A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I'm a little confused. Have just shut off contact with a girl who I had an affir with (I'm single she's in an unhappy relationship, no kids don't live together etc but feels trapped by everone elses expectations). Thing is I love her and am pretty sure she has fallen for me big time too but neither of us can handle what we are doing. So we are full on one minute the next she treats me like a stranger? I get fed up and tell her I'm pulling away as it aint looking like she's leaving him yet and I aint continuing the sex as it's driving us crazy. If she cared for him and was happy she wouldn't have done this right? Well I left it for a couple of weeks an got in touch and feelings still there for both. She messages me later saying she's feeling really down and wished she hadn't spoken to me? Why? So I figure she needs space to make her come to a decision. I message back telling her not to be down keep her chin up etc and I just want her to be happy and it'll work out. She is straight back telling me how I am completely wonderful, thankig me etc. Still nothing has changed so I leave her with that and the memories. She has to make up her own mind stay unhappy and deny herself or be brave and come with me. It's been hell for me to do and I figure she'll miss all the attention she's used to and emotions we create, whereas her fella cannot do that and it's the best way if we are not in contact as she aint getting the wonderful feelings I give her with little in return. So now after a couple of weeks she has messaged again wanting to know if I've been causing mischief calling me babe etc (I have done this to her in past and it's led to affair startin again). I think she knows I am trying to move on but she should know better as I've done this to let us clear our heads cos I care (I told her). We know it may be impossible to be friends because of the attraction we have but we were soul mates. Do I try to ignore her hoping she'll come when she sees sense and has to make decisions ie) finish with him. Or do I tease her back or is that giving her what she wants? There's no proper closure is that good or bad? They go away next month pre booked before affair and I know they have been on verge of splitting last couple of weeks, she told me when we spoke. Should I just leave it because that might be make or break. Feel like telling her before she goes to get in touch when she's back because I want to catch up and know she does too, I would imagine this will be like a bolt from the blue. Don't really want to break off contact as she's messaged me twice now with no reply from me but don't want to give her what she wants while I'm not with her. What do you guys think is going on with her? What should I do? I think it may be a test to see if I'm good to my word when I said no to physical affair while she's with him because it was messing her head as I cared more than that?
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affair, move on, needs space, soul mates, soulmate, trapped Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2007): A women will very rarely leave her marriage for someone unless she's sure that she really loves the other bloke, and it's not just all about hot sex. Her husband may no longer give her a racy sex life but they are bonded in other ways, and she's not going to overturn her life unless she's sure you are worth it! This is why she is sitting on the fence, and the more you go on meeting her and having contact with her, the less unlikely she will do anything to change her situation. I agree with the other responder. You'll have to bite the bullet and force her hand, but be prepared that she may walk away from you.I wonder if that is what you fear already which is why you keep letting her come back? The best situation would be if she broke away from her husband and you, to give her space to work out what she wants.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (16 August 2007):
 She is having the best of both worlds here, having her cake and eating it! The reason she said she felt really down is because she DOES like you, you make her FEEL special, loved and womanly but things are going reasonably well with her partner and her too and you getting in touch has brought these wanton feelings back again... feelings she doesn't get with the partner she's with just now and feelings she NEEDS and misses. There is a reason that's keeping her with her partner but it's not LOVE, could it be materialism???
My advice to you my friend is to send her another text and tell her very clearly that YOU have made a decison and will NOT be contacting her again. Only if she decides to leave her partner then for her to get in touch! It will hit her hard and it will you too but this is the alarm call she needs if you want to be together. Now the ball is in HER court and you have to get on with your life and wait....
If she gets back in touch with you, ask her has she made her decision? If she give you excuses then hang up or don't text back. She needs to know you're serious here and it will hurt her far more than it will hurt you. It is hard but it's also very necessary if you want her. You'll see too just how important you really are in her life or if you've always just been her "cake" and a boost to her ego.
Eve
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