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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello Agony Aunts and Uncles,My question is.....is it ok to settle with someone that you love but are not in love with??I am debating as to whether marry my man, who is extremely good to me......however, I do know that I am not in love with him. I'm 33 and would like to settle with someone - and I know he would always be faithful to me, kind, and a good husband.Is there anyone out there that has gone and married, knowing they weren't in love? Did it work out??!! Any regrets??All opinions welcome...Thanks,Miss Indecisive XX Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sister Love  +, writes (7 September 2008):
Hello sweet 33, I have probably the most experience here to answer your question. I married in 1984 to a wonderful man who gave me everything (new homes (4) and new cars) but, I was not inlove with him nor attracted to him physically but I was attracted to his income matching with mine totallying over 7k to 8k per month. I had two children ages 6 and 11 who are now 37 and 31. I did tell him before marriage that I wasn't inlove with him and he still wanted to marry me. He said that "in time you will love me". I really prayed to God to bless me to love him the way he loved me and I tried to fall in love. I learned the hard way, you cannot make yourself fall in love. He either are or you are not. We have been married almost 24 years 11/17th. He finally got tired of waiting for me to fall inlove and be attracted to him as he still is towards me. I even gave him two children via a reverse tubaligation now ages 17 and 21. We are in the process of divorcing right now. He finally commited adultery on me because he feels he doesn't yet have my whole heart. I know he desires to have someone to love him the way he has loved me but now I am older and don't want to be alone. I will fight giving him his freedom to be with this other woman because He really deserves it. I have also realized that I deserve to have the same reciprocated. This type of marital arrangement is really due to my fatherless childhood and dysfunctional family I came out of. I now know this to be true via a lot of soul searching, self help books and bible reading. I pray that God gives you the courage to be patient with yourself to grow enough to release this man to be blessed with a woman who is going to truly love him and you have that special someone coming your way also if you be paitient. He may hurt now but will love you later and maybe he was always meant to just be your awesome friend!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): I was in the same situation as you, I was in a relationship for 6 years, and although we wanted the same things out of life, I wasn't in love with him. He wanted to marry me and have children and would do almost anything for me. After we split, I met someone who I fell totally in love with - and it was the spark I was missing. Unfortunately it didn't work out as we wanted different things from life so we have parted. However, having experienced that spark, I know someone is out there for me. Until then, I am single and enjoying being me.
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female
reader, jabey  +, writes (17 November 2006):
I did marry someone because it was safe and secure, and Im telling you it is not a great idea. Years later I craved passion and the real love feeling I got depressed at the thought of spending the rest of my days with this man. So with three children in tow I left and it was liberating. I would rather be on my own than go without that real love. So dont make the mistake be brave and true to yourself and him. And now my life is complicated dealing with a new relationship and three children. Wish I would have held out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): Hi,
Im with a guy, been with him 4 years! i meet him really on a re-bound to someone who i was madley in love with but things happened and we parted i still think about him!
The new guy was lovely and handsom rich older than me ect ect, he took my mind of my ex and showed me a new life. 4 years on i feel like i dont want to sleep with him have kids or get married, i tried to split up a million times but i go back just due to habit!
My advice is go with the one you love if your lucky to find it.....coz they will stay in your head and heart for always and the feeling keeps you feeling alive, not dead like i have been feeling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2006): I'm in the same boat and everyday I wonder what to do. He's so good to me, and he's successful and devilishly handsome, but I'm just not in love..we've been dating for a year and he's already told me i'm the one. I have been straightforward in saying that I am not in the same place....it hurts. I don't think I will go through with it. you can justify it all you want with, oh but marriage is more than being in love and chemistry passion, it fades after a while, etc....but at the end of the day, he's just a friend that wears the mask of a boyfriend. I guess if you can accept that, go for it...there's nothing wrong with marrying a friend, but if you require fire, i wouldn't suggest you settle for anything less than butterflies (sex and the city quote)... Don't look for the one you can live with...look for the one you can't live without.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2006): Don't do it
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female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (19 September 2006):
 Well I think U R NERVOUSSSSSSSSSS about the weddin' he's nice and ok butterflies in your stomach are a teens' remembrance g'on darling it's ok anyway if it doesn't work u can divorc
bye
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All - it's Miss Indecisive here...
Thanks for all your replies. I guess what I was trying to say is that I DO love my boyfriend - I'm just not IN love with him...By saying this, I mean, I don't get the fluttering heart feeling when we kiss, that dreamy sensation that you get when you are IN love.
But I did think that maybe that dreamy feeling was something that wasn't long-lasting? In previous relationships, I have been totally consumed by love...but for one reason or the other, it didn't work out.
So, I was kinda assuming that if you have something good and stable, maybe that could work out more long-term??
Thanks again XX
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2006): Don't do it!!!
Seriously, that would be settling for second best. You want to marry someone that is extremely good to you, honest, faithful, kind and honourable BUT someone who you are also madly in love with.
If you do not, years down the line you will meet someone who you have that romantic spark with, and you will have a very, very painful decision to make.
You have a tough decision to make, but once you're married - and if you get feelings for someone else - the decision will be a whole lot worse.
Good luck with whatever happens, ok?
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A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (19 September 2006):
 My dear it would simply be folly to marry someone you dont love, because you will end up despising the person and its not fair to them. You cant just settle down with someone simply because they are good to you, it doesnt work like that. I would not even dream of marrying someone I dont love, no way, it would end up in tears. Take care. xXx
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