A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,i met this boy 2 years ago who happened to be studying in the same university as I do.He was not from the city (A) where the university is, and I am from the city!so he lived in (A) for about 5 years and graduated during which we met and fell in love and started dating!now things are getting very tense between us because he returned to (A)to be with me and got a job here while I am getting better opportunities outside of the city!he thinks it's selfish if I take it up and is hurt that I am leaving this city!am I being selfish here?should I not go to the city of my dreams and work!right now I moved to my city of dreams it's been about a month since I got here but he is expecting me back!what do I do?
View related questions:
fell in love, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): It is selfish yes.
If you knew you were not prepared to meet him halfway then you shouldn't have let him move back.
You've let a man uproot his life for nothing.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (22 April 2015):
From his point of view, he's probably thinking that he uprooted his life once to be with you and is now pretty settled, then you up and decide you want him to move again.
I'm not saying you're wrong for wanting to follow your dreams, but it does sound like he's the one that's made all the sacrifices so far. If I were him I'd be a little upset that you were not as willing to make sacrifices and compromises for me, rather you just expected me to follow you no questions asked. I mean have you tried to reach a compromise on this? Remember it's his life too and he should have an equal say in where you live/move to.
Also, why did you let him move to you if you dreamed of working elsewhere?
If this is something you feel you have to do OP, then I think you should do it. It just means that you may not have him by your side when you do - only you can decide what's more important to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): Honestly, yes, it seems selfish. I also get a sense that though he's willing to commit fully to you that you're unwilling to commit to him. Maybe you're not ready for the kind of relationship he wants yet.Also, the fact that you moved there without telling him is revealing. There's no room for secrecy in a relationship. You must tell him the truth and talk to him about this--that's what you should do and straightaway. I believe he feels hurt, because you're putting your career, your wants over him and the relationship. He, on the other hand, made a sacrifice in order to move back to City A to get a job there and be with you. By doing so, he put you first, and he can't understand why you're not making the same sacrifice for him.Are you sure you want to remain in this relationship?Honestly, no "City of Dreams," can compare to a lifetime of love and companionship, and it sounds like this man is really devoted to you, a keeper. Men like that are hard to find. I know what it's like, however, to have a career dream. Sometimes, something has to give. If you two can't find a middle road, it may be best to part ways. Ultimately, only you can decide which is most important to you--your career or your relationship. To me, it sounds like, since you've already moved there, you've already made your decision.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2015): This is an example of situations when people uproot their lives to move to be with someone. I have consistently warned
OP's on DC about making a life-change in the name of love, where they assume all the risk. There has to be a compromise. Especially those who have met people while studying abroad; or long-distance relationships when one party wants to stay put, and make no personal-sacrifices toward the benefit of bringing the relationship together.
Hopefully you have assured him that there is certainty in your feelings for him. If not, you must let him go. He gave up a lot to be with you, now you're ready to spread your wings and fly. He should have anticipated upon your graduation that there would be the possibility that you may have offers and opportunities that could demand that you relocate. It happened for him, and it should come as no surprise it could happen for you as well.
I relocated to attend a university near my partner's hometown. We lived together briefly in his hometown until I graduated. He got a fantastic job-offer from a law firm in another state. I was not about to stand in the way of his opportunity. He helped me find a great job through some connections near his new job; and we ended up making the big move together. Maybe you can do the same for your mate.
You have every right to pursue your dreams. He made a big choice; but didn't take into account you were a student at the time, and you would have to pursue your career opportunities. Wherever they may be. So now he has to decide whether he wants to follow you; or stay where he is and maybe catch up with you later.
Surely you must go where your destiny leads you, my dear! I just hope you'll consider good nearby opportunities first, in consideration of the fact he moved to be with you. It's easy to be selfish.
If you decide to take an opportunity and have to leave. Don't be surprised if he may not want follow.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 April 2015):
 Do you have better opportunities in the City B than you did in City A? Because if YOU do, why can't HE move there too?
Now he DID move back to A (to live with you) but maybe also to be closer to family and friends?
I don't think there is a right or a wrong here.
If I get your post right you two were both living in A when you started dating - HE moved away for work and then later returned to A and you? Correct?
So now that YOU are done with Uni, you have moved away to work and you want HIM to come to you, and he wants YOU to come back to A to him?
This is going to be impossible for the two of you if you can not find a compromise.
Personally, I understand that moving to city B (the city of your dreams) would be something I'd HAVE to do. He already had HIS air under his wings away from city A, so why can't he respect that YOU want to do the same?
What you two DO need to do, is have a sit down. YOU should be able to pursue your CAREER choice and path, after all THAT is why you got your degree.
He might NOT want to move away from city A.
So you are at a moot point where you two have to figure out if you CAN make it work LDR or finding a compromise.
And honestly, HOW is it NOT selfish of HIM to DEMAND to stay in A because HE moved back? But it's selfish that YOU want to USE your degree and get better offers in city B?
...............................
|
