A
female
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30-35,
*uv Lost
writes:How to deal with possibly marrying a bad boy who is slow at shaking his bad boy image... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Luv Lost +, writes (26 June 2011):
Luv Lost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, SO cool to see replies to my quest. FUnny because I wrote a long page then erased it. He is a bad boy and has a hutler mind. Whether it stupid ole gambling to "flip money", credit card schemes or returning things a year old for the full price. Hes in a world of his own. lol I mean its like he can do and thinks of things Id never imagine.
Like sell hes car to someone without the title and when they fall behind on payments go get the car because "Its his anyway and he has the title". Or faking someone broke into his house to get the insurance money. Its urking just to write about it. I never know about this crap until after the fact. He careful not to tell me becus Ill flip!but my nose is so suspicious now! I figure some things out and he says to stay out his business or to stop trying to run him.
He says hes has gave up alot for me and that lifestlye is old news but Im still curious about his mind. Geez Ill admitt Id want to "fix" my boyfriends and give them someone they could trust in becus I really wanted the same. I grew up in the worst situations and it hurts to know how people wrote me off beus my parents did drugs etc.. so I see and understnad his hurt but I want him to know he doesnt have to live in the mental bondage like I did.He was poor and abused too but he doesnt have to be such a schemer. Should I have become a druggy stripper? NOOO!
We both met in college an have bachelors degrees but Ive taken mine and used it as a platform for change. (Been out of college 2 years) Im 1st in my whole family to be childless, jailess and have a degree oh and drugless. Hes doing well too but its like his mindset is still like hes living in that ran down trailer in the country. I hate that. I admitt I have plenty unconfident days when I cry becus Im alone.
I dont speak to my family becus its painful and I still urn for a mom of a dads voice or support, He speaks to his family daily and still runs around gambling his last money away or thinking of schemes to make more money. I was poor too so I cherish my money but he has racked up in credit card debt and best buy cards lol omg grrr! Really?
I always tell him how id like to take my pain and shop or play people or scheme to get money but I dont!!! I cherish the little bit of sane life Ive started without my druggy dysfunctional, mentally ill, incarerated angry family.
As of now, I view us as temporary and Im not going to fight with him about his stupid business or how he thinks. He insists hes grown. But even tho he does what he wants-I do what I must! I dont owe him crap and life doesnt owe me crap either! Ima make it regardless of those around me. He can get left in wind and Im not gone to concern myself with his mindset-hell I have a hard enuf time staying confident and faithful in myself. Hes just a bf and despite how he tried to show me how he as changed--Ill be the judge,jury and xicutioner on that! I got money, career and debt free. F- it. If you cant keep up Ill leave you behind just like I did my family. My sanity is my goal and Im not letting nobody keep me from striving. lol I luved all my other boyfriends like this and in due time I was fed up with the crap- and I dipped on they butts too- They all realized I was a good goal drven person and wanted me back-nope! This city gurl alsmst to her fed=up point with that country boy.
Come to realize God as always protected me and hes all I have! If I cant trust loved ones or my own blood I CAN trust in God
PS. Im not a bad girl. (Forgive the errors typing in a frenzy)
A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 Just came across this. Male anonymous, I'm definitely with you on this one. To a degree, you are that to with which you associate. So if you associate with bad boys then chances are you are a bad girl. If you're not really a bad girl but are somehow in it for the thrill of it, then perhaps your thinking and/or rationalizing skills are off at minimum. Sort of like guilty by association. What, are you too stupid to realize that stealing cars is kind of against the law yet you seem to hang around as if there's nothing wrong with it?Sure one may not be aware of the "bad boy" at first, but I would think normally you know that going in and if not then you would know relatively soon. So chances are that if you're with a "bad boy" then you've consciously decided to be. So yeah, if you're going to have the attitude "bad boys" are for games and fun, then right back atcha...chances are that's all the girls who are with them are good for as well. You cheapen yourself hanging with the dregs and delinquents of the earth. You want to be cheap, then you may just attract the men who like cheap girls and cheap thrills. Once the "bad girl" gets over the "bad boy" phase and/or realizes that the "bad boy" is useless long term marriage or father material, then of course the "good guy" or the "nice guy" starts looking good now. History repeats itself. Should the good guy know of such "bad boy" phase he will question if you're really over it. He will question what went through that head of yours and if he really thinks it is worthy of his. Sure people can change. But that doesn't mean your past is automatically erased. It will still impact your future no matter what you think. And all the baloney of saying "oh who gives you the right to judge me" or "you're so judgemental" or blappity blah blah. Why else would convicts, criminals, and other "low lifes" want to escape to foreign countries, change their names, grow beards, mask their true pasts, and rewrite their own histories? Sure, it is all the fuckups and misfits who want the clean slate going forward and harping on the past is the past bullshit saying all that matters is that we're together now and that's all that matters. Give me a break and spare me the nonsense. When it comes to involvement in personal relationships we are all judge, jury, and executioner for that matter and we are judging ALL THE TIME. It's the way the brain functions, from fundamental and basic functions / requirements such as depth perception to values assessed in social settings. We may have a conversation, in my mind I might think you're a great speaker, or I might think that joke made you out to look like a prick. I haven't verbalized anything but I'm still judging. We judge all the time, of course, there may or may not be any authority backing it up as in the case of a legal court system. But in the court of personal relationships, and with whom which each of us chooses to get involved, we are all judge, jury, and executioner all in one. So, I come to find out you've been involved with "bad boys" and I'm a bad boy too, then sex, drugs, and rocknroll it is honey if you're game. Hey, we may actually have a blast, and live happily ever after with the authorities constantly riding me and a few other bitches calling you a home wrecker everytime my bastard children come to visit and/or call and need to be bailed out of jail. Maybe I'm the nice good guy, sorry, to the curb you go, I don't have time to associate myself with that world and girls who may not ever become women. There are other girls more in tune with what they want out of life and I don't want to figure out your mental or emotional problems and piss my life away. Sorry, been there done that, nice good guys with sufficient mental capacity soon realize being nice and good doesn't mean saving every damsel in distress from herself as if it were good samiritan work or some psychological research. Maybe I'm not so nice, we can have a few trysts in the sack, after all I like to be Austin Powers every once in a while and you're randy and make me horny, and then I'll dump you when something better comes along. I don't want to marry you (hey maybe you're the same), but it was a good lay while the pickings were slim. Then I will lie my face off to any future good girl I can manage to deceive playing the good guy saying, no I never cheated, I never strung anyone along...blappity blah blah, and the other party will just accept because let's face it, not everyone is going to buy the clean slate past is the past bullshit right?Maybe the not so nice guy now wants the true relationship, so he comes clean with past transgressions, he wants to accepted for who he really is, he gives partial truths of cheating on exes because they were bitches or had cheated on him, or he was just young and stupid, but now he is a changed person. He stopped stealing cars for a living. Now that he met you, he wants to be a better man, a better person, and he's actually never felt this way with anyone else. Isn't your heart a flutter now that not so nice boy has come clean and/or you just found out these truths about him because some ex felt the need to let you in on the man you think was sent from heaven for you? Other ladies, would you be stepping right up to such man of your dreams?...lol. Sure, you'll have a great jolly old time having to accept all this crap and you will never question it ever even if you make a conscious decision to buy it hook line and sinker. Yeah, just a bit of satire there if that's the grammatical term. Oh yeah, if I really want to tow the party line I'll say oh, don't worry Mr. Reformed Before Not So Nice Guy, the past is the past and I now trust you implicitly...ha ha ha...chances are if you truly buy that you have more than a few skeletons in the closet as well and you're probably a good match and will ultimately go on to find out how untrustworthy you are of one another, but still have a few kids before you call it quits. If you don't have any skeletons yourself, you'll live with ongoing constant reminders and doubts as you go through life, and that's at best assuming said person is actually reformed. So yeah, prepare for that mental burden that will follow you literally to the grave. So yeah, flip sides again now you're a woman, great guy you've been with, everything is just fantabulous, but 6 months before marriage, you found 7 years ago he was released from juvenile hall for murdering a homeowner on a break and enter gone bad. He's a fantastic guy, now, but some innocent mother or father is dead because of him but he's only out walking this earth with the rest of society because he couldn't be tried as an adult...and you're the lucky winner of this prize...but he's fantabulous now to you and you've never felt more in love. So what do you do? Tow the party line and say the past is the past and now we're together and love each other and can look past the lie and understand why you lied to begin with? Ha ha ha...you go girl, and I have a bridge for sale you may want to look at as well. And sure, you may well work out, of course start carrying that cross for the rest of your life because you towed the party line, wearing and choosing the ignorance is bliss route...because for some reason your self esteem is so shot and you bought the happy ever after dream hook line and sinker and Jesus spoke to you and that this is your cross to bear. So that is a bit extreme, but still very relevant. All we're talking about is degrees. So previously bad girl, I may not want to hear of your escapades with some prior douche. I don't potentially want some gang-banging ex 3.4 years into the future knocking on our door saying he had an epiphany and realized you were the one that got away as it is clear as day he just came from burning a spliff. I don't need our kids wondering what their mother was all about in a past life. Get it, I don't need you...maybe spliff man does. There are many other good and decent souls and lively, sexual women that deserves a guy like me. So hey, there it is, in the raw...lol. Flame away if you will...but give some rationale otherwise the debate is pointless. And rate away if you are a scumbag yourself and don't like hearing about reality and believe the world or some future partner somehow owes you something despite your past choices if in their judgement or determination, that you are not a suitable partner. ...Even if at first they may have thought you were, still played with you under the sheets, only to dump you later, because lets face it, they would have to accept that you were at minimum a douche in a past life...even though you are given the benefit of doubt in the current life. You lie your face off to prospective partners to hide your true self from others because you really do know reality but can't come to grips with it when it comes down to numero uno...namely yourself. Or perhaps you WERE a scumbag, but are intelligent enough to know the score. That you are damaged goods in the eyes of many. Not everything will be forgivable but maybe you will find the person, who for whatever reason or personal past experience is willing to accept certain things about you. So you tell the truth for the most part and are not a sociopath who will just use and abuse a prospective partner, telling them what they want to hear as long as they will buy it in order to get what you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2011): SoConfused said, "Bad boys can be fun . . . it doesn't mean she is sleeping with him or breaking the law with him."
And guns are fun to own but it doesn't mean the owner wants to shoot them. And sports cars are fun to drive but it doesn't mean the owner ever wants to be aggressive on the public road. Right. Whatever you say.
Bad boys are sexy but they have negative consequences. If you wanna have fun with those sexy guys then you need to accept the consequences. Accept the fact that your choices may be very unattractive to a different type of guy later on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 May 2011):
 to the anonymous Male who thinks that girls who "mess" with bad boys are for fun and games and not marriage... possibly.if she's a "bad girl" the way he's a "bad boy" then no she's not marriage materialif your implication is that she's a trashy girl for loving a bad boy and making poor choices, then I'm not sure I agree....and of course you didn't define mess and you seem to imply that ONE experience with ONE bad boy renders a young woman non-marriageable.... feel free to correct me if I'm wrong (not that you would need an invitation)....Personally for me if a young person (male or female) makes ONE bad choice of a partner it does NOT brand them for life. IF they consistently and chronically make the same poor choices of partners over and over... then they need to look at their behaviors and what drives those behaviors.Bad boys can be fun..... it doesn't mean she's sleeping with him or breaking the law with him....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): So Very Confused said, "Bad boys are for fun and games not marriage."
That might be true. But as far as I'm concerned, girls who used to mess with bad boys are also just for fun and games and not marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): how about don't deal with it...don't marry him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): "Bad boy" in what way? Criminal record? Cheat? Drug abuser?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2011):
 What's the hurry to marry?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2011):
you don't marry him....bad boys are for fun and games not marriage.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Is there some urgency in this?
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 May 2011):
 Marriage is difficult enough when you have complete trust in a person. If you have doubts about this guy, then no way should you marry him. People CAN change, if they really want to, and if they really try and are committed to change. But if he's slow about it, he's probably not sincere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): Don't. From experience with me (who shook the image) and my brother (who did not) one of two things will happen:1. If he remains a bad boy then you aren't going to have a very good relationship with him. Duh. He's a bad boy!2. If he changes and becomes a lot nicer then you will lose interest in him because you were drawn into that bad boy image to begin with. You will be bored to tears.I suggest you go find a nice man and stay away from bad boys.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): "How to deal with possibly marrying a bad boy who will never change nor shake his bad boy image..."
There, fixed.
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