A
male
age
41-50,
*hrisk_79
writes:Hi everyone,Been in a relationship with a woman now for about 10 months. Everything up until now has been pretty fantastic in the relationship. We both seem to give each other all the love we need. For me personally, i feel she constantly meets my needs by telling me how much i love her and always lets me know how much she loves me. In terms of compatibility, everything is fantastic, the way we converse, our level of intelligence, the way we make love, the fact that we do everything together etc etc. Couldnt be more picture perfect. I am getting to a point now where i want to propose to this girl and spend my life with her, but i am hesitant about a number of things, which i am hoping you guys can assist with me with:1) She has lied to me about many things in the past. Tiny little white lies, but nevertheless lies. Sometimes about where she is and what she is doing.Once on a business trip she went out to dinner with an older male friend of hers, she sms'd and phoned once or twice in the evening. Then she told me what time she would be home, so i could just phone to say good night and see if she got home safe. I phoned and spoke to her, she said she was going to bed an said good night and then put the phone down, except she didnt put the phone down. In the background i hear a guy talking, and they carry on talking. I phoned back and asked her who was there, because she said she was going to sleep? She said no one was there and that i was imagining it, it was the tv. Anyhow i trusted my gut, i knew i wasnt crazy. I actually cancelled my business trip and came back, but she kept up the same story. Eventually 3 months later, i said to her "i know you lied that night, why dont you just come out with the truth" she confessed that she lied that night because she was afraid of how i would react, but she doesnt know why she really lied?2) She has a problem with alcohol. If she was one drink, it turns into 3, then 10. Everytime it happens she turns into an incredibly avaricious and nasty sort - and she knows it, she has done it at least 5 times to me. Everytime she wakes up, she feels so embarrased and apologizes and tells me how sorry she is. I gave her an ultimatum a few weeks and said, you either quite drinking or i leave, because i am not going to take the abuse. she promised she would stop. A week ago, the same thing happened, she went out drinking and boozing with her girlfriend, when i phoned up, she told me she was at home working, but i could tell by the slurring that she wasnt because i could hear noises in the background. Again she tried to keep up the lie, even though i told her on the phone that she was lieing. But 10 minutes later, she phoned back and said she didnt want to lie and that i had caught her out. She didnt want to tell the truth because she was afraid i would leave her because of the drinking. Again we had a long chat and she said she wanted to get help with her drinking, as she wanted me in her life always and hated the drinking which she 'cant control'.We are a fantastic couple, but when she drinks, everything falls apart for both of us. Its so sad.3) Finally, i saw an sms from a guy on her phone. A guys name i dont recognize, then again i dont know many of her guy friends after 10 months. Anyhow the sms said she could come visit at some stage again and it was great seeing her (i didnt even know she had seen this guy by the way, it was never mentioned and probably happened when she went to visit her family for a night or two). The sms ended with, 'itll be really nice to see you again, and next time you can show me your red dress'. Am i an idiot to interpret this in any other way or just ignore it??Other than that, the relationship is perfect. I really dont want to confront her on point 3), because that is just downright snooping. But the above points bother me and i wonder if i can marry her, after all of this?I never lie to her, she always knows where i am and there is no hint of uncertainty. I spoil her like a princess, take her on lavish holidays, make sure she is looked after constantly in sickness or in moods or in happiness. Honestly i would die for this girl and i treat her like gold. But all this lieing is a problem for me. My mom once said, if someone can lie to you about something small, they can then lie to you about something big.Any suggestions? Please as much detail as possible!Thank you very much Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (7 September 2009):
If you have doubts and hesitations about marrying her, then you should wait before proposing and resolve those issues first.
To my mind, her drinking is the most serious issue that you mention. The good news is that she has admitted it is a problem and wants to get help with it so hopefully it can be rectified. You can help her by supporting her with that, and helping her to get that help.
The "business trip lie" doesn't sound that serious to me - if anything was going on I doubt she'd have arranged for you to phone her in the middle of it!
Everyone lies to some extent, and there is a difference between doing so maliciously and white lies that we tell with the best of intentions. That doesn't mean white lies are always the right thing to say, however.
The text is interesting, not so much because of what it says about her but what it says about you. Snooping is a big problem in a relationship, and never ends well.
When someone does it, it is driven by their mistrust and insecurity, and the brain begins playing tricks on them. Sooner or later they find something that seems to confirm what they were looking for, but in reality their insecurity is adding a whole new meaning to it.
The background level of mistrust in the relationship is something you both need to address, and you need to work out if it is driven by her behaviour or insecurity on your part.
Hopefully you can work these issues out, and when you do you will know it's the right time to propose.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): Ive always heard that people never change... So if shes an alcholoic/lier.. chances are she proberly wont change... :SI wouldnt propose to her for a while tbh, she doesnt sound to commited in regards to alchol/lieing/the guy//
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