 there., so no it wasnt "a bunch of teenagers" again you assumed i am 18.
its not that i cant accept criticism, i just cant stand when people make assumptions when they dont know the real story.
and he would go out with his friends at any chance. he would go to a party and get drunk when he is meant to be looking after her, he will go to a day festival and get his mum to look after her all day. she sleeps in the room with his mum, not with him. i guess he doesnt go out with his friends often anymore because they dont invite him anymore, because he had a falling out with people in the group.
i cant mention every thing in my original post because generally people dont reply when the post is so long.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
Sigh.... "shes crying because she is sad.." NOT shes crying cos shes being a child"
He's talking to a child... we say sad to children, because this is what they understand.. He couldn't say more, because she wouldn't understand it.
The other items in your post are interesting. He goes out with his mates dose he and puts his daughter off, dose this happen regularly?
You rearranged your plans so he could come, and he did. But as I said, he sounds like an older man, and birthdays with a whole pile of kids may not be that interesting to him.
Again I ask, how old is your boyfriend and how old are your friends. If he's an older man, I can see why he can't stomach hanging out with a pile of teenagers doing the 18th birthday thing.
PS: All of this was never mentioned in your original post. Originally you just sounded angry that he spent time with his kid.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
By the way.. how old is your boyfriend?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2010):
Nope... read your own post...
"i was a bit annoyed he couldnt organise someone else to drop her off but said ok didn't complain and organised the night anyway."
Body language speaks louder than words
"he gave me my gift and didnt even look at me. i cried while i was opening it then tried to hug him he just pushed away. he played with his daughter all day and ignored me."
Your crying, because he's showing attention to his little girl and it makes you feel left out and resentfull. I'm sure he noticed the tears, and I'm sure he knew why you were upset.
Now, if you were his 18 year old daughter, you behaviour would be absolutely reasonable, and he would have to make the day special for you, because it's your 18th birthday. In this case he couldn't have spent so much time with the younger one, he would have to put you first.
But your not his daughter, your supposed to be a grown adult woman who is dating a grown adult man. Your views are immature. Even now, you refuse to accept any criticism, you think your always right, you only came here to find people to agree with you. This is the actions of a child, an adult listens, understands and tries to find solutions. For us adults, every birthday is a pain, it just means more grey hair.
This guy is an adult, who is looking for a woman who can stand beside him. You are still growing, your looking for a man who can share and enjoy all these new experiences you are having, and help to make them special for you.
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (7 February 2010):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the question"From the way the guy reacted, I think he's disgusted with the level of your self-absorption and immaturity."
how could he be disgusted with me wanting to go to dinner with my friends for my birthday? i dont get that.. i NEVER winged to him and said get someone else to take her i said ok i understand you cant come??
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (7 February 2010):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd one thing you are choosing to ignore is i tried to rearrange my plans so he could come and he said no.
and just because he couldn't come to my dinner when he had other things to do doesnt mean he had to ignore me on my birthday? how do you justify that?
because he has a daughter he has to be rude to his gf on her bday? yeah im not getting that part. NO he wasnt upset he couldnt come to the dinner, HE DIDNT WANT TO GO, he NEVER wants to go to any outing with my friends. he was upset i was going out at all, because he said "why do u have to do anything for your birthday with your stupid friends"
how is it being childish to cry when someone you love is purposely upsetting you. he knew what he was doing, even told his daughter "shes crying because she is sad.." NOT shes crying cos shes being a child
i dont think its childish of me to expect him to want to come to my bday dinner when he will go to ANY event with his friends if it means getting someone else to look after her.
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (7 February 2010):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts funny you say "shes not a toy"
if he has things he wants to do like - a snow trip with his mates the whole weekend, playing computer games he will palm her off to his mum to look after her the whole weekend.
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Oh, I am big and ugly enough now to deal with it, ... but thank you :-)
I still agree with your prior post tho, .. kids not being toys and wot not, .. immaturity , sacrifices, .. but I guess shit happens whatever way you look at it huh! :-)
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
Not my name.. sorry for your pain, sorry your mum wasn't mature enough to make sure you felt comfortable. My story is opposite. As an only child I always came first after my parents divorce. So many times they walked away from relationships, when I was trying my best to make friends and desperately wanting them to get married again, so I could have step brother's and sisters. One time my dad dumped a woman cause she thought he shouldn't have bought a video recorder for me. My mum dumped a guy who watched too much cricket, she wanted me to be able to see the children's programmes.... ahahaha.. stupid parents, I didn't love TV that much, good stepparents are nicer.... But I'm not giving up hope, 70 aint that old, they could still get married one day... :)
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female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (7 February 2010):
I agree with Miamine - my owm mum chose a man over me, and ya know what I did, I moved out of home at 17 in disgust.
There were numerous incidents of her doing such things , I had consequently lost all respect for her, and when her latest boyfriend (at the time) chewed me for next to nothing, and she backed him instead of me when I was actually in the right, she had done her dash!
I went to an AFL Football game to get out of the house, left the game, saw a bus in the carpark taking supporters for free back to the town the visiting team was from, (over an hour away) ...and said 'screw it' and got on it. Just like that!
Mum cried her eyes out for weeks, her boyfriend tried to bribe me with a free car to come back, ...but I said I would rather walk for the rest of my life and maintain some self respect ...and never went back.
There was a lot more to it obviously, but that is one example of what kids do when their parents choose potentially passing dalliances over their own children.
I am not bitter, I dont actively hold it against her, I even understand now as an adult why she made some of her choices (not that I agree with them) we visit each other, we are taking a 'theme park' holiday next month together, but I cant' shake completly viewing her with wariness and a certain amount of distrust .... but she disgusted me at the time, that was how I chose to remedy the situation, and the relationship has never been the same since.
That is why no man will ever come before my son, and why I will ony date men who are also parents and on the same page with their own kids.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 February 2010):
"I was a bit annoyed he couldnt organise someone else to drop her off......" Jamie90
She's not a toy, she's not a present to be dropped off, she's not a dog that you can dump on someone else. She's a little human being, who is growing and needs her daddy very much.
He came to my house with his daughter while my family was over and didnt talk to me the whole day. its my birthday, he gave me my gift and didnt even look at me. i cried while i was opening it then tried to hug him he just pushed away. he played with his daughter all day and ignored me" Jamie90
Jamie90, you sound like a little child yourself. The reason he pushed you away and didn't talk to you, is because you are acting like an unreasonable child, and that's how naughty children get treated. We try to explain this, and you start crying, "why am I under attack, it's my birthday, I'm special, I should be number 1 on that day".
You are still a young child yourself. You don't understand that parents can't afford to have birthdays, they don't have time off, they don't get to choose to play. Children come first 24hours a day, especially when you no longer live with them. You will have other birthday's, you will grow up and have children off your own. But this little girl, who no longer lives with her father, she will remember things like "he dumped me on someone else because he loved his new girlfriend more than he loved me."
From the way the guy reacted, I think he's disgusted with the level of your self-absorption and immaturity. Your relationship may not last very long. You are not mature enough to understand that sacrifices need to be made when you have kids. This guy has too many responsibilities for a young woman like you. I think you should really think seriously about whether this relationship is for you. A young guy with no kids would suit you much better.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (7 February 2010):
Happy Birthday! I'm sorry it rained and I'm sorry your BF is being confusing. I don't really get why he wasn't talking to you all day. That's weird. Was he mad because you changed the plans? Well... I guess the way I see it is if you invite people to attend something, they either can or they can't. So you need to accept that. You can't let that ruin your day.
Enjoy your evening with your friends and let your BF take you out another night. The whole point of celebrating your Birthday is to have fun right? so why bring the drama? If someone can't celebrate with you on the actual day they can celebrate with you on another day... and that way your BDay actually lasts longer@
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (7 February 2010):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni told him days in advance i had checked the weather and it was going to rain, and that i would want to have a dinner with my friends if it did. he never mentioned he would have to take his daughter home at that time, am i meant to ask? i would say its up to him to inform me when he has arranged to drop her home.
i dont understand why your on the attack? it was after all my birthday. and as soon as i mentioned the dinner he said "i wont come, im not driving all the way back to yours after dropping her off its too much effort"
he could have come after but chose not too because he couldnt be bothered driving an extra 45 mins on my birthday.
you act like i dont understand his daughter is no1 trust me i do. is it wrong to expect some support on the ONE DAY of the year i want to be important?
im going to go ahead and guess you have never played step mum
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 February 2010):
 Did you consult with your boyfriend when you were making your plans, did you ask him when he would be having access, did you ask him if he would like you to plan somewhere he could take his daughter, did you consider him at all when you were making your arrangements, was this why you were having a BBQ that had to be cancelled? Did you consider his child when you discovered rain was going to cause a change in plans, did you consult him, or just let him know the plans were changed?
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female
reader, jaime90 +, writes (7 February 2010):
jaime90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe visits are completely random, nothing legal is arranged. he could be dropping her off at5pm, 8pm, 12 pm the next day i would never know
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 February 2010):
yes, especially if his access arrangements are of long standing or ordered through the family law courts, you do need to organise anything you want you boyfriend to attend around his child's access visits.
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female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (7 February 2010):
 It's your birthday! You were not wrong! He was wrong! You were willing to reorganize around his commitment to his daughter.
I don't understand his treatment towards you. Is there more to this? If not, he is being cruel. I am sorry he ruined your birthday!
~BG~
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