A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm really having a hard time dealing with a bunch of things that I found out about my fiance. I don't know how to approach her about a lot of things I found out, and I also don't know what I really want out of the future. In order to receive relevant feedback, I must provide a pretty extensive background on our relationship. I would also like to thank everyone in advance that is willing to take the time to read this and respond.I met her about 6 months ago outside of a store. She is 23, and I'm 30. She asked me for a cigarette, and we started making some small talk. I was instantly attracted to her, and something about her personality just got my attention. We exchanged numbers and started dating the next day. It became clear that we both had a lot of life issues, but she was very up front and honest with me about all of hers. We both fell for each other really fast, and I was for all practical purposes living with her within a week. I say this, because even though it wasn't official that we were living together, I spent every night at her place and spent all of my time outside of work with her. We just fell in love with each other so fast, it was unlike anything I ever experienced.We both knew many of the issues that each of us had in our lives within the first week as well. She was very open and honest with me. We both had a drug problem, and we both wanted to quit. She was a former escort, and even though this did bother me thinking about her with other guys like that on a regular basis; she assured me that this is not something she was doing anymore. She has one child who is 3 years old, but her mother takes care of her. The reason for this is because she wanted to become clean from her drug problems so that she could provide a good environment for her daughter. This is something that was very important to her, because she said that she really misses her daughter, and she wants to be with her and set a positive example for her. She had also told me that her past as an escort haunts her. She feels ashamed that she was used the way she was, and between that and the drug issues she did show signs of depression. In addition to that, she was in a couple abusive relationships. She wanted to make changes in her life though, and I saw her for truly wonderful heart.She said early on how much she loves me, and she feels like she could overcome her drug issues. She also wanted to speak to a psychiatrist so that she could overcome her past (the abuse and the escort business). I knew that she wasn't perfect, but she loved me, she was honest with me, and she said that all she dreams of is to eventually be stable and have a family. She also made it clear that money wasn't something that was important to her, and that it was about loving the person you are with for who they are. I'm middle class, I live in an apartment and I make enough to support us, but we don't really have much extra money to speak of. She never complained about money issues, and in fact, I stressed out more about those kind of things she did.She was almost too good to be true. I've never had anyone show me so much love, and she was so honest about her problems. I didn't judge her on her past. After about a month, we were already engaged and talking about all the things we wanted to do in our future. We had so much in common, we wanted the same things, and we just loved spending all of our time together.She went out of town for a week, she said she was visiting with her aunt and uncle. When she came back, she officially moved in with me in my apartment. We have been living here for about 5 months now happily, but she still struggles with a lot of the insecurities from her past. One difference I noticed after her trip, is that she was more distant as far as showing signs of affection. For the first month we were together, she was very affectionate and loved to cuddle and be close to me. After she came back, it just seemed different. I actually had talked with her about it several times, because I felt that maybe she lost some of her love for me, but she said that she didn't. She told me that she loved me all the time, and she really did spend all of her time with me. She's the type of girl that just likes to stay in the house with me and do our own thing, she doesn't really like to go out a lot. Things have been going on like this, and she is finally going to see a psychiatrist about her issues.She told me the reasons that she doesn't cuddle anymore or show a lot of a affection. She said that a large part of it was that we needed to take the necessary steps to get her daughter. She has issues feeling loved and secure when she herself can't be there with her daughter. She would basically say that she shouldn't feel that love and security if she isn't even there to show that to her daughter (she has a lot of self worth issues). She still hates herself for her past as an escort, and she said that part of why she needs to see a psychiatrist is because she is uncomfortable with sex. This is in a large part due to what she's been through, and when I looked it up, a lot of girls that got out of prostitution felt this way so it wasn't unusual. We are both in rehab for our drug problems. She still talks about our family and getting her daughter and buying a house, getting married, etc. I just have a huge issue with the lack of affection, it sometimes makes me feel unloved. I also had a hard time with that, because she showed so much affection the first month we were together before she moved in with me.I recently found her old cell phone from before she moved in with me, and I found out a lot that concerned me. Although she has truly stopped now, I found out that for the first month I was with her, she still was an escort that was taking calls. This is something that she never admitted to, I just saw old texts between her and her clients from that first month. I also found out that the week long trip to her aunt was a story. She was having a week long affair with another guy, and judging by the texts, they did have sex, and she even sent him a text that she wanted to cuddle with him during one of those days. I had also found out that for that first month, she wasn't really sure if she saw me as someone she would want a long term relationship (even though she always made it seem to me that she fell for me right away). She did want to see if it would work, but as it turns out, she also really liked how I took care of her and was willing to be there for her financially as well. I was shocked by everything I saw naturally, and I haven't confronted her about it yet.I snooped through her journal, and I feel guilty about that now. I just needed to know how she really felt about me after everything I saw, because I was doubting her love for me. I read through it, and everything she has written in the last 4 months is about her struggles with life. Basically she doesn't feel like she is worthy of being loved, and she doesn't know how to change the way she feels about herself. She is very hard on herself in regards to her past and her self-worth. But she does also talk alot about how she wants to have a family with me and get married. We went through some financial struggles and drug rehab, and she wrote that she knows we can get through this together. The things she writes in her journal include me in her future, and she said that she feels it was fate that we were brought together.I also know that she no longer is an escort, she hasn't been since she moved in with me. She also hasn't cheated on me since that week long affair. The only negative is the lack of affection, but she makes her issues on that clear and the issues in her journal match what she has been telling me. I still wonder though in the back of my mind if she is with me for only the security of having me, or if she really truly loves me. I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, because if her issues with affection are what she says, than that isn't a clear indicator of her love for me.So, I don't know what to do. I feel like I should confront her about the way she used me that first month, the week long affair, and her escort dates. At the same time though, she has made large strides in drug rehab, and I'm trying to get her to realize she deserves love and deserves to be happy; I feel like if I bring these things up, it will be a huge setback for her mentally with all the issues she is dealing with. So, I don't know what to do. She tells me she really loves me, but I have my doubts. I want to confront her, but I don't want to hurt her while she is trying to change her life around and become a better person for her daughter. I really do love her with all my heart. We have been through a lot in the time we have been together, and I feel like she knows me better than anyone. She also said I'm the only person in her life she cares about, she doesn't really have anyone else, including family. What should I do? Do I confront her? I feel like I should confront her, but also tell her that I really care about her and will still be there for her to help her turn her life around, even if her feelings for me aren't real. Honestly, I would do this for her, because she is a good-hearted person and she has nowhere to turn. She is trying to change for the better. The thought that she might not love me like I have thought for the past 6 months hurts so much, but nobody else in her life believes in her, and I don't want her to go into a downward spiral. Me believing in her has helped her make many positive steps toward her future. In my heart, I hope that her love for me is as real as she says, and the fact that she plans on being with me and having her daughter with us makes me believe that even if she didn't fall for me as fast as she said, she did fall for me. So what should I do? Do I talk to her about what I found out from that first month? Or should I just go on since I know she hasn't done anything of that nature since? One thing that lingers in my mind is that the last person she was really affectionate with is the person she cheated on me with, and that makes me question her love for me. Do I let her work through her issues and see where it goes? (she has been slowly getting closer and closer, and she said the little things are actually big steps for her). I don't know, I'm just so confused. I really do love her, and I want to be there for her, but I don't know how to proceed.
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affair, cheated on me, engaged, escort, exchanged numbers, fell in love, fiance, her past, money, moved in, text, unloved Reply to this Question
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female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 You sound like a very nice & sincere guy.
Please do yourself the biggest favour & break up with this woman as soon as possible, because the longer this relationship with her drags on, the worse things will become.
She is not sincere, nor truly in love with you. She knows you have much empathy & unconditional love to give her, so naturally, she feeds off that, as any needy & desperate person would.
The fact is, you both fell for eachother way too fast, however wonderful it may have seemed @ the time.
To be blunt, you both knew very little about eachother, yet you chose to live together very quickly.
This, i have to say, is not healthy @ all & as you are 30, you would now be able to see this in hindsight.
I do not judge anybody, however, you have posted your story & i wish to give you true, honest feedback.
If you choose to remain with this woman, which i feel you will somehow try to do, even after all the wise advice you are being given by numerous readers, you will surely be left behind with a seriously broken heart.
Please do some soul searching & think about this very seriously.
You deserve to be with a woman who will be completely honest with you, i mean 100% honest & nothing less!
You must be with a person, who won't use you, just to gain a better outcome for themselves, by using you, which is what your current gf is doing.
As a previous reader has said, she will eventually become stronger, because of your encouragement & support & she will eventually see no need to keep using you, so she will leave & perhaps too, without even saying goodbye.
She has so much baggage & all you are doing, is picking up the dirty trail behind her, seriously.
You sound as though you need to do much work on your own self esteem, because i am confident enough to say, that if your self worth was much better, you would never have given this woman a second glimpse & even if you did, but soon happened to see her for who she really is, then you would have been running for the hills & fast!!
You would not be sticking around, nor tolerating such issues.
Have more pride in yourself, pick yourself up & stop taking crap from her, or anybody for that matter.
Break up with her, wish her all the very best & let her know that you must move on without her in your life.
Try not to enter into chit chat with her, after you do, because, she will only find 100 ways to beg you to stay. Most of it will be her playing mind games with you anyway & i truly doubt she is in love with you, because if she truly were, she'd never have lied to you, when she went away. She would never have been with any other man, but you.
I am in love & i can assure you, that i would never, ever cheat behind my partners back & vica versa.
People who are truly in love, don't do such things & her lying to you, just adds to that doesn't it?
(What else could she have been lying about, that you do not yet know??)
Don't fool yourself, you will suffer greatly, if you continue on with this woman, so deal with it immediately & let her know it is over & for good.
You want a great future, with a woman who is 100% deserving of you & that woman will know that it is an honour to be a part of your life, as you will be hers too, but only if & when the partnership is ideal & meant to be.
Please take time out, to seriously think about what all the readers have mentioned to you.
So many people cannot be wrong can they?? :-)
By leaving her, you are leaving the door open for the best relationship you've ever known, to enter into your life & it will happen, however, you have no hope @ all, if she is still in the picture, but before you seek love again, sort yourself out first & foremost.
Have a long break from women & do some inner work on yourself & find that closure that you so need, in order to be open to true love again.
You do know that your heart cannot be open to finding love again, if you've not found your own closure.
I am a Counsellor, so i see these issues each & every day & i have much experience in my field of work.
All the best & be strong, you are man, so be a man!
You know you have the inner strength & the power to do this, so go for it!!
I rarely give actual advice, so this is a rarity for me, however, i really felt the urge to assist you in some ways.
Good luck & let us all know how you get on.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 Oh for cryng out loud.
So you don't have much money but she does not complain ? I bet - what should she complain about , she has not got any herself ! she needed to bum cigarettes off random strangers in the streets !. Or, if she wants money, she has to turn tricks. Everything would be an improvement on that- considering that she has nobody else to help her , which it can possibly be the only thing she is telling you the truth about .
And so, she only lied to your for an inital month, about being an escort.... No wait, she only lied to you twice- when she said she was visiting family but in fact she was somewhere with some guy. Whom she felt like being affectionate with, because this was a free choice, and not the vital hard necessity to switch and bait him... All in just 5 months or so.
.. But all is well, because she sees a future with you. Eh, I bet that too- she wants to keep her daughter with herself , ( without ,though, having the burden and the responsibility of supporting her financially , I guess ) and providing her with stability and social acceptance. Of course she wants that, escorts are mothers too lke any other mother, and thay want the best for their children. Particularly when there is someone , who can get these things for them and is so easy going to be appeased by an " oh you know I have got issues because of my past ".
Ok, so this girl has got issues. Everybody's got issues. You have got your own ssues too !- how come you do not use your ssues as a good reason to, say , send her out whoring ,and pimp off her ?... how come you do not cold bloodedly use your issues to get what you want no matter what, no matter who gets lied to, cheaten on, disrespected and humiliated in the process ?..
You asked what you should do- I think you know what you should do , it's just that you don't want to do it.
You should accompany her to the nearest Greyhound station and put her on a bus to her mom's town, or other destination of her choice, adding a couple hundred bucks as a farewell gift,if you wish, and your best wishes for a better future.( I also bet,- third bet of the post - that you won't do it, you'll find " reasons " for not doing the only thing that would be healthy and sensible ).
You should try to not feel bitter about ths experience, which came about because you gave your brain a sabbatical, but which anyway gave you good moments, good times and good memories- and you should vouch to never repeat it, because no matter how other people may be hard done and have suffered etc., you still aren't their shrink, their father, their tutor, their caretaker, and you should not give up your dignity to become any of that.
You talk so much about her feeling undeserving of love - and what about you ? how do YOU feel ? do you feel that what YOU deserve is being used for fnancial stablity , and having to be cheated on, and have to beg for affection ?...
It would sound so- and perhaps you should work at fixing your own sense of unworthiness , before you go fix other people's ones...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Here are the facts.
For you, the first month was when you fell head over heels for each other, moved in and got engaged. She was being sooo honest and you loved that about her.
For her the first month is when she wasn't sure about you, was lying to you and cheating on you. Yet she still moved in with you and got engaged with you.
You two are definitely not on the same page.
She needs saving and you have 'Messiah complex'. You're willing to put up with shit to save her from her past. It makes you feel good to watch her blossom in your care. This is why you are willing to continue even if she doesn't love you.
Well it doesn't work like that. Only she can save herself. And lying and cheating on you are definitely not phase 1. Refusing intimacy is not phase 2. She is with you for security. You are choosing to ignore that. And the more progress she makes, the less she needs you and the less she feels the need to give you what you want which is intimacy.
She's become a live in escort basically. But even with the best of intentions, no one can pretend to love another and give them intimacy indefinitely.
My advice is to break up with her and do some soul searching about why you made such ill informed decisions. Realise that you need to 'save' others and learn how to manage that need. Because your future relationships will likely replicate this ons one if you don't do something. You will end up enabling other people to live dependent and unhealthy lives so that you can rescue them
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 August 2014):
 I've gotta be honest with you...I don't feel good about your future prospects for a good relationship with her. I think she is using you to "get clean", so to speak. I also think that you've jumped the gun in many areas, and you've committed some things you can never ever repeat in any future relationship. Here are my thoughts:
1. She cheated and created an elaborate story of a trip in order to sleep around on you. That alone shouldn't slide. Ever.
2. You got engaged and moved in together within ONE MONTH of dating??? Sorry, but that is outrageous. Trust takes time. People move that fast in talking about love and stuff if they are either players (using love and stuff to get what they want) or are marks (i.e. way too desperate to have true caution). All you knew of her is how she made you feel. You and she created too much false intimacy on common ground and frankly...your penis. You got some, and your ego got some.
3. Along the same lines - you went WAY TOO FAST in engagement/living together. Take a lot more time in getting to know someone before doing something so outrageous. That being said, never snoop again. What if the next time, you ARE in a healthy relationship and you destroy trust by rifling through journals and emails and texts? Invading privacy is a betrayal of trust as well. Just because this time it turned up incriminating evidence doesn't mean you should do that. Had you slowed down and wasn't in such a rush to speed things way too fast, that wouldn't have been necessary.
4. She is an escort. Her speciality is the girlfriend experience. Escorts are more than prostitutes. She can read you like a book, can make you feel like a million bucks, and she did it to live with you and get the benefits of a relationship. She is/was an addict, which means that her skills of deception are legendary as well. You never asked why her child isn't in her care and isn't in the child's father's care either?
5. You're not her therapist or psychologist. She is responsible for her actions. A cheater is a cheater. A liar is a liar. Her issues don't excuse her from treating a guy well. She planned and strategized a complicated lie to tell you (i.e. a family trip), which should be a huge dealbreaker.
6. She is neither upfront NOR honest. You were living with her within a week? What?! She baited you hook, line, and sinker. You got what you wanted until you didn't. You wouldn't even be questioning what you should be questioning had not your penis been getting less attention.
7. You still know nothing about her. You need to stop living with her and break up. Your actions are unhealthy as well, and you can never do to another woman what you did with this one, with the snooping journals and phones and emails and so on, not if you want a healthy relationship. You dated an escort drug user, so what did you expect??
If you stay with her, you'll find out far more about her than you thought. She *is* too good to be true, and her struggles with feeling like she deserves love is irrelevant. People who lie and cheat on those they profess to love do not deserve love.
Make better choices on partners.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): I think you need to talk to her about all of this. It won't be an easy conversation but you will always have doubts if you don't. I think the cheating is a serious issue, for me that would be a deal breaker. People who have addictions also have problems with lying to themselves and to others. The fact that she lied about all of this proves that she is still struggling and not recovered at all. I hope people reading this, men in particular who use prostitutes, will see the damage they do simply because they want to get off and objectify another human being in order to do that.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 Her guilt of cheating and lying maybe the reason she's having trouble being intimate with you. You should confront her to clear up the tension. Your worries won't go away by itself. I think she loves you in her way, but you can't expect her to love like a normal woman without the trauma she went through. You would hear people say if a woman loves you, she would want to shag you. Her experience with escorting has conditioned her to shut off and separate love from sex. When she has sex with you, she keeps having images of men using her as an object. In other words, she can still have sex, but only with a person she doesn't love. Now she is focusing on her daughter because she is avoiding the area of intimacy. The confrontation is about stopping her lying, but part of it is also to express your needs not being met. Sexually she became numb and lifeless, maybe her affair was an attempt to make her feel alive again. She can curb her drug habit, be good to her daughter, but in the bedroom she is disappointing. You can be understanding and patient, but she needs to know that her issues do not justify her cheating.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2014): I didn't read the whole thing. There was enough to pick up just skimming it to give me an opinion.She is 23yo, you have known her for 6 months, and you are engaged. Bad idea. She was an escort and having affairs a month into your relationship, and only 5 months ago. Bad news.She has a kid and real part of your value in her eyes is financial/security. Bad news.She lied and to you misleading things about all this stuff and her feelings. Bad news.You are seriously questioning things now that you know the truth but you feel like she needs your help. Bad reason to push forward and get married.
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