A
female
age
30-35,
*andacub
writes:hi all, i'll try and keep this short.. I am in a long distance relationship with my baby (19 months)s father. We've been together for nearly 3 yrs. Lately we've been talking about the future, and the plan we made when jacob was born was he'd finish his last yr of uni, i'd find a flat and he'd move in and find a job. He finishes uni, i have a flat, i get all the papers to sign him onto the contract and he tells me hes 'not ready'. He gets job in his hometown and visits us every 3-4 weeks, and says that next yr he'll move here. A few months ago, i decide i need to do something with my life, in order to become employable as i had to quit uni when pregnant, and find a college course that will lead to a job ill love. I ask my partner what he thinks, and he says 'go for it'. So i go for it, i get accepted, secure funding, get jacob a nursery place, and he then decides to tell me that hes sick of long distance and wants me to not go to college and move to his town. we talk, e says he doesnt want to move here because its too hard to find a job and he doesnt like the city.I say ill think about it.We've just spoken on the phone, and i told him ill move whereever he wants, after i do this course. I genuinly think its whats best for our son, i am currently ridiculously unemployable, and we wont bein a position for me to go to college if i move now. He got quite cross, said im being unreasonable and rigid and he wont move here. Im feeling torn and guilty, i want jacob to have both his parents together, but i dont want to feel bullied into moving. He doesnt even live on his own, he lives with his dad. I understand him travelling is hard, buthaving jacob 24/7 is hard.i want to better our lives, but i feel like im being selfish.What do you think? If you feel im in the wrong, please say. Thanks
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female
reader, pandacub +, writes (4 August 2012):
pandacub is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou everyone, you're all backing up what i thought. The fact that i feel selfish for trying to put my son first is kind of proof that hes not. I'm always putting others first, and hes always putting himself first, this is where our problems lie. I just have to remember, that though he is making me feel selfish, i am Not being selfish. Thanks again everyone, you've all been really helpful
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): no don't move to his town, you need to follow your career plans and invest in your own future.
by investing in your future career, you are ensuring better security for your son's future. that's doing your job as a parent.
it's better for children if BOTH their parents are employable and capable of earning money, than only one. Yes I'm a firm believer that women should not be stay-at-home moms forever. for a few years while kids are really small, sure I can understand. but I believe women should not be financially dependent on a man as a long-term lifestyle. anything can happen in the far out future. What if your bf/husband leaves you in the future? Alimony payments won't sustain your standard of living forever. Or what if he does something really bad and you need to leave him? you don't want to be 'held hostage' to a relationship/marriage turned sour simply because you are unable to survive on your own. Even if the relationship stays intact, anything can happen and what if he gets killed or disabled in an accident and can no longer work?
This is why it's important for kids that BOTH their parents be capable of earning a living wage. Either parent should be capable of financially supporting the children on their own if need be. If you wait until a crisis (like the husband getting killed or disabled and unable to work anymore) to develop your work skills it may be too late to avoid sinking into poverty.
that means you need to invest in your employability now while you're still young and energetic.
It's also bad relationship-wise if you give up your dreams because your bf wants you to. That's a great way to build resentment over the next years and decades which will weaken your relationship. Furthermore it's not a sign of a healthy relationship if he wants you to give up your dreams to suit him. and giving in to him is just making that problem worse. take note of this...
your son does not 'need' both parents to live together. Many families throughout history have had to live apart due to economic hardships. It will not be forever. If you both love your son, you can both develop great relationships with him and demonstrate what quality family time is when you are together.
finally, be a strong female role model for your son. Do you want him to grow up thinking of his future gf/wife has someone whose only role is to be his 'support staff' rather than an equal partner? that is going to stick with him as a subconscious bias of how a family "should" be.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 When you are quick to give up your dreams and your goals for someone else's convenience, you do yourself and others a disservice.
For one thing, you reinforce the belief that women are less important than men and children. This distorts everyone's sense of where they fit in the world and it creates unrealistic expectations. Equality, like charity, begins at home. If you want him to value his future wife and his daughters, then you teach him early by showing him that his mother matters too. That she doesn't just exist for him.
And for another, you undermine your son. When you devalue the mother, you devalue the child as well. If his guardian is vulnerable, then he is vulnerable.
Obviously you don't put your desires ahead of your son's needs, but you don't place his desires ahead of your needs either.
And a man who really wants to impress a woman will treat her child far better than a man who doesn't. Jacob's father places his goals above the welfare of his son so what is good and convenient for him should be of little interest to you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 August 2012):
 He said you are being unreasonable and rigid AFTER he chose not to follow through on original plans?
HA! Turn his words back on him, remind him you and the baby are settled in the flat you both agreed you would get.
You are doing the right thing, if you were my daughter I would be advising you to do exactly as you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2012): This man wants to keep you 'weak' and rely more and more on him. Classic abuser traits.
You are on your own when it comes to what you and Son need. And its for you to secure a good education and means to provide for you and son without babying a grown man that is so insecure; he plays games, can't commit, then throws a tantrum when he sees you don't need him.
You don't need anyone. You can love another but you don't need to. Its a choice.
Currently, your gut is accurate when it tells you to go to Uni and get employable.
So do it and let baby's Dad throw a tantrum. He'll get over it.
You do a far better service to yourself and baby when you are self reliant. This way no man can attempt to control and abuse you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (3 August 2012):
The person who cares most about Jacob is his mother. She is his staunchest advocate. She's given up a great deal so that he is well cared for. Jacob's father may love him, but he loves himself more. Were you 'ready' to quit university? Probably not, but you did it. Were you ready to give up your free time and your social life? Probably not, but you did it. Were you ready to give up your sleep? Probably not, but you did it. Jacob's father chose to live the life of a bachelor (even if he wasn't dating anyone else) and cherish his free time because...he wasn't quite 'ready yet'.Sooooo...the very best thing you can do for Jacob is to ensure that Jacob's mother is in a happy and stable place where she has all the support she needs. And that place is not far away from all that she knows and loves to be with a man who may or may not be 'ready yet'.You first, then Jacob......then maybe him.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 August 2012):
Actually, your boyfriend’s being selfish. You give up the college course that’s going to improve your job prospects, you move up to where he lives even though it’s hard to get work there, and what exactly does he give up? IT seems you’re making all the sacrifices and compromises and it’s not fair. Understandably, you gave up university when you got pregnant, and now you’re trying to get an education now your son is that bit older and can attend nursery. Do you think you will be able to cope with the move if you did your college course first? Could you be happy where he lives or would you end up resenting him? Do you perhaps need to think about the both of you moving to a different area altogether that’s new for both of you? These are the things you need to think about, but as for quitting your college course, I’d caution against it. Why should you give up all your aspirations? The long distance isn’t ideal but it’s only temporary. Plus, there’s always Skype. Surely he could come down to visit a little more often? You want to know if you’re being selfish. I’ve given you a lot of questions to think about, but one thing you should be certain of is that it’s him being selfish and you should not be talked in to a decision you’re not happy with.
I wish you all the very best.
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