A
male
age
41-50,
*ober
writes:i don't know if this is even an issue to any one but myself. as most people are aware, the thought of two girls together is very cool as far as the male species is concerned. my young wife and i have discussed such activities, and have openly discussed possibly including another woman. hasn't been the right time so therefore it is still in the planning phase. what bothers me is that while she was out with another man and woman, (both of them mutual friends of ours, so not the issue at all), she kissed the other girl just to put on a bit of a show for the guy. she has never done such a thing in front of me. after they both told me this, i asked my wife about it, she responded, "it wasn't like that". that's it. is it unreasonable to be upset? and if so, should i worry about any thing else she does when i'm not there? any help would be very much appreciated. thanks Reply to this Question
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (3 May 2011):
Asking if it is unreasonable to be upset is an interesting question. It implies that it might be right to have some feelings and wrong to have others. This does not have to be questioned. Feelings are always ok, and right now you are upset about what happened, hence this post that you have chosen to write, it does bother you. The first place you need to start is accepting that you are upset and being ok with the fact that it is ok for you to feel the way you feel. This has nothing to do with whether or not what she did is right or wrong, or ok or not ok, it is just your feelings about it. Irrespective of the right and wrong of what she did, your feelings are ok.
Secondly, you should try understand why you feel the way you do. You might be upset because she kissed another girl, though I suspect that isn't it. You might be upset that she kissed a girl for the gratification of someone else, not you, in which case you might be feeling jealous. Most likely though, you are upset because she acted in a sexual way towards someon else other than you, without you being there, and most significantly in my point of view, without speaking with you beforehand and checking to see if you would be ok with it. This doesn't make any of it right or wrong, it doesn't sound like she would have knowingly done something you wouldn't have wanted her to do, or that she knew wouldn't have upset you. Right or wrong is a point of view.
Thirdly, I would speak to her about it, and tell her what it was that you are upset about. It might be helpful for you to be specific about what you were ok with, and what you were upset about. It might take her a while to understand, or see things from your point of view, but it is an important conversation to have. This is also the time that you can clarify what behaviour you both think is ok and not ok, in and outside the relationship.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 You shouldn't have to worry about what she does when you are not there. Which is why you and her need to talk some more about what you can expect or not. Not in a manner to say what she did was wrong (shaming is a bad way to go), but angle it like this: something happened that you reacted to, and you want to discuss this with her. Discuss what about it bothered you (do not get angry with her), and let her explain how she felt about doing what she did and where she draws the line for what she will do. It is important that you know and trust in her own boundaries for herself. Clearly though, those boundaries are set more loose than what you expected, thus this scenario.
Just please don't shame her for it. I've had that happened and it feels horrible to be treated like you have cheated if it was just a friendly thing that us girls do from time to time. It really kills your confidence and self esteem to get shamed and looked down upon. I am sure she didn't think it was harmful in any way, and it appears this is simply a case of where you haven't covered all the ground and there are still gray zones as far as boundaries go.
So, talk to her about it. Tell her you would like to understand what happened and why, and how she feels about it, and where she feels the line is drawn, so you know what to expect/so she knows what reaction to expect from you.
What we think of girls kissing friends is irrelevant. What matters is what she thinks and what you think.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (2 May 2011):
 It all depends on how much you trust her.
Is it unreasonable to be upset?
Yes and no. You've discussed this kind of thing in the past, so it's not out of the realm of your relationship. She also told you about it right away, so she's not trying to hide it. She likely thought it wouldn't be a big deal to you and might even turn you on. At the same time, she did it without you there, so she didn't get the official go ahead. I would recommend letting this slide with the condition that she talk to you BEFORE doing anything like that again.
Should you worry about anything else she does when you're not there?
Only if you don't trust her. Have a good talk with her. It will likely set your mind at ease some. Tell her this bothered you more than you thought it would. Be honest and open, while being calm and respectful. This will show you're interested in working on the issue rather than fighting about it.
Mistakes happen, how we deal with them defines us. Good luck.
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