A
female
age
51-59,
*eardrop3
writes:Hi looking for advice here so it may help me make my mind up before I take the plunge...My partner of over two years has asked me to move in with him.Everything is fine apart from two things is one that I would be moving into the house where him and his ex wife lived in together and the second thing is before he met me he was going on "certain sites" to chat to women and they still appear in his spam box...does this mean he still uses the sites as I thought they would have stopped sending emails spam or not by now? Thanks in advance x
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (8 October 2012):
 As So Very Confused said, if the spam emails are from the SITE itself (like 'xxx singles in your area waiting to meet you' etc) then that is nothing to worry about, online dating sites keep your email address for a very long time as they know people move in and out of relationships, so he will remain on their email list.
However if he is getting direct messages from women on these sites, that indicates he still has an active profile on these dating sites and he is talking to women behind your back. That would be something to worry about!
As for the house, it is personal preference what you do here. I wouldnt be bothered if I moved into my partner's home and found out he lived there with an ex, as long as the ex isnt in the house anymore that's fine by me! But equally, some people do feel uncomfortable about it and dont like the idea that there was another woman in that bed, using that kitchen etc.
Have you told him it makes you uncomfortable? Could you think about buying a house together and selling his current house? Or maybe decorate the current house together so it feels more like you and less like her?
Talk to him and tell him how you feel, I'm sure he wont be upset by this, he will just be glad you want to build a new life together that doesnt have a reminder of his ex around.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 let me address the spam first.
If you are talking about mail from the site itself like "we found matches for you" or other stuff to try to get him to come to the site, then he never asked them to stop sending the mail and they will continue to send it.. he has to request they stop sending it. It's not something folks think about especially if the stuff is already going to the spam box and they don't see it.
IF he's getting posts from other members of the site directly (like conversations back and forth) then that's worrisome.
as for moving in to his ex wife's house.
when my dad and his partner moved in together, he sold the house he lived in with my mother...
my husband moved in with me in my home on the condition that we sell it and buy a place of our own.. he does not want to live in a house where i have had other husbands and I do not blame him. I respect that.
The issue is that the market is lousy and we can't afford to sell right now... so we have fixed it up totally all new walls and floors and all new furniture... a good chunk of change... we have made it our home as much as possible... but we still will sell and move and buy our own place together in a few years... it's a condition of our being together.
so my take for you:
1. ask him to take his name off the mailing lists from the websites that bother you (if it's just spam that's not an issue)
2. discuss moving to a place all yours and his... either sell his place or rent it out... and if you don't want to live in "her house' (and I don't blame you) and he refuses to move, well then you have a choice to make.
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