A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:How do you know when to be worried?My boyfriend of 2 years recently started "mentoring" a young, single college woman. At first I wasn't too concerned. He said he met her a conference he spoke at a few months ago, in a neighboring city where she was attending school. She started coming to his office once a week to learn about his field of work. I assumed other people in the office would be "showing her the ropes" as well, but it appears that my b/f is the only person she reports to. During her weekly visits, he takes her out in the field, just the two of them, then they come into town, have lunch together. But then later he mentioned that she was coming down a couple of times a week, pretty soon it was a few times a week, and then later he said she had dropped out of school altogether. She now accompanies him to meetings and out-of-town ventures that he used to ask me to attend with him. On the days that he's "working" with her, I never get any little "hello" e-mails from him, and he keeps his phone off. I've never met the woman, although it would be nice if he'd invite me to lunch so I could meet her (he and I used to have lunch frequently during the week) but every time I bring up the subject of this woman, hoping to calm my fears, my b/f gets defensive. It's not in my nature to be the jealous girlfriend, but I'm starting to wonder if I should be concerned. My b/f is working longer hours than he used to. He isn't taking me with him on trips as often, and I know he's not going on them alone either. I want to trust him, but I also don't want to be so dumb that I can't see what's going on right under my nose. I really don't know what to do but it's making me increasingly uncomfortable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): Yes, you should be worried.
Don't put up with this kind of treatment. You sound like a good, faithful girlfriend and you wouldn't do this to him. It's unfortunately not too uncommon a situation. Get out, this guy's a jerk.
E.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): Hate to point out the obvious but he is having an affair and not really even trying to hide it. People see what they want to see.If she dropped out of school then what is up with the 'mentoring' thing? He takes her on out of town ventures? He ignores you? He is defensive? He is 'working' more? He does not care that this bothers you? You know in your heart that he is having an affair.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (13 February 2007):
Ask him if you can both meet for lunch one day. Ask to meet her and say it would be nice to meet his ''apprentice'' , or however you want to put it. Ask him if you can go with him on the business trips. Just keep asking, if he doesnt let you then you know something is going on. After a while of being neglected and rejected by him, your going to have to ask him. You have GOT to ask him if you can go on the trips and meet for lunch, you never know...he might for some reason think your not interested in doing these things anymore. So let him know (nicely) that you are, and want to come along more. If he doesnt let you then he is obviously guilty. Dont let him treat you like this, and dont let this girl laugh at you like she is doing. They are making a fool out of you.
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A
female
reader, NuttyGooner +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Hello Anon, If things have changed this much, I would be worried too! How I see if your bf isn't playing away, he should see that he should leave his responsibilities at work - unless he doesn't see her as a work responsibility. How comes she is still at this "college placement" now she is no longer at college? If she has been taken on permanently, surely she is capable enough of doing the job without his "mentoring"? or am I missing out on something? I agree with Jovial, tell him that you think he is taking this way too seriously and speak out! I also feel that him being so defensive might be his way of covering his infidelities so that you will feel guilty of not trusting him - why should he always be on the defensive? Why is he not reassuring you and trying to fight to make things better?Tell him you're not happy playing second fiddle to his protege and you need time with him too! If he tells you that how things are, then I would seriously question his motives.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Dear anon
i think you have every reason to worry, you are a woman who is just running out of patience because things have certainly taken a different shape since this girl came into your lives. the way i see if your bf is innocent in all this i would say he is unable to seperate his mentorship responsibilities and his life as the man in your life, and this behaviour is purely unacceptable what he does at work is not suppose to affect his personal life, which leaves me to believe that he is giving her so much attention that he forgets there is still you waiting for him.
calmly tell him that you think he is taking his mentoring way too seriously and forgeting his relationship and this is makes you feel like you dont have a part in his life anymore, if he is becoming defensive just be firm with him until he gives u the attention you need and tell him that you are not gonna sit around and allow him ruin your confidence in your relationship. because the defense part might be his way of covering his infidelities so that you will feel guilty of not trusting him, if you are a priority to him he will listen to you and try to fight for this relationship. you dont have to feel like an after thought after spending time with his young protégé.
jovial
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