A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Should I stay or go?? I have been with boyfriend for a year now and it is the greatest relationship I have ever had. To me, he is a caring, beautiful person who generally always considers me. However, we have been honest with each other about our past, some of what he has told me I don't like. He had an affair with a married women at work many years ago, but as it is something I would never ever do, it makes me look at him in a new, not very favourable light. When he married his wife, after 4 years he left her without telling her the reasons why. She had to register him as a missing person. He used to look at girls all the time when we were out until I told him he was doing it and that it had to stop. He has eyed up my best mate (I caught him doing it but have never spoken to him about it). Should I let the past go in order to experience the best relationship I have ever had, or do I have a right to be worried?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): Well it sounds like no matter what we think and tell you, you are still going to rationalize his behavior, no matter what he does. So I guess it doesn't really matter what we think. If what you want to hear is that he sounds like a TERRIFIC guy and I think you are just being paranoid, I'd be completely lying. You are looking for any bit of hope in our wording so that you don't feel so bad about wanting to be with someone that deep down you know is not worth your time.Like being single for three years is NO excuse for eyeing other women in your presence. I mean he's got you now. He is not single anymore right? That he is shy and married out of a sense of duty is NO EXCUSE for walking out on his wife the way he did. That he couldn't walk away from the married woman because she was loud and he is shy, is a LIE. But if you are going to rationalize everything he does, good or bad, then just go ahead and convince yourself that you got a great thing going here and don't worry about these little "flaws" so much. Not because we think he doesn't sound suspicious. We do. But because you don't want to accept it. So if you are not going to accept it, why fret?Just put on your vision goggles and be "happy."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): Thanks for the replies but I would like to add further comment. He is a very shy person and put his gawking down to being single for three years before he met me - he was used to looking (it was more like a few glances than a gawk). The affair with the married woman was awful and he said it was a situation he couldn't get out of (I believe she was very loud and blousy and because he is shy, she made his life very difficult at work if he didn't toe the line - well that is what he told me). He did say it nearly gave him a nervous breakdown. With his wife I think he married out of a sense of duty and getting older, so when he knew it wasn't working, he just upped and left. I am definitely going to speak with him about eyeing up mate - having said that and not trying to defend him again, but having worked in an all male environment, it was interesting to see how all these "married" men were at work (looking at porn, eyeing up women etc), but were all very different when their wives were out with them. Was what he done so very wrong - his friend thinks it is perfectly acceptable to look at ladies breasts.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 August 2007):
 Let's see, he had an affair with a married woman, he took a hike on his wife without telling her, he ogles other women in your presence, and you are wondering whether you should be concerned? Does that about cover it? I guess my answer would be a resounding YES. I guess if you stay in this relationship you'd better keep your [insert my name] or you'll be in for some major pain. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, william101067 +, writes (16 August 2007):
You should be concerned. What makes you think he won't do this to you? By leaving and not telling her and she had to go to that extreme is very disrespectful and unthoughtful. IF he can do that to his wife, he can do that to you. He may play the game of being "wonderful" but sounds like to me he has some inner issues. Looking is one thing... both men and women do it. God gave us the instinct to look at things that catch our eyes. But gawking needs a slap. That is so disrespectful. Sounds like his wondering gaze has maybe got him into trouble before??? I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): Well I can see why you are worried! Um, in terms of his past, absolutely yes, I think a person's past is a very good indicator of who they are and where their values stand and what they are capable of. So, if you are using his past to judge his present merit, then you are being very WISE.
And even if you "let the past go" to experience a "good" relationship, in terms of his present behavior, he is already showing you signs of a not so good relationship. I mean you say he is caring and always considers you but eyeing other girls and your own best friend is neither caring nor considerate. So you need to rethink your definition of "caring" and "considerate" cause he is being neither.
No guy who loves you should EVER make you feel uncomfortable. And that is the BEST you are ever going to experience. And if that is what you want, don't fool yourself, cause he is already shown to be less than mediocre.
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A
male
reader, strawberries +, writes (16 August 2007):
People do change, or more acurately learn from their mistakes. The question is do you believe that he has learnt from what happened with his wife.
When you say "eyed up" what do you mean? Even married men will stare at attractive women (mostly when they think their significant other isn't looking). I think this in itself isn't something to worry about.
You certainly do have a right to be worried, but look at it this way; Why would he tell you about his past if he intended to do the same thing to you? Don't let your fears about his past ruin the present, or future of your relationship.
Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): I think you should be concerned. Gawping at other women and flirting with them in your presence is disrespectful - and its worse when its someone you know. I think you need to give him an ultimatum and definitely cite the incident with your best mate as an example. Tell him it hurts your feelings. As for his previous affair this could leave you feeling vulnerable but everyone is entitled to change and it doesn't mean he will do this to you. However combined with his current actions he is not providing you with the safe and stable environment you need. However nice a person is, however 'great' the relationship appears to be if there is not trust or it is eroded then it is time to really take stock.
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