A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently split from my husband after he cheated on me with my best friend and we have a 10 month old son. My problem is he will only see our son a couple of hours a week. I have never stopped him seeing our son on the condition that he doesn't take him anywhere near the woman he cheated with as they are now in a relationship. He takes him out for tea on a fri and normally as him back within an hour and half. He doesn't work weekends and I have offered for him to have him for the day but he is just always full of excuses saying he as no transport and nowhere to take him, I have told him to use the bus and take him swimming, to the park, for a walk etc...he is just full of excuses all the time. He has been tonight as he asked if he could come for an hour tonight to see him and give him his tea to which I said yes thats fine, we have no plans. He text me this morning to confirm it was still ok and I replied saying yes it was. He got here and I was making my sons tea while my son was playing with his dad and after 25 mins he said he had to go as he had plans!!! I was furious, to me he as just let my son down, 25 mins is not good enough and my son deserves better from him and I have told him this. So now I have told him that is it from now on he can see him on a Fri and take him for his tea and have him back by 6pm (my son goes to bed at 630pm). I have told him if he lets my son down again I will stop contact all together. Now I know my husband has a mind of his own but I also think that his girlfriend as a lot to do with how long he see's his son, I am thinking she is jealous because he see's me....although I do let him take him out, it was his choice to come and see him at my house. I have told my husband that our son should be his priority no matter what. I am so close to stopping contact as I do not believe he is putting our son first but I really don't want to at the same time, I believe my son needs his dad in his life but he doesn't deserve this either. What should I do, should I let him have one last chance? I also believe the reason my husband will not see our son at the weekend is because of his girlfriend...she has a son and she doesn't have him at the weekend either!! I also think as I have said that she is worried whenever he comes here, after all he cheated on me with her and if he can do it once he will do it again. Any advice on what to do greatly appreciated!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2011): I have already said in my question that I do not want to stop contact, I am simply saying my son deserves better. I already have a solicitor sorted out anyway and believe me he is a good one and I am also recording the times he visits and leaves and anytime he is late etc. He let my son down last night and I will not allow him to keep doing that. I believe my son needs his father in his life but I will not let him keep letting him down, I know when my son is older I will be able to look him in the eye and tell him that I have done my best by him.
Also I know my son is only 10 months old and there maybe not alot of things my husband cannot do with him at that age but to be honest, that is just not my problem, he is the one that chose to cheat on me with my best friend and is now in a relationship with her and as far as I am concerned he should be making more of an effort and my son should come first in his life no matter what.
I appreciate your feed back. I will let him see him for the 2 hours on a Fri tea time and if he does let him down then I will speak to my solicitor about supervised visits only until he can book his ideas up and put my son first!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): You are doing amazingly well so don't let yourself or your son down now. Give things time. Really try hard to be polite and accommodate him to see his son. Don't let your truly justifiable anger and upset get in the way of a good future relationship. One day you will be happy and settled with someone else and be so grateful you didn't cut ties because of his disgusting behaviour. Things are so raw its hard to see anything straight. For now swallow that bullet and sit down and talk to him gently but firmly about how important it is to maintain a routine for your son and tell him you will always be on his side with making your sons future a happy secure one. I wish I hadn't let my anger at my ex get in the way when he left me, cut all financial support and really hurt me. Be a better person than me. All boys need a father but you both need to set ground rules together. His behaviour sounds to me like its coming from his g/f too. Ignore that and concentrate on the things that count. She may not even be in the picture for long. Stay strong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011): To be fair there isn't a great deal a man can do except go for a walk with a 10 month old baby, when he's 2 or 3 it will be different.This isn't about you or your husband it's about the son you share but if his partner wants him free at the weekend then as its all new, thats what she will get.At the moment.Dont stop his access but make plans for the Friday yourself and say you will be going out also but will be back by 6pm to answer the door. I wouldn't allow him to spend his access time at your home when it clearly upsets you, give yourself time to heal first
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A
female
reader, Ashyboo +, writes (2 May 2011):
If you can't afford a lawyer and you earn below a certain amount per annum then you're entitled to legal aid. Contact your nearest Citizens Advice Bureau to get more advice on what steps to take.Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 May 2011):
You can't stop contact by yourself. The only way you can do that is to get a court order, and believe me you'd better have one brilliant reason to do it, or you'll be the one in severe trouble. I'm sorry that he's a shit father, but you're in a position where stopping contact has to be done through court - that means money, and an exceptional reason. Also, stopping contact is something that you'll have to explain to your son one day - and that's not an easy thing to do.
You can't stop him without a damn good lawyer, and a solid court order.
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