A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A sad old story realy. I have been dating this guy for 2 years. He was just getting over another relationship at the time. We were incredibly attracted to each other and started up a very intense relationship. ,He has a lot of emotional problems and went for therapy, because of problems in his childhood. These problems seem to be in the way of him forming healthy lasting attachments. I have been incredibly supportive and understanding and given him his space to grow and work things out even though he was always very inconsistent with me. Part of the problem was that he never really got over his ex. For 6 months he told me that he is torn and can't seem to choose between us. Again I gave him space to make decisions and assured him that I will be there for him no matter what. His ex gave him an ultimatum and said that she would like to marry her new guy, if he doesn't leave me and go back with her! He freaked out and left me (told me he now feels like he has a sense of direction in his life..)! So much for giving him space... Now I feel awfull and wish that I rather played games, pretended that I would leave him as well. Things might have worked out differently then. It seems like my availibility counted against me! I just felt that it was the more mature thing to do and don't believe in games. I feel rejected and wonder if he ever really loved me? I know you can't answer that one and strangely enough, I don't know if he understands his own feelings very well. He is now on holiday with her and no matter how hard I try, I feel tossed aside, not good enough, damaged self esteem and yes even jealous deep down inside. It is hard to imagine them all loved up together and I am here on my own, being second best. It is the worst feeling to describe. Totally flat and empty, with no feeling of relief in the future. Can anyone think of anything to say that would help me, or have been in this situation before? I tried very hard to keep my pride, but the tears just came streaming when I saw him and he told me. He had this cold sympathy for me, but it didn't even look like he was sad about losing me... How do I recover from this?
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female
reader, misscandy  +, writes (15 September 2007):
Hey I have been in a similar situation and I totally understand how you must be feeling about being the second best. If he has left you for his ex and has gone on a holiday with her, no doubt they are being intimate. But most importantly, he doesn't seem to care about you and treats you as an availibitly. He is still hung up about his ex and most likely they are together, if they are on holiday together. Please be strong and get rid off him. If he comes back to you, tell him exactly how you felt and move on. He wouldn't have gone on holiday with his ex if he was in love with you.
I know it will be difficult to move on but if you stay in this mess, you will be hurt over and over again. Find someone who deserves your love..
Take care and be strong..Good luck:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): I am so sorry. Well emotionally you have been through a lot and it is so sad that you have to deal with this. I can feel your pain and I have been in your shoes.
I don't really know why he was with you. And you did the right thing to not "play games" with him. And it is sweet of you that you loved him so much as to be so understanding of his issues. But sometimes you can't confuse "playing games" with having pride and respecting yourself. I had only read your second paragraph and asked myself, "why does she think that his "emotional issues" is any excuse for him not to be available and good to you?" I have emotional issues and it has never stopped me from being loving and faithful and true to someone I deeply care about.
Those were all just excuses. The fact is that he was inlove with somebody else. And having respect for yourself and not settling for excuses and expecting prime treatment from somebody that you love is NOT playing games. It just means that you have respect and love for yourself and you feel that you are great and deserve the best. There are NO games in that. And if you had felt that way, you would not have tolerated his emotional excuses as to why he acts the way he does. You would have known it was just an excuse. Because when somebody really loves you, there are no excuses. They just love you.
The fact that you feel that you should be so available for someone who is not treating you so good and is potentially still dwelling on another girl is troubling. To recover from this you have to realise that you are TOO nice. And sometimes being too nice works against you and can even come across as unloving. Because nobody is "too nice." Men expect women to have limits and have self respect and call them out and not tolerate their BS. Guys love girls who LOVE themselves. There is no better love to a guy than that. But when you are too nice, it just shows the guy that you don't really love yourself or have self respect so he wonders how could you REALLY love him? In fact being "too nice" is almost as bad as "playing games." Believe me!
This is just a lesson that you have to learn. And you have got to stop being too nice. This guy is a jerk and he kind of just used you. Was that nice? No. Please just beef up your ego a bit and start being a little tougher. Don't think about the "good" times. What good times? That you were a crying shoulder for him while he was weeping over his ex?? C'mon! You deserve WAY better. And if you want to be treated better, you have to believe that you deserve better. And that should not be hard to do because you ARE way better than all of this!
I think you are going to get through this just fine. And I think you are going to be a much tougher woman because of it. Wait till the anger settles in and you are going to have many realisations about yourself and about how much better you could have handled it. And you will realise that you should ALWAYS put yourself first. From now on, let the guys do the work, the waiting, the crying, whatever, just all of the dirty stuff. It's not worth it for you to do. NEVER.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (8 September 2007):
 Hi
Its shite isnt it. Been there and done it. I was with someone not quite as long as you, but he had only just split with someone. It was a rollercoaster time, there was 3 of us in the relationship. I got out in the end and yes, he jumped straight back in her bed. She then thought she could carry on where they left off. Told him that she had him before me, like he was a piece of meat! and naturally things didnt work out!
And ive now got him saying i was right about her and how much he loves me. No thanks. Thats ancient history to me, i can do better. And will.
You do feel like a bit of a convenience and nothing anyone on here can say that will change that but just bear in mind, unless they address what went wrong before, they wont be happy. Small comfort i know! But you did the right thing not playing the games she played. You have more self respect than that deep down and she hasnt won anything, but heart ache at some time in the future.
Do what i do now and stand by your guns that you wont ever give someone the time of day thats just split from someone! Too many more fish in the sea that are ready for someone and not using us as a rebound relationship.
Stay strong and you will get through this, wiser and more ready for someone brilliant, even more brilliant than him!
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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