A
female
age
41-50,
*skingCupid
writes:Dear CupidWhat should I do? I have been dating a man for one year. When we met he told me he was married but separated from his wife. I met him on an online dating site. He said he had 'stuff' to sort out but he still wanted to see me. He told me he thought I was really lovely. He had me at 'hello'. Since then we see each other once or twice a week, but he calls every night to chat. We only have sex every other date pretty much.He says I can't meet his family/friends just yet or go to his house because he doens't want to upset anyone and that they might think it is too soon for him to be with someone new. He also believes his ex wife is vindictive and would make life hard for him and go for as much of the property as possible. He has met some of my family but not even my parents. He told me at the start he wasn't ready for a rock solid relationship but that he wanted to keep seeing me. I told him that I wanted love and a real relationship and he then told me that because he cared about me so much he thought he shouldn't see me anymore and that I should get on with my life without him. He said he was going away to sort out his stuff (which I suspect he hasn't really properly separated, even though they might not be living together) and then call me to start afresh. He called me 2 months later saying he thought about me every day and that he really, really wanted to at least be friends. So I agreed to meet with him and the passion and feeling was still there, and we have been dating again for another 6 weeks. However, I saw his profile online and pretended to be a very attractive woman. He responded to my kiss (online) that he was interested! I approached him about it and he removed the profile immediately, saying he never really used it, only if someone winked him and even then he didn't really bother looking them up usually.I ended it myself and said I couldn't see him if he wasn't prepared to put me somewhere above 'inbetween friend and wife' and out of the grey land, and to introduce me to his parents etc. He said he wasn't ready to do that just yet but that of course he would be soon, he just had a few more things to settle.I am recently divorced with a 3 year old daughter, and he spends a lot of time with the two of us as well. He is a pleasure to be around, and I have never felt this way about a man before. He is everything I have ever wanted. He calls me every night and we talk for an hour or two. He also says that he always had trouble encouraging his ex wife to have more regular sex with him.When I told him I couldn't see him he became very emotional and told me that I mustn't realise how much he cares for me, and that he is sorry for everything and that he just wanted to make sure I knew how very special I am to him.I felt so empty and horrible the day after than i called him and said I had made a huge mistake - I wanted to see him, and if he still wanted to see me then that would be great.He then said that maybe I was getting a little too analytical about everything maybe some people are more carefree than others (or something like that). The pain of leaving this man is too hard to bear, but I fear that (despite him telling me fervently it is not the case) maybe he still has feelings for his wife. Any advice?
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): This man is "all you ever wanted"? Who doesn't dream of finally meeting a married man who lies and cheats? He is quite a catch I have no idea why you were thinking of leting him go?
A
female
reader, AskingCupid +, writes (16 February 2007):
AskingCupid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Replies
I just wanted to say thank you so much, everything is so much clearer when someone lays it in front of you black and white. I also wanted to say that you were all correct - I found out where this man used to live with his wife (did a lot of digging around) and drove by there a few times. Guess what? His car was parked out the front EVERY time. But you already knew that (lol).
I also managed to access his email account, and I am one of several women he has lead down the garden path..in his inbox was an emotional account from a woman who he had been seeing for sometime, and her sadness that he didn't want anything more than a casual relationship with her.
And yes - I will never be seeing this man again, not even to say goodbye.
Thank you all so much for your advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007): Hi there - I have to say I totally agree with the other two replies to your dilema - let me explain why - my husband and I are separated - but we do everthing that normal couples do - basically we conduct the marriage under separate roofs - I spend most nights there and we conduct a family in his house - not mine - we have been aiming at getting us back under the one roof - apart from one thing - he has been having affairs left right and centre for the last 4 years - telling all of his other bits on the side - that he loves them - he even told one of these women that he was half way through a divorce and it might now take a little longer as me, his wife had found out about their affair and contest it on the grounds of adultry - he dumped her as soon as he realised I knew of this conversation, saying it was me he wanted and still wont discuss his affairs. Since then my husband has had several more -and he says the same thing to them all - he leads them on into thinking that he is this wonderful man who is going to offer them a future, and he doesnt have anything to do with me - his separated wife - one day she even rang the house while i was there and he refused to take the call when my son answered the phone - and why? i'll let you work that one out for yourself - so do yourself a favour - find someone who is trustworthy, honest and is prepared to treat you with respect instead of leading you down the garden path- sorry if this sounds harsh - but looking back - I actually feel sorry for the women my husband has lead on - they trusted him, like I did - but each and every time I catch him with his pants down, he doesnt leave me alone and says im the only one - er - I dont think so. Be brave and move on - you will find someone else even if you dont want to let go now - you will get over this and better to do so now than find out in a month or so that he has been lying to you - he clearly is playing with you....
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 Here's what I think, for what it's worth:
This guy has no intentions of leaving his wife. You are his "chick on the side". . . or mistress, if you will. If you don't mind being that, then hang in there for as long he wants to have you. Because that's how it's going to be. You're are the outsider, and will remain that way.
If he really wants you to be number one in his life, he'll divorce his wife and pursue you. Until then, move on.
Remember this: He cheated on his wife to see you. He was preparing to cheat on you with another Internet connection. You say "he is everything you ever wanted." Well, if a cheater and a liar is everything you want, keep playing house with this guy, because that's what he is.
Have a little respect for yourself and find someone that will treat you like a queen . . . someone that isn't already married.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): He may well still have feelings for his ex-wife - if in fact she IS now his ex, that is.No, it sounds as if maybe their divorce has not gone through yet. In any event, he told you he was not ready for a rock-solid relationship to begin with. Furthermore, if he has feelings for you, what was he doing maintaining his profile? Especially if he is still in the "separated" stage.I think you are probably better off saying a permanent sayonara to this man. He is evidently in no position to make a commitment to you, even if you are "very special" to him - I question just how special, though.This is the trouble when you get involved with someone who is still married, even if they are (supposedly) getting a divorce.
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