A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have had a best friend for 10 years, and known his girlfriend for around 6 years. I have always been incredibly attracted to his girlfriend but have never done anything to make a move or compromise their relationship. For example, if I feel I am feeling too much towards her, I simply make sure I don't see her for a few months, and let those feelings pass.However over the past 5 years, I have come to see my friend to be less than honest with his girlfriend. This ranges from him cheating on her, which happened a couple of years ago, which I think he has learnt his lesson from, but more importantly he has quite a liking to drugs that goes beyond occasional weekend drug use but it an almost daily habit.His girlfriend laid her cards on the table to him recently and said she wants the relationship to move on, for them to eventually marry and settle down. She didn't demand dates for this to happen, but just wants to feel there is progress.The same weekend she had that chat, he continued taking drugs which has clearly upset her and I know that he doesn't believe in marriage and can not ever see himself stop drugs, or going to raves so it seems completely incompatible of what she wants from him now.It has come to the position where I have been giving advice from being independant for both of them to really feeling sorry for her because I don't see my friend dealing with his problems and know that she can be better off with someone that wants to give her what she wants.I feel in a difficult position now because I don't know if I should mention any of his indiscretions (that are from the past) or the fact I think she could do better (because that is her decision to make) or even elude to the fact that I like her at this confusing time for her.I think if I were to tell her now that I like her, she may think I have another motive for everything I have ever said, and I am quite certain I don't as I have purposely been very careful. I have just always tried to get them to communicate to each other and try and stay out of specifics, but I feel it has shifted now to encouraging her to develop her own confidence, make her own judgment and come to her own conclusions to "do the right thing" (i.e. if it is clear he won't move on then not to wait forever as it will only be a disapointment)Do you think it is better my feelings for her remain a secret, at least for the time being? I have often sensed that she has felt something for me too, but I know she loves her boyfriend, and wants for him to change but is realising that he isn't going to. I am actually willing to loose my friend over this, for the benefit of being on "her side" Ending up with this girl would be a dream for me... but ultimately I want to see her happy with or without me. What do I do!? I know now my friend can't make her happy and this changes everything as to how I relate to both of them from now on.
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best friend, confidence, drugs, move on Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (17 April 2009):
 Dude I think you deserve better then this mess.
Do you really want to get in there?
Besides you seem to totally elude the fact that if you make a move, she might tell him and then u might loose them both.
Yes, she might have feelings for you, but that is not the only thing that matter in this situation.
How do you know that you can make her happy? She is willing to marry him and hes clearly not the dream man... so he must be doing something right no?
Just, dude, I think you deserve better.
Find yourself a better best friend!!!
And then, maybe try to either find another girl, or well try to hang out with this one... who knows... but dude, u better know what youre getting into.
A
female
reader, Ms. Tearious  +, writes (17 April 2009):
Well it sounds to me like this good buddy of yours isn't someone anyone wants to be hanging around with right now. I'm unclear as to the fact of her knowing or not her sweetheart's activity's such as the drugs and cheating. Does she kow about those? You didn't make that very clear.
I think the best thing for you to do is to spend more time with her, meaning take her out to do local activities (movies, bowling, walks in the park, museums). She'll take it as a friendly invitation to get away from her stressful situation (since you are friends after all).
This will give you a chance to be able to SHOW her how much you really care and feel about her. Don't bring up the subject of the boyfriend, let her do that, and if she satrts venting to you, once she's almost finished, just politely and sympathetically tell her that you're getting tired of watching him hurt you and it hurts you more so seeing it done because you have stronger feelings for her.
Tell her then just how you feel and that you know she's going through a tough time so you won't impose your feelings upon her, you're just going to remain her friend unless she ever feels otherwise. This will let her know how you really feel about her, yet not putting any pressure on her to return the feelings. She has a lot of stress on her, just like you, so this needs to be handled somewhat delicately.
Be the person she can lean on when things get hard, and along with her knowledge of your true feelings and the compassion and true caring you show her everytime she'll need you, it will definately increase your chances of turning this into a happy ending.
It's a lengthy solution, but the only one I could foresee actually working. I really hope this helps you, you sound like a real gentleman.
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A
male
reader, rolfen +, writes (17 April 2009):
Well I dont know man. That is a terrible situation.
In life everyone has to deal with their trouble their own way. Every person deals with it in a different way.
So just look deep inside of you and do what you always do. You will find the answer deep inside you.
Personally, I never mess with my friends girlfriends while theyre together. Frienship supercedes everything for me. Its just my way of dealing with stuff, it works for me, but may not work for you.
Maybe his girlfriend actually is sick of this relationship, and asking for marriage is her way of sabotaging it. She is his 6 year girlriend she probably knows him inside out, and knows hot to push his buttons. But then u are his 10 year best friend, so you also probably know him inside out...
Everyone sees the situation from a different angle. Its akin to watching 2 sides of the same wall, one side painted blue, the other yellow...
At the end the wall is still there between you.
So if you want to get together with her, dont play any mind games. just hang out with her. Give her your opinion about this mess. That is just my advice. You say you dont want to tell her you like her because you might come across as a hypocrite. But by not telling her, thats exactly what you are being.
Just keep in mind, different people have different ways of coping. Some people cope with drugs. Some people do well under pressure, other people just crumble...
They might each be trying to cope with this stuff in their own way, so I would advise against playing amateur relationship counselor. You are obviously the one who needs counseling because you have no idea what to do in this situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): Hun, dont disrespect your friend or his relationship.
Why dont you be a good friend and give him guidance? Honestly, find yourself another girl-there are plenty out there!!!! I would be absolutely GUTTED if my mate shagged my wife-to-be (as that is effectively what she is).
Have some morals, some decency, some respect!
Its wrong dude, dont get with her, please.
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