A
female
age
30-35,
*r.StrangeLove
writes:So, I know this duels as a parenting question, but since the point of interest is my relationship I figure I should ask it here. Some Background: I am married and have a child from a previous relationship. I'll spare you the gruesome details, and just say the father and I had a very chaotic relationship, and my husband (we were friends than) always supported me where the father did not. My baby has become increasingly clingy. He always wants to be around me, and most especially *on* me. He is nursing, and recently stopped sleeping through the night. Due to my husbands job, I do not see him but maybe two weekends out of the month. When he does come home, we get little time together and its become straining on our relationship. He dislikes sharing the bed at night (I nurse) and has taken to sleeping in the spare room on occasion. And wants more "us" time. He has been understanding in the past but now I get comments like 'well we should do this, but next time leave -son- with my sister', or 'I feel like you wake him on purpose', etc. We really do have no private time, but should I be upset that he is not as understanding? I want to give him attention as well, but my 6 month old is very demanding. I need to know, how can I balance the two? and, How can I get my baby still nursing (six months old) to be more independent? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): Bottom line, your baby comes first, your partner needs to realise that. Any comments your partner makes ignore them. This time witH your beautiful baby, you will never ever get back.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 September 2011):
 6 months old is a notoriously clingy time for babies as they develop their own personalities... give him time
if he's waking during the night he may be teething or getting ready for a growth spurt.
It's hard to leave a nursing baby with someone else. I nursed both of mine and I'm a retired La Leche League Leader so I know how hard it can be.
Hubby needs time and attention too and only seeing him 2 weekends out of the month sucks...
can you at least get someone to watch the baby so you and hubby can go out and have dinner alone... some down time for the grown ups will help.
also be advised that nursing babies have "MOM radar" so that when mom and "dad" are getting down and cosy alone for some "adult time" they will wake up and cry... sucks but it happened to me over and over with mine.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (21 September 2011):
 If I'm reading this right, your husband was willing to marry you and dedicate his life to being with you, even though you have or were about to have another man's kid. That's huge, from a man. Most guys would not do that. He sounds as selfless as they come. You've gotten incredibly lucky with this guy and need to care for him if you're going to keep him.
It's great that you're taking such close care of your kid, but so is he - he's working his ass off to provide for the both of you. If you want him, or anyone, to respect the effort you're putting into being a good mother, respect the effort he's putting into being a good provider. But you also have to be a good wife. It's demanding, but it's part of what he signed up for when he married you.
What he's asking is not unreasonable - a little private time with his wife once or twice a month. You don't have to do it every time he comes home, but make arrangements now and then to have the baby away for an afternoon or so. Then, have an awesome afternoon with him; don't just take it as an opportunity to nap for a few hours, or it won't have the effect you're looking for.
Bonding with the baby will be more difficult for him if he has to compete with it for time with you. It'll be worth the effort of finding a way to have the baby cared for away from you for a few hours. Besides, the best gift you can give the baby is not 24-7-365 attention now, it's two loving parents for next couple of decades. That's loving not just of the child, but of each other.
It's tough on both of you, but that's how it is with kids. You can rise to the challenge and find time for each other as well as the child. And be thankful you've found your husband, men like him aren't common.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): To be honest, far from thinking he is not very understanding. I think your husband sounds pretty amazing! He was there for you during your troubles and supported you. He has since married you. He works hard to provide for you and your child and can only get home for a couple of weekends a month. So he is providing a home for you two, which he probably hardly ever gets to enjoy himself. There are many deadbeat dads who wont provide for their own children, let alone someone elses. So this is not a bad guy.I breast fed my children and by the time they were six months they were down for the night by about 8pm. I didn't have them sleep in the marital bed because of the bad habits that can form. Plus the dangers of rolling on them during sleep. Also if you only have your husband home for about 4 nights in the month, there should be some loving to catch up on and having a baby/child in bed with you during certain activities is not desirable.So i can understand your husband retiring alone to the spare room! Maybe you could join him there sometimes for a cuddle! Then he might not feel so sidelined. You can always go back to the marital bed/baby afterward. But at least then your husband would feel he is also important to you because you have taken time out to give him a little undivided attention. That is not too much to 'balance' if you love him, married him for the right reasons and want your relationship to flourish. A baby does not mean the end of a relationship. It means incorporating the child into the existing relationship and growing together through love... and compromise. On both parts not just your husbands. It sounds as if you spend so much time alone with your child that he is taking up not only the principle place in your heart... but your bed too. But don't forget you have a good and probably rather lonely man there that obviously loves you. Try and understand how he might feel. He might need a little love and reassurance that he is being appreciated. He is not asking for anything outlandish, just a little one to one time on the rare occasions he is home. Men can and do stray when babies come along because the mothering instinct can be so intense, that some men are totally thrown by it! They can be left feeling unappreciated, even unloved. So if you truly have a good guy there...don't take your eye off the ball. Carve him out a little one to one time. It is only for a few days a month and will pay dividends. As for getting baby into a routine. Ask your health care provider when you can start introducing solid food. That might stop him from waking in the night due to hunger. Pop him in his own bed at night and after any night feeds, return him to his own bed. It will be difficult at first but persevere. It might be tempting to snuggle up together at night because you feel lonely but it won't be long before you find you have a 5 year old, screaming at you from his room every night because you won't let him sleep with you anymore. Nightmare!Avoid that by getting into an 'own' bed routine now rather than face major problems later on.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Your child has to come first. If he cannot understand that your baby is a helpless infant completely dependent on you and he is not, he needs to take a hike.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 September 2011):
 well done that you are nursing your dear precious baby. This is the responsible thing to do, if you are lucky enough to be able to nurse. It is good for the baby and good for your waist line too.Nursing is rewarding for Mom but also can be very hard work. You need extra rest, not more demands on you. Babies like being fed when it suits the baby, not some grown man who can go to the kitchen and pour his own milk.Demand feeding is just that. On demand to suit the baby. Once a baby comes into a home the first 12 months are all about the baby. (and the tell your guy to thankful you are not bottle feeding because then he would be up sterilizing the bottles and spending way more time in the kitchen, not the bedroom. (oh and the laundry!)And tell your guy that soon he is going to need to "baby-proof" your home and get things up high enough that baby cannot be hurt while crawling around on the floor. Then there will be the toys on the floor. I recall my first husband commenting that a one year old should be "trained" to only play with one toy at a time and put the toy away (he had been an only child). I suggested he start the training immediately!!! The bemused look on the one year's face told me immediately who was going to win this one. He came to realise that babies are not like work colleagues. They don't play by grown up rules. But babies do need good people like you, who know that bringing up a baby is a lifetime achievement.Six months old babies are clingy. Then so are 7, 8,9,10, 11, 12,and 13 month old babies the same. Babies can be playful, happy, sad, restless, clingy and many other things, at times. later when the teeth start causing baby untold pain, then get used to long long bouts of crying from baby and a very restless unsettled baby. (because the baby is in pain - remind you guy of that, when it happens) Even 4 and 5 year olds can go through clingy phases. Welcome to parenting. Then there are the times I have wanted to tear my hair out when the terrible two (years old) time arrives.And the first 12 months is very tough on the Mom. Ask him to cut you some slack.Your dear beautiful innocent little baby comes first. Think in 15 years, what will your baby boy remember? That his Mom nurtured him, was there for him, encouraged him, helped him? Played with him, listened to him. Or that his Mom was more concerned with satisfying this new man in your life. The baby is a tiny cute little bundle of joy. How long was this man "understanding?" - for the first few weeks until he had finally secured your affection? This man knew the baby was there in the picture when he first met you. The baby is not negotiable. I have news for this (possibly selfish??)guy, babies are going to want to come in for a cuddle when the lightening is striking or the blizzard is blowing. And keep doing so, t maybe at 2 and 3 or more year old. Your dear little baby is NOT independent and should not be expected to be hurrying towards independence, and will not be fully independent for another 18 years. That is the reality for good parenting. Perhaps this insensitive? guy, lacking in empathy? and lacking in understanding? guy could write out a list of demands for the baby and read them out to the baby and pin it up on the wall beside the baby's bassinet or baby-bed for perusal by baby (good luck on that)Your new guy is unrealistic. And sadly you are currently parenting two babies, the big one and the 6 month old one. He has given his love to you and agreed to be your partner. That is lovely. He has also done a wonderful thing agreeing to help you parent your baby. Has he talked about adopting the child later? Or has reality set in, and now he realises that a baby is not a cute bundle that you coo over and then hand back. Instead it is a wholely dependant defenceless tiny little human being. Needing care and consideration 24 hours a day. Needing a mountain of clothing, supplies, support, consideration and attention and love. And that's just the first year. It doesn't stop there. It is a commitment. Everything you do or do not do affects your baby and their future. babies are smart. They learn very quickly who they can trust, who loves them, who tolerates them, and who is insincere.Certainly you should later schedule some couple time. But honestly the first 12 month time is when he could and should be doing everything to make you feel comfortable. Get him a book on raising babies.Ask his sister to come over and give you some tips in front of him. Because I bet his sister has a better idea of how tough it is for you.And occasionally get his sister to come over and co-babysit at home. Why do I suggest co-babysit? Because so far he worries me. I am not sure I would trust him alone with a baby. You are just as likely to come home to see him stretched out, with the headphones on, while the baby is screaming alone and wet and unfed in the next room.Allow your sister in law to help bring a dose of reality into his life and start to bond better with the baby, if he is happy to do that.But if he cannot bond with the baby now then I am concerned that he will become an increasingly selfish partner in the future. And I would be doubly concerned that if he did have children with you that he would want his biological children to have more advantages than he is suggesting for your baby. Just a thought, but I would be wary.
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