A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am in my mid 60s an I work 8 hours 4 days a week in a supermarket. I have 6 children, 24 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren. 6 of my grandchildren have lived with me at some point for one reason or another. I am a widow so it's just me, one of my sons (now disabled) and one of my nephews (17) in a small 2-3 bedroom place.My grandson is one of my daughter ^Lisa's children and I have to say that Lisa and her husband have unfairly treated my grandson compared to his brothers and sisters. They haven't been good role models (drinking, smoking, letting their other children party all of the time) and my grandson is the product of it - he drinks, smokes and hangs around late with bad influences. He had no freedom at his parents' house, unlike the others, so now he's got a fair bit he kicks the backside out of it. I can understand why he is the way he is but I don't want to see him fall into the same situation.He goes to college. He has a best friend who I talk to on the phone sometimes but have never met in person and she helps him with his studies once a week. He's half-heartedly looking for a job but relying on one of my other daughter's second husband to find him and one of my other grandsons a job where he works.He wants to change and he is a good lad but he's had such a difficult upbringing that it is very hard for his best friend and myself who care about him more than the rest of my family do. It's frustrating because he gives up easily because he has been told by his parents that he's no good his entire life. He even hides food from me because it's a habit that he had to do at home when he was grounded (stricter than his siblings) and they wouldn't make him anything to eat even when he wa young and it was engraved into him. I don't know what to do. His best friend is with me on this because she's had enough of him acting like the bad influences he hangs around with and I can't do anything much for him money wise because his parents won't sign over the child benefits, my own daughter is trying to make it harder for me. My grandson is nearly 18 so I don't know how to help him because none of this is his fault and it just isn't fair. It's harder as I'm getting older and still having to work to keep up with the extras ill need to support my grandson now. I don't want to just desert him but if it gets really difficult, he'll have to go back to his parents but it will just get worse for him. What do I do? I'm lost for ideas but I can't give up on him because his best friend and I are the only support bases he has.I don't have an account so I would appreciate if you checked back for any updates.Thank you very much, Val
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2012): I would just add to the other responses by suggesting that your grandson gets counselling to help with his experiences of abuse. All of the other things that people have suggested will help, but it's more than just a situation in which he needs to understand that he is coming to an age where he has to choose how to take responsibility for himself - if he is doing things like secretly keeping food, this is a sign that he is not at all over the abusive experiences that he has had - experiences like this can cause further problems later on in life, so please urge him to ask his doctor to recommend a counsellor to help him. It can be particularly hard for young men to face up to the idea that they need a counsellor, so please emphasise that this is a very manly and courageous step forward, not a sign of weakness, and one that will one day help him to help his own children towards a good life.
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 August 2012):
 Hi
What a dilema at your age when you should be relaxing and enjoying life a bit more. Hats off to you for caring.
I would just guide him as you have been,you have shown him the good route,that you care,so has his best friend.The fact he is at College is a good sign.
You should be getting his benefits though, you need to apply for them independantly, your daughter is defrauding them by continuing to get his money.
At the age your grandson is he needs to learn right from wrong,the consequences of his actions,you can only show him right and that you care and encourage him. If he doesnt take the right route its his choice.I hope he gets a job,if he doesnt then he will have too much free time. I would focus on that, there might be something where you work? Finding work anywhere is hard just now but once he has a wage in his hand he will see the advantages.
You can take a horse to water but you cant make him drink
Best of luck,you are brilliant.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (4 August 2012):
As you know there’s only so much you can do, which can be frustrating. It does sound like he’s had a rough deal but even so he’s at an age now where he has to understand that we are responsible for our own choices and decisions and that he is choosing to indulge in the same behaviour as his parents. But having said that, he may well not know how to do things differently. All you can do is offer him your time, and most importantly, your concern. It needs to be obvious to him that you are an ally with his best interests at heart. When the opportunity presents itself, you should sit down with him and explain to him that you want the best for him, and what a good person he is. Talk with him about what he wants out of life, and help work out a plan of action for him. For instance, thinking about getting a job, has he figured out what his skills and strengths are, and has he been advised about the kinds of careers he could have with them? Could you perhaps help him create a CV or covering letters, go along to some recruitment agencies with him, or help him get some work experience? You really don’t need to be generous with money with your grandson, what he needs is time and guidance. On one level he mightn’t like it and he might complain about your interventions, but at a deeper level it’s giving him the structure and order in his life that he needs, and the comfort that comes with knowing that some-one thinks you’re worth their time and effort. Another thought that springs to mind is helping him broaden his social circle. Volunteering is a great way to do that, gain rewarding experiences and meet all kinds of people. People always talk about the “wrong crowd,” but then they always forget about how the person can find the right one.
How much time is he spending at your place? You should find jobs for him to do to help you out, and be sure to tell him how much it’s appreciated. Give him the opportunities to be kind and considerate so that he can see the value of doing things for others.
The take-away message for you and his friend is to remember that you can only do so much and if he chooses to go down the wrong path you can’t blame yourselves. However, being generous with your time and your encouragement is likely to boost his confidence and change his attitude. If he does go down the wrong path, at least he’ll have been shown a better one, which he might just take.
I wish you all the very best.
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