A
female
age
36-40,
*amara Hanley
writes:Hi I was wondering if you could help me. Ive asked a few questions in the past on the same topic.Its my Ex. We split up over a year ago now. He left as he has commitment issues, he left me up north in our home, I moved to London to get away from him and start again and then he wanted me back 6 months later but id met someone else, i ended things with the new guy, got back together with my ex and then he left again. Again i lost my house, my job and was heartbroken. He was awful to me at first (he couldnt get over the other guy i was seeing when we split up) blocked my numbers deleted me from facebook wouldnt let me have his address and openly tried to get ith other girls probably to upset me.Anyway after the worst year of my life, ive got a good job again, im in a house share as i cant afford my own place, ive made some new friends and feel alot better than the depressed state i was in. However i still love my ex alot, we went through alot together. We kind of kept up a friends with benefits situation for the last year but obviously i want more like commitment and a relationship.Anyway i think hes spiralling out of control as he ended up getting into intensive care through alcohol and drugs recently, he drinks alot and i know hes taking drugs again. He drinks himself until he blacks out, its weird he kind of is out of control and its like hes suppressing soemthing or not dealing with something (our break up)Anyway i went to see him after the intensive care thing and it was greta to see him he seemed relieved to see me and was really nice like he used to be but i ended up sleeping with him and now feel used again and as though all the progress id made has been ruined.He tells me he loves me but has issues he needs to deal with and i shouldnt wait around while deals with them. Its weird he told me the same thing when we first broke up and he came back, im guessing im playing the safety net and i need to take that away from him for him to make a decision as to whether he wants a life without me or not. Ive been trying to do this but finding it hard not to contact him. I think Im going to get the rest of my things from him and then we need to have no contact do we?We soeka at least once a week and i decided the other day that i might as well leave london as i have no family here and nothing of my own i want a home and to be close to people i love and love me. I told my ex about this and he was ok speaking to me i said "we want different things i want a family commitment and a relationship and you want to sniff coke and be single" he said to me "how do you know i dont want those things? Maybe i need a woman to calm me down" i said "you had a woman but you lost it all" he then said "maybe i need a new woman?" its just constant head games with him all the time, i know he loves me but he just wont commit to a relationship anymore, what am i supposed to do? I dont want to give him an ultimatum as that doesnt work with commitment phobe men does it?So should i just get my things back ignore him and move back home and leave london behind? Get a house of my own again, get a car and be close to all my family? I just have a feelig i may end up regretting leaving london as theres so much to do and maybe i could have had a life there in time? I just dont know what to do for the best. Ive spent 2 years here and at first it was fun and new but alot of hoirrible things have happened to me in london, the guy i got involved with in lodnon at first turned out to be a possessive psycho (he held a pitchfork to my throiat once) i ended up pregnant 3 times and lost them all. I lost my flat and job previously its only been the last 4 months ive actually started getting on with things down here but my heart still wants my ex.I just honestly dont know what to do? Any suggestions at all? I think im pining for my old life back with my ex up north where we were settled and happy in our little bubble (before he left) i was so happy and conformtable then, and although he left me then he definietly regretted that as he chased me down london. Maybe im wanting to move back home in the hope he'll follow me and want to be with me again? I just dont know but my head is everywhere. Thanks for reading this
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (6 August 2011):
 I think you should move back home if you want to be near your family and NOt because you want to get back with your ex. He seems like a very out of control dependant person who also seems to love mind games and is hoping he can pour his weaknessess onto some other woman who he hopes will rescue him.
Is this what you think you deserve? Don't you think you deserve better? If not...why?
We all cling to the familiar, especially if their were emotional feelings and love involved, but All love isn't GOOD love. Some love is dependant, possesive, draining, controlling, manipulating. It is my opinion that all these apply to the love you feel for your ex.
You seem like a smart girl who has just made a few poor choices. You have a good job, are capable of living and supporting yourself independently and you are still young enough to put all the bad behind you and move on to better things...It's OK you know to let go of all the shit, it really is.
I know the thought of meeting someone new is daunting and it's hard not to carry your fears foward, but even living alone (without a partner) is better than living with someone who uses you and plays games with you and manipulates you. Someone who is obviously incapable of guiding their own life and keeping it on track.
People who use drugs make very very very poor partners and you are guaranteed a difficult and unhappy life.
Move back North if you feel it is where you want to be, or stay in London and just learn to make better choices, just don't fall into the trap of thinking life with your ex will be anything other than it has been.
(As a side note, I too was dumped by my BF of 2 and a half years. I have spent the last 18 months getting over him and getting on with my life. The first year was absolute hell, I was depressed, longed for him, despite all the shit he put me through. I built up this huge scenario in my head that he was perfect and I was the one to blame for him dumping me.
A couple of weeks ago he contacted me. his current girlfriend had dumped him and he called to see 'how I was doing'. Of course I went running back to see him. As soon as I saw him it was like we had never been apart. I felt relief, I thought 'this is is...we are back'. Then his old behaviour returned. The snide comments about my weight, the put downs that he thought I was miserable. Everything about why we split up came flooding back. His cheating, his controlling, his manic behaviour. Right in that moment I realised after all that time he still hadn't changed. He still thought he could snap his fingers and I would go running (which I did...like a lap dog). I realised that I just wanted to get away from him so I came home. I text him later in the day and said I didn't want to see him again...he never replied.
It just demonstrated that he was an ex for a very good reason. He was a square peg to my round hole...we couldn't work because he didnt respect me and he would never change. It is finally over!!)
I hope you see sense and I hope this helped.
AE xxx
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 August 2011):
 You are not making good choices. Reread the letter and pretend it's written by someone else.
Would you recommend not using birth control and having children with a possessive psycho? How about when someone else is sleeping with a guy who holds a pitchfork to their throat? Would you recommend pursuing a guy with commitment issues? How about going back to an ex that you have broken up with multiple times? How about going back KNOWING he has drug/alcohol/addiction issues? Truthfully, Are either of these guys the model father for your children?
I think it's time to work on yourself and your OWN issues, like making bad choices. Straighten out your own life. Start by getting your own home and career. Stay away from men for about a year. Stop thinking that being with a man is the thing that is going to "complete you" or make your life work. Make yourself totally independent and self sufficient.
Give yourself a break from dating and AFTER a year is over, then you can have a little perspective on what you want in a man. Try reading this book as well -
http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Women-Their-Lives/dp/0060976497
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