A
male
age
36-40,
*uest2308
writes:This could probably be a little long since the situation I got myself into is kind of complicated but I’ll try my best to explain and I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply.I am 26 and bisexual. I have had relationships with men and women, however have never been in love with one of the men until I met this one guy. (We met in college)So he is 6 years older than me and married.(Since 2006) Three years ago he hit on me and asked me if I cared to have sex. ( Later he confessed he had already been attracted to me before he got married and tried to fight it at first)I was a little surprised but also intrigued by the strangely interesting situation. After all it was nothing but a purely physical thing and a one night stand but then it somehow became a secret relationship. Only about sex at first but then it got more and more serious until I fell in love with him.When it was purely sexual I never had to deal with my bad conscious it was only when I started falling in love I felt like I was stealing from his wife and started to feel really guilty.Eventually this feeling of guilt and the fact that I could not deal with only being the lover anymore made me take the decision to end things. And also the fact that I noticed he started to fall for me too. Back then it was already hard to go through with it and I thought that if I wait till things get worse I might never find the heart to leave him. He was truly upset to see me leave but I knew him well enough to judge he could never leave his wife. I also never really thought I would want him to but that was before I knew how it felt to live without him and how I would still miss him after even a whole year of being separated. I went to work abroad for a year and so that was easy but I came back 2 months ago and the minute I met him my feelings were so strong again I could hardly control it. All I wanted to do was be with him and not only for sex but just have him near me.Recently (about 2 months ago) I met this girl that I really like. She’s nice and we do have a real good time together but ironically it’s this getting into a new relationship that makes me realize how much I still think of him and how deep my feelings still are. I really do WANT things to work with her. I really do but that does not seem to be enough.I know it might sound odd but somehow I can’t bring myself to take things to the next level with this girl because I feel I would be cheating on him.What complicates things as well is that during the last few weeks we did sleep together again and even more than before I felt that he was making love to me and not only f*ing me like it used to be at the beginning of our relationship. The sex was breathtaking like it had always been but it was not just about that. We also spend a lot of time together as friends and I enjoy that part just as much.From how he acted I could definitely tell that his feelings for me have not lessened but rather have become stronger. Last time we were together he also said a few strange things that made me think he has lately considered leaving his wife but it looked like he was trying to find out what my feelings for him are now.My question is now should I just try to avoid him from now on and get the relationship with the girl started even though I would be longing for him all the time, hoping that one day those feelings WILL eventually fade. Or should I tell him how I feel and encourage him to leave his wife at the risk of him might regretting this later on? Or at the risk of being wrong with my assumptions. According to reason it just feel like I should be with the girl and let him be with his wife but my heart keeps screaming no. I don’t want to regret my next step and I honestly have no idea what would be the right thing to do in this case. So I am thankful for any kind of advice.
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reader, guest2308 +, writes (25 August 2010):
guest2308 is verified as being by the original poster of the question To Cerberus/Raphael
Hi thanks for your advice it was very helpful and I wanted to send you a PM to ask a few other questions but it did not work.
If you wouldn't mind helping me out of this a little further I would be very happy if you could just contact me by mail.
Thanks in advance and take care.
A
male
reader, guest2308 +, writes (23 August 2010):
guest2308 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone who took the time to help.
I was very glad to read what you said and it indeed helped me to see the situation from different and new angles.
For now I guess I will take a lot of time to think about everything and also try to find an answer to some questions that you rose.
I will also try to find the courage to openly talk to the guy since after all I have nothing to lose. And you are right cerberus raphael it's always bad to act on assumptions especially if our heart can betray us.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Sounds like one way or another, you'd regret either choice. You're thinking of this girl but you're also thinking of this guy.
Reason says you should leave the guy, your heart says you should stay with him. Something is wrong here, something is clouding your judgment and I think it is ironically your feelings for him. You have to be VERY careful when analyzing signals and emotions. I thought it dangerous when you said "From how he acted I could definitely tell that his feelings for me have not lessened but rather have become stronger". Your heart will see what it WANTS to see, don't assume that his feelings for you have become stronger.
Be careful when categorizing your heartfelt feelings for him, it could be love or it could be a limerence. Both are difficult to get rid of and both feel as though their grasp is impossibly strong.
Leave the man. Definitely, he is married, he has a commitment. This is not reason, I believe your heart is ALSO telling you that what you have with this man is wrong.
You have a choice with the girl. You can tell her about the affair and see what happens, see whether or not she still wants to be with you. OR you can not tell her and keep going with the relationship. The last choice is to leave both and start with someone new.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): hey,
im afraid i would have to say this is a kind of lose-lose situation.
im not a fan of ultimatums but i dont know if theres much point playing the "lets just be friends" card because i dont think either of you could do that. i think if your feelings for him are that strong you should just say to him, i cant deal with this anymore and i dont want to feel like your bit on the side so indeed choose between me or your wife.
like you, i dont see him leaving his wife. he has a lot to lose.
i would suggest that you throw yourself into work, this new girl, whatever you can to keep yourself occupied. try to break things off slowly with him because seeing, talking etc just makes it all the more harder.
good luck. x
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A
female
reader, Georgiee +, writes (23 August 2010):
 Wow your life is complicated :O
Okay so does his wife know he's bisexual or gay?
Because if she doesn't I suggest that maybe you back away because in order to get married people fall in love and obviously his wife is in love with him. If he is as good a man as you say he is then he wouldn't be sleeping with you in the first place. No offence but I think that he is kinda selfish and he shouldn't be trailing you along because you have your own life to lead. This girlfriend of yours needs to know about your feelings for this man and I think it's not fair to be trailing her along either. If you want things to work with this girl I think you should go and talk with this guy about your feelings and how you don't want anyone to be hurt by this, just for closure.
I honestly didn't mean for any of this to sound harsh I am genuinely sorry if it did. But I hope it turns out well :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): Its sounds really messing but it needed be.
Sometimes we want what we cant have.I think the love you have for this guy is strong but misplaced if he felt the same about you there wouldnt be any contest he would of left his wife a long time ago.you are placing him higher than he should be and yourself lower than you should the reality is you are the bit on side.
He will probably never ever leave his wife and you shouldnt waste your time waiting for him. On the other hand the girl you just met seems to be a distraction and since you have already cheated on her.I think it is fair to end end it because if you are honest you are not as in to her as you are the guy.
you should stay away remove the rose tinted spectcles and think of all the crappy and annoying things about him. leave the girl alone sort out your head and then meet someone xx
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