A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Wow, so I don't really know where to start. This may be longer than I expect, so I apologise in advance. I started dating this guy not long ago, he is older than me, which is fine, age to me has never been a barrier. But is it not strange how things can change suddenly.When I told him I liked him he warned me that he had been a bad boy in the past and had some very bad habits (drugs, robbery, drinking, gambling etc...) and I being a rather laid back woman, accepted them since he did say it happened in the past. I accept that.But in the two weeks we have been dating (though we knew each other for three years) he seems to have reverted back to his bad boy ways. Since his mother died three weeks ago, it seemed she was his anchor, keeping him out of the way of temptation.I left him alone all weekend because he was busy moving his mothers belongings. It killed me to stay away because the first week I told him I liked him and fancied him rotten, we were together all week. But he was busy so I let it be, besides we had already spent a nice night together in bed although nothing happened.Anyway I was so glad to see him Monday night and we were shifting a few things in his flat, watching TV and just chilling. His mate called round again but he got rid of him pretty sharpish saying he wasn't overstaying his welcome, which of course, made me smile cos that day he had told me over the phone he loved me and I thought it would mean we could spend all night together... But of course, he did have to drink that night and when ten o'clock came along he asked if I would give him a lift into a house in town. Jokingly I asked him what he was up to, since I had expected us to spend more time with each other, but he only gave a mysterious smile and didn't answer. I grudgingly took him and when I parked up outside I told him to have a nice time. Since he had taken a bottle of wine and a CD I decided it must be a party of some kind, and no I am not stupid enough to not realise it would involve drugs of some kind. Anyway his reply was that he wouldn't which further confirmed to me it was about the drugs once more. I didn't really feel it was my place to say anything to him and it would have been pointless anyway since he was a little tipsy.So I got home and acted all happy in front of my parents who don't approve of the age gap. I suppose I am telling you all this because I want advice from someone who does not really know me. All my friends were telling me to give him an ultimatum. Either the drugs or me. I guess I am scared he will say he has chosen the drugs. But I thought I should sleep on it, so I did and actually woke up feeling less hurt than I did when I went to bed. In fact all day I have been thinking that I really don't need so much mess in my life. I have to admit I have fallen hard for him. His past really does not bother me, but the present does.I know I cannot change his ways, he has to want to change. But I am reluctant to dump him just yet. He is still grieving for his mum, has suffered from depression in the past, and now of course is turning back to drugs. Other than this lot, he is so nice when he is sober. And though sometimes moody it is never directed at me. But also that could change couldn't it?So in this ultimatum, what can I say? I am stumped myself. My friends tell me to do it, and do it soon. So I would really appreciate some advice from you brilliant agony aunts.Thank you for readingxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): you chose your own fate there hun, he warned you of his habit's now its your choice to walk away from him or stay and accept his habit's. you could chat with him about as the habit's may have returned as a result of trying to fade the reality of his mothers passing and may just need somebody instead of something.
A
female
reader, leylaness +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Sweetie it’s completely wrong to be asking him to choose between you or the drugs. If he chooses you he won’t be giving up drugs for the right reasons and he will relapse or it will just make it worse. He is not in the right place for a relationship right now. I guess you want to help him with his drugs and support him but this is just killing him with kindness. You need to tell him straight that you will not be with him or talk to him while he is on drugs and that you won’t stand for it.Give him time to sort his life out first or your relationship with him will be a dead end with both parties getting hurt. Doesn’t brake contact with him but let him know that until he’s clean and on the right path you only are a friend to him and nothing moreI hope this has helped you out Good luck
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A
female
reader, iicandyxoxo  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Hmm.i don't know where to start Lol.Well.. Maybe talk to him about it?.If he doesn't except the fact that you don't want him doing drugs, and maybe help him Get out of it like send him to rehab, maybe some counseling, and after you try all the best you can, then maybe tell him if he doesn't stop then it is over between you guys. Because you don't want to see him go down that road.I could understand why he does it because his mom just died, and I am sorry to hear :[. It broke my heart hearing it. But anyways... It is not an excuse and maybe tell him to get over it other ways because drugs just kill you.It doesn't really help your pain only fer a bit. So if he doesn't quite after you try all your best then maybe end it between you to?.I hope it works, and I hope you take my advice... xxx
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