A
female
age
41-50,
*agsy81
writes:Hey to all,I am 26 and getting married next year (apparently)!My fiance is a very good man, he is two years older than me, a sober, clean living, intelligant, funny and caring person. He of course has his negatives, stubbon, petty, bit of a verbal bully a times and can be very dimisive of my feelings especially when he doesn't see why I should be upset. Now I feel like I only bring out the negatives in him.I am not especially physically attracted to him in fact it was his personailty that made me attracted to him. But he is always turned on by me physically. I feel trapped! I hate his moods which makes me moody, which makes me no way want to have sex with him, which makes me (as I a very sexual person) start looking at other people and thinking about a guy from my past (I have done nothing with this guy) but it is distruacting me from wanting to do anything to make this realtionship work.I have spent three years building a life with this man we share work, friends, money responsabilitys and have shared hope and dreams for the future but we can not seem to get over this. I am so confused I want o walk out and just end all the fighting and confusion!!Any help or advice, please !!!!
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female
reader, bagsy81 +, writes (6 August 2008):
bagsy81 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Of course I have faults I am human too but I can live with mine, it his that are causing me concern.
X
A
female
reader, T76 +, writes (5 August 2008):
I think the reason this is so difficult for you to work out is because he is like a Jekyll and Hyde character. I know exactly where you are coming from as I am trying to get myself out of a similar situation. We are tied together because of a house we need to sell.Its difficult as its my decision and I feel he thinks it will all calm down.
I have been with this guy for 12 years and we have a ten year old boy. He is controlling and a bully that throws his weight about to ensure arguement victories. It is very unpleasant living with someone who is so volatile and will go ballistic over the most ridiculous of things.
I dont know exactly how bad your fella is, but let me tell you if he is like mine you are going to end up knackered. When he is in a bad mood he will name call, bully even possibly turn violent like mine.He even takes it out on our son by shouting at him for miniscule things. Unfortunately he cant get over the resentment he feels for his childhood and try as I have I cannot change that or him. He will always be bitter and to be honest a coward because it is easier for him to take it out on me behind closed doors and keep his mr nice guy persona for everyone else than to face what is really the issue.
If you can imagine being with someone elde then I would say that is a sign that he is not for you. I discovered this a couple of years ago when I would dream of bbeing with a collegue who I had never even spoken too!! That spelled the end. Once I could see a future with someone other than him, is when I knew that one day I would get myself away from him. Please dont leave it til 12 years down the line like me. I was 20 when I met him and very naive, I am now 32 and the only good thing I can walk away with is my son.
You only get one chance at life live it to the max. Good luck luvvy. xx
I dont know if you recognise any of these traits in your own guy, but I am screaming for you to get out now before kids etc because it will be even harder to leave then.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Your post reads like a 40-something married woman who woke up one morning to regret going up the aisle twenty years previous. You seem tired of him already and marriage can be a rocky road even if everything seems ok when you are engaged. You don't seem very excited by this man and your list of positive traits for him reads like a psychology personality test for occupational recruitment rather than anything terribly emotional and enthusiastic/ romantic. I would say have a big think about where you are heading with this man. You may fear losing your comfortable life and shared interests/ friends but it takes courage to walk away and find happiness elsewhere - remember you are young. I have several friends who married Mr Safe and divorced him years later.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Sounds like a "roller coaster" kind of relationship. I am in a relationship that WAS similar to this. You get sick of feeling as though you have to "walk on eggs." Then you ask yourself THE question... "Can I live the rest of my life with him?" If you both don't fix this situation, what can the answer be?
There were lots of time that I wanted to walk out. I even packed my BF's bags for him a few times and told him to get OUT! He got pretty wide eyed, and I let him simmer in it, as I slept in another room.
A guy like your fiance' isn't this way with just you... but most likely in every "love" relationship he has ever had. And if you break up with him, he will be the same way with the next woman too. What I am saying is that it is not your fault that he is like this. His life experiences made him this way.
I fixed my BF. It took a lot of patience, endurance, and persistency. Do you have the energy to do this? Because it takes a Loooong time.
Is he worth it to you? If so, when he yells at you, say "You don't have to yell at me to get your point across, talk to me calmly." When he picks on you about petty things, say "Is this worth an arguement? Stop it." then walk out of the room. I have even said things like, " Stop talking to me like I am retarded, because I don't like it." OR " "I love you, but when you get like this, I don't like you. Stop it." OR "Stop being moody." And when he doesn't respect your feelings, you can say, " If we are going to make it, I need you to have more consideration for my feelings, I am... after all... the woman you love...right? Then TREAT me accordingly." Don't fall into his arguementive-moody mode with him. Take a psychiatrist attitude. ha ha. That is what I did. It worked for me. My boyfriend DID change after a while.
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A
female
reader, bagsy81 +, writes (5 August 2008):
bagsy81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply.
I am attracted to my partners mind and personality more so than he physicality. And as he has a crap attitude of late I struggeling to find the will to push through a sexless and argumentive relationship.
So why not just leave?? Cause their is good in him and us and when it good its great. But a the the moment I don't know where I a beatinga dead horse or hanging in there cause can work out.
XXX
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (5 August 2008):
 I really dont understand your post (perhaps its just me). You say he is kind wonderfull caring intelligant, and yet he verbally bullies you and you dont fancy him and do nothing but argue. Why do you also say you are apparantly getting married to him!! Dont you know?
It could be that he is recieving a lot of negativity from you and feels slightly be-wildered as to what you want from him. If you feel that confused, then obviously he is not the one for you. Maybe you can do better, or maybe he can, who knows?. I dont personally think you should marry a guy your not sure about though. Just my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Sweetie, you need to reconsider why you are getting married to this man.. you have nothing positive to say about your relationship with him... If you are feeling trapped and you are not even married yet, any idea what its going to be like after, say... 20 years of marriage?
Honeygirl
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