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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my b/f for 2 years. I love him but he isnt the best at expressing himself..he will say i love you but i had to tell him i need to hear it more often. He doesnt compliment me..BUT his actions are pretty good.The thing is i dont know if i am too sensitive or not. He jokes around a lot by calling me old and other things..He is older than me by about 8 years..He mostly just innocently picks on me it seems. So i will say it right back to him and he will say something like oh its different for a guy..A guy at 30 is not considered old while a girl at 30 can be by most people. I'm not 30--i'm 23. Or he will say oh you are past your prime, models retire at 21 or something like that. I know he is only joking and this is just one example BUT i do hear these things often or comments such as this that can be considered innocent bickering or picking at one another. BUT i think i do get mad at it at times and i also think it is starting to make me feel bad about myself(which i just recently told him) I dont know if that was a smart thing to do..to tell him those comments sometimes wear me down it seems...I guess i am wondering would anyone else feel the same or do i need to lighten up a little? I honestly dont know if i am getting mad too easily
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): Keep telling him every time he says them that they do bother you. Ask him to back off the silly words and get something better in his head. I know how you feel , the jokey bits start to wear thin after a while. You are young so don't listen to his remarks about being old and past your prime. God, i wish i was 23! Tell the old fart to get a life and find something else better to joke about.
Take care
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey its me who posted the question,i get those comments as well..that i am young..so i get comments about me being old but then i also get comments about being young like if something was said on tv about needing to be 21 to do this..he would say something like you have only been that age for 5 minutes or something along those lines..so i get various comments
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female
reader, stina  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Hey Anonymous,
I don't think you're being too sensitive...because your guy is saying it all the time and he knows that it makes you feel angry and bad. I think it's a very good move on your part that you told him that his comments are starting to make you feel bad about yourself. Why don't you think that was a smart thing to do? Did he react by getting defensive or something? If he did, then I'm wondering if you said this while you were angry? Because if you were yelling at him when you told him, then I can see him trying to "defend" what he did.
Have you tried to talk to him during a time when the both of you weren't emotional over anything? I mean, have you tried to bring it up to him at a time that he didn't say one of these comments? This way you would have a free mind and it might be easier for the both of you to talk things through. I think he'd be more responsive if it were done this way because there'd be no reason to get angry if you were just voicing your opinion and confiding your feelings to him, like couples *should* do.
But if you did tell him that you didn't like his comments because they hurt your feelings and he reacted negatively when you weren't being confrontational, then that's different. That shouldn't really happen. If he is a caring boyfriend at all, then he should be able to stop doing things that hurt your feelings (I mean in this sort of sense -- it's not like you're telling him he can't go out or talk to his friends or anything). Perhaps if you expand on why these things hurt your feelings he might understand. Because seriously, if someone is told that they're "past their prime," "old," or whatever else, then that person will start to believe it. That's what happens in abusive relationships... You want to make sure that he respects you because you don't want him to eventually take control of the relationship and disregard your feelings altogether. I'm not saying that would definitly happen, just saying it to sort of, I don't know, "caution" you, I guess.
But, yes, the bottom line is that this problem revolves around respect. In order to have a happy relationship you two need to respect one another - he needs to hear your feelings out and not brush them to the side. Make sure your voice is heard. Make sure he understands why you're feeling bad. If he's any sort of decent guy, he will stop.
Take care.
(PS - I used to have a boyfriend who did the exact opposite. He was 23 and I was 17. I used to want to watch horror movies and do stuff and he would say "No, you're too young" and would get the biggest kick out of it. I guess that's one of the reasons why it ended. He couldn't take my feelings seriously...)
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reader, dragonette  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 My boyfriend is exactly the same, but he doesn't get on my nerves so much about my age as about other things (like how I always do things according to the rules and procedures). So yes, I can understand you.
Do you need to lighten up? Well, yes and no. You need to lighten up a bit because your boyfriend doesn't really mean to hurt you, but on the other hand he needs to know that sometimes these comments aren't welcome. You already told him that they wear you down, and that's good. You might need to tell him again if it bothers you.
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