A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid:I met a girl two and a half years ago at my church. At the time she was 18 and I was 27 and we were both virgins. At first she was shy, but then she got my phone number from a mutual friend and started calling me on a regular basis (I would rarely call her). I was flattered by the attention and enjoyed making her laugh, so I went with the flow of things. Soon she started asking me to give her rides home from college. Long story short, we ended up having a sexual relationship. I now wonder if I should marry her. Her personality is very strong. She would make me feel guilty if I didn’t tell her I loved her, so I would to keep her happy. She also said that if I didn’t marry her she’d be ashamed about not being a virgin for her future husband. We both have morally conservative beliefs and feel guilt and shame about not being virgins anymore. I think these feelings would subside if we married each other I know she loves me deeply. She kept saying we should get married and I would always make excuses as to why we should wait. This would cause us to break up, but then I’d miss her and cry a lot. I would also think about how much I hurt her and this would cause me great anguish to the point of headaches. She would write me these heartbreaking good-bye notes in which she’d speak of how she wanted to stop loving me and forget me. Once she wrote me saying I’d always be her baby, even if I left her. I still cry every time I think about that note. Then we’d get back together, but in a few days I’d start to feel the expectation of marriage and sabotage the relationship so we would break up again. Yet I still break down crying every time I think of our times together. I can’t make up my mind. I think her pressure soured the whole process and that I would have married her all along if she had just given me space and if we hadn’t gotten so physical. I miss talking to her, kissing her, and all of the little things that make her special. But then I wonder if I’d be happy and faithful to her because although she’s attractive she’s physically not the kind of woman I’ve always wanted to marry. And her strong personality is a bit overbearing sometimes. I can’t concentrate fully on what I do at home and am always forgetting things and feeling frustrated and depressed. 1. Is what draws me back to her love, guilt, or both?2. Why am I always crying and missing her?2. Should I marry her?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2007): I've been with her almost 4 years I love her with all me heart I'm almost 23 and I've cheated 7 times on her. I never had any history of it until college. I want her in my life I thought I wanted something else but since the last time I cheated I realised she is the one for me and I won't find better. She doesn't believe me and questions big time if she should work it out with me. But how do I know she is the one I can spend the rest of my life with. Its ok if I want her to be but really am not sure?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2007): Ok, here's the situation. She gave me an ultumatum. I have two weeks to decide if I'm going to marry her. Otherwise she's moving on and won't see or speak to me anymore. I'm 99% sure that I'll lose her forever if I say no. Honestly, my biggest fear is that I'll be unhappy because she's physically not the kind of girl I expected to marry. I mean to say that she's short and petite, and I always wanted to marry a full-bodied (read curvy), taller woman. I just see myself looking at curvier women and thinking I kind of missed soemthing. To any woman reading this, please don't be offended. I'm just being honest and would like some help. Also, her first language is Spanish (although she speaks decent English) and she's focused on Spanish culture. My first language is English (although I speak very good Spanish, too) and I'm focused on English culture. We don't like each other's music and don't "get" each other sometimes cause of the different cultures.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): Heck no! Don't let this girl make you feel guilty. She made the decision as much or more as you did to have sex. It sounds like she is the one after you, and probably was her goal to get you to have sex with her so you'd marry her. I am about to get married 1 week form today. I've known this guy for 7 yrs. he never makes me feel bad or hurt or guilty. That's not the reason you should choose to get married. If you were ready, you'd know it. There would be no question. And God will forgive you for having sex as I am sure you know. Chalk it up to experience & don't fall into her trap.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (8 September 2007):
1. Probably both.2. Because you do love her.3. Probably not...at least not yet. Let me paint the picture for you. Two people getting married simply because they feel guilty for not being virgins. Just as sex doesn't make a complete relationship, the by-product of guilt doesn't either. Look at it this way: Forget about the guilt, forget about being virgins when you met. How is everything else. You know she loves you deeply. You obviously do love her. But that doesn't always mean you're compatible. What do you see happening in the long run? Will you stay in love with her? Or will you begin fighting over stupid things and learn to resent each other? Do you fight over stupid things now? You said she has a strong personality, does it ever anger you or make you feel bad or hurt? She makes you feel guilty, but does she do it intentionally? Basically, pull out the "Guilty non-virgin" aspect and make your judgment accordingly. But I'd still wait before officially proposing. Don't propose until you are sure and have been sure for at least a few months, or a year really.
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