A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I made a rash decision to have a baby girl with a man whom I dont love, but he loves me very much. He is 10 years older than me, and at a point in life where he wants to start a family.I don't love him, but I want my daughter to have a family. I realize there are so many things in life that I want to do, like going back to school and fulfill my dreams and have a career I always wanted. Should I marry him and throw away my dreams? I know I dont love him, but I am happy to feel loved by someone. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): I think you are not looking at the big picture. Your decision affects more than the person in the mirror!!!. You don't sound to me like know what you want at all. You say "Its nice to be loved by someone". Is that why you slept with him? To feel loved? Makes me wonder if there are others you slept with, to feel loved....and probably the ones that walk away from you, they are the ones you feel such "strong emotion/love" for, because they aren't available..but thats not love. That is waning what you don't have and what you have is just BORING to you because it poses no challenge, no "what if"...its called STABILITY AND BENG BLESSED. That is an issue you need to resolve if you only get all weak in the knees because you think someone is hard to get. Self esteem comes from YOU, not how many guys flirt with you or "want" you.....or even from one guy. Possibly you don't actually know what real love is. It does NOT sound like you do.
s not being instantly sexually attracted, although thats always a nice bonus. Its NOT when you just have a good 'ol time and he's just so much FUN.........Thats easy, thats quick and over soon. Real LOVE is when the lust and passion ebbs away over a period of time, or overnight...when you go through the worst together and lean on each other, and realized you are blessed to HAVE this person to lean on...and you still treat each other well, or at least try to, no one is perfect and everyone everywhere has bad times........and care what the other person thinks of you.......if you respect their views and they would rather think the best of you than the worst, no matter what others say about you.......when they are happy just to see you laugh and happy to know they made you smile....when you COMMIT yourself to this person, no matter how cute and sexy the guy in the resteraunt is that keeps looking at you, because you know you have the real thing at home and this guy is one of many you could have fun with and be "young" with - for a short while, then what have you got?....sex is the most basic gratification.....but guess what? When you live with someone that REALLY loves you, you'd be surprised at how much being nurtured makes you want to return the favor - how much of a turn on it can be to know somone is going to be there for you, for your daughter, no matter how bad it gets. I wouldn't be surprised that if you have this person, you find that you do, after all "really" love him.
Love is defineately a decision to be committed and WANT to love someone. Possibly you "dont' love" this guy because you know he'll love you no matter what, he's not a challenge......its exciting to think there is someone that could be more exciting, fun, more of a challenge. How long will it last? I'm not saying don't marry someone you "dont' love" and be miserable. I just don't believe you know what love really is. This guy loves you, without you loving him.........that thought you were good enough to be the mother of his child.....It means ALOT to be respected enough that love results from it, and you may not be appreciating this because you are, well, you are immature...he may be the KEEPER that you lose - and by that he may wind up not wanting you or respecting you, with your indecisiveness and obvious uncertainty. He likely would provide you with the stability to be a good parent and the means to give your daughter a good life. Which you should have thought of before you got pregnant, but let me guess......you were only thinking of yourself - again. You know, the dreams and the giving up on your life and all that. And if he loves you like he says he does, he would probably encourage you to go to school and what ever you dream of.
At a certain point in our life....like when we have KIDS for instance......its just not all about YOU anymore. Maybe you should try being committed to something and someone and focus and the great qualities about this guy you've been having sex with and made a baby with. Because you might not find another like him. Your daughter matters too. It takes MUCH more work to get married and stay married, more responsibility and strength.........than the easy way out, which is to walk away and "follow you dreams". I have the feeling you've been floating along, without any direction, and now that you're going to have a baby girl you are panicing and thinking "I could'a, should'a, blah blah blah. If you are between 22 and 25 and haven't started school or finished by now, this is all pie in the sky and you'll never be happy anyway, no matter who you are with. The grass will ALWAYS look greener on the other side. Perhaps you may want to entertain the idea of being stable and responsible, for you DAUHGHTER and not listen to the other immature people on her that say "Think of yourself! You're the only one that matters!". Thats bull baloney. You choose your priorities, and you did that when you got pregnant. Anything less than what best for that baby will be turning your back on your decision. You choose to be happy. Period. Especially when you built the world you are in at the moment, with your own decisions. IF THIS GUY IS A GOOD, DECENT, STABLE MAN that thinks the world of you and wants the best for you and your child, you would be making a mistake to not look deeper and find something real to hold on to, instead of these excuses you are coming up with that make you look immature and unstable. This guy is likely the best thing thats happened to you, or I doubt you would have even considered having his BABY. Make lemonade honey, you made your choices.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): No, don't marry him if you don't love him. But do invite him to be a co-parent to your little girl.
Why not see if there's a Meet-up group in your area for single moms? Maybe you could find a mentor among them-- an older single mom who has put herself through school and raised her child at the same time. Someone who knows the ropes to becoming financially independent while raising her kids. I haven't done it myself, but I hear all around me of women who have, so it's not impossible. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Sweety Pie  +, writes (7 December 2009):
 If you have to ask, you shouldnt marry the guy..
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A
male
reader, Griffo  +, writes (7 December 2009):
 Yes, If you truly dont love him, then do not make yourself unhappy. Eventually it will catch up on you.
The things that make life worth living cannot be bought... They must be felt.
:)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): I think marrying a man you don't love now does not mean the marriage is doomed to failure. I look at my parents, my mother did not love my father when they got married but had to do so because she was pregnant with my sister. My father though has always loved her very much. They have been happily married for over 30 years now. When my father was in the hospital a few years back, I could see how much love there was between them. They are like best friends.
I believe that love can grow, as long as the man treats you right, can provide for you and you enjoy being with him (share common interest, values, mental connection etc) then there's no guarantee that feelings won't develop down the road. Even if you love someone now, there is no guarantee that the love will last.
But if you have to throw your dreams away, that's another story. How exactly will you have to throw your dreams away by marrying this man? I would imagine that achieving your dreams is easier with a man helping you out with your child and providing some financial support. Is it possible to discuss with him your dreams and see if there's a way to marry him AND achieve them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Ofcourse you should marry him.
Its time to grow up abit ok. Love was never all that romantic nonsense. True love is just being happy to be with someone even when you arnt doing anything at all.
A simple fact to back my argument up. In India and surrounding countries they have arranged marridge and the two only meet for a short while. While we meet and date and have sex and really spend time together. Their divorce rate is under 5%, ours is 47%. So if love is what they say it is then why doesnt it work??
Simply because it isnt true love its lust. Your going to get bored in bed with the same person, no matter who it is evn if you went weak at the knees when you met. And then what?
Why do you have to give up anything? With your husbands help you can still study and even get that career you wanted. If you leave now it will be a big mess and everyone will hate and blame you. As she gets older your daughter wont understand why you left daddy and will resent all these strange men that are always around.
Life isnt perfect and sadly no one can have everything. Yu seem to actually have it good. Dont blow it.
All the best
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (7 December 2009):
If you marry him then you will be using him for his parenting skills and love and money.
If you meet someone you really love then you will eventually leave and break his heart.
If you leave now you will also break his heart but at least you won't have lied to him for 5 years or so first.
Being a single mother and achieving your dreams is just as do-able as if you didn't have a kid, you've just made it 5 times harder for your self.
Basically you have got yourself in a MASSIVE mess here, and through your lies you are going to cause a lot of pain, BUT it's never too late to redeem yourself. Do it now and then you can start making up for what you've done.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 December 2009):
If you don't love him, don't be with him. If you do marry him, it won't be long before you find someone else, just because you want to love someone. Don't set yourself up for more hurt down the line. End it now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Don't marry him. It won't make you happy in the long run, and it's especially not fair to him to be married to someone that doesn't love him.
You say you want your daughter to have a family, but what happens when 2 or 3 years down the road Mr. Right shows up, and you end up divorced, and her family is broken up? Plus, him being in love with you without you returning those feelings is probably not going to last forever.
Go find someone else that you have feelings for.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2009): Of course you shouldn't marry him....you would not only cause him so much heart ache and pain, but you won't be happy, thus you are setting yourself up to be unfaithful to him in the long run. I don't think your age has anything to do with your choice....there are plenty of younger woman/older men couples out here. I think you need therapy of some sort to find out why in the world you chose to have a baby by a man you never loved. It's not like you had the baby and then BAM you discovered you didn't love you, you knew BEFORE you got pregnant by this man that you never, ever loved him so why did you do that? You should by this book by DR. LAURA SCHLESSINER called "10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives." You may have some deep seeded unresolved emotional issues. There is nothing wrong with him loving you....besides, isn't that what women claim they want anyways from the guy they are dating or in a committed relationship with? And then when that guy comes along, it strange how those same women who complained before, don't love or want to be with the guy. You should have been thinking about your future children or child BEFORE you decided to get preg. Every child deserves to have both their parents in the same household, BUT that is only if it will be a loving, caring and nutring household. You cannot raise your child in such an environment when clearly you don't love this man...and as time goes on, it will show and he will know and your daughter will too...you won't be able to pretend and sweep it under the rug forever. Once again, ask yourself why you dated, got into a relationship and had a baby by a guy you never loved. Seek therapy as soon as possible to make certain this doesn't happen ever again. Get you emotions and mental state in check please.
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A
female
reader, love0219 +, writes (7 December 2009):
I think by you just marrying a man you do not love, you will be setting yourself up to fail. I don't mean to sound rude but in the end you will be unhappy. Just because a man loves you does not mean you should marry the man. You need to do what's best for you. It is nice of you to put your daughter first and that's a mother should always do, but at the same time you should not just marry a man just to have a family for your daughter. If you do not love the man, and you start to become unhappy, your daughter is going to see that. Live your dreams girlie. You only have one life to live.
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