A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, my situation is this, I have been with my bf for a long time since I was 18 and I am currently 26. We are going on 8 years together and I love him dearly. When we began to have sex, I did not use any type of protection basically because of my immaturity,but as 2 years when on, I started to realize that even though I was not using protection, I never became pregnant.My boyfriend and I then sat down one day and we spoke about what we wanted in the future so we decided I would get on birth control and wait till we both finished college in order to get married and have kids. The problem began when I went to the doctor, my menstrual periods are irregular and I mentioned this to my doctor, she ran some tests on me and determined that their was something wrong with my follicles and that i rarely ovulate, which in all terms, she told me it would be very difficult for me to become pregnant with out professional help and possibly medications. I became very depressed and I told my bf this but he stated that not matter what he will be there for me whether we have kids or not and that we could always adopt as well when ever we get married. this happened about 4-5 years ago and I still till this day i have been on a type of birth control pill on and off to try to regulate my period but I have not used protection the majority of the time. I have graduated college and have a full time job as well as he. We plan on getting engaged soon and planning our wedding but I still can't help feeling sad. I don't want to take the joy of him ever becoming a father because of me. I love kids and borrow my sisters and his sister's kids when ever we can to take them with us adventure parks, movie and pizza. I can't stand baring the fact I might never know what it feels like to have a child. I have to admit, my sister is a 1 1/2 younger then me and she is the first to have given my parents a grandchild. I have one nephew who is 6 months so this is all recent but in the beginning, I was jealous of her and heartbroken because i couldn't bare to witness the excitement I possibly could never feel. When my nephew was born however, all that went away and I loved my sister for giving me the feeling of being an aunt and having such a precious nephew. I tried to tell my parents but they took it as a joke. They don't know I am sexually active but I told them what the doctors had said based on the test since they know my period is irregular. His parents and my parents are always asking us to get married because they want grandchildren from us. His parents don't know what is going on and I am scared for them to find out. It has go to the point where my bf started saying he dosen't want kids and that i don't either when ever anyone asks us if we want any. He always says he has enough with me in a joking way and says he has no more attention left for anyone else. I think he says this to make me feel better but honestly sometimes I feel like I should let him go so he can find someone who can give him kids. I love him and don't want him to leave me but how do I get away from this feeling? What can I do to not take things so hard on myself? Does anyone know what this is called when your periods are irregular and you don't ovulate frequently? I feel guilty to even think my bf might not have kids if I marry him. Am over exaggerating? Should I tell my family about what is going on or should I just keep it between my bf and I after or before the wedding? Help please!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much. I actually cried when I read some of your advice. Lots of people cant believe we are still together and mainly because we are high school sweethearts and have been together for a long time. I think all of you are right, I am feeling sorry for myself and him and thinking about letting him go when all along he states we will try everything and if not, he says he dosent mind not having kids at all as long as he is with me. I brought up the issue last night and he stated, " luv, I rather be with you and not have kids then with someone else and have kids becuase I wouldn't be happy, what makes me happy is you not the thought of having or not having kids".
I think all the pressure from everyone around me got to me and I just didn't know how to handle it. I would hate to take that opportunity from him of being a father but on the other hand, if it where to be "him" with the low sperm count or he was the one who couldn't have any, I would want to be by his side and not let him go because I love him. like someone said, this is just an obstacle and I'm sure we can both get through it together. Thank you very much everyone. You have madee look at this issue with a different perspective!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I'd say that you need to take care of three areas: one is your actual physical health. Make an appointment with your doctor again and go in and tell her that you need to understand what is happening and realistic expectations for your future fertility. Bring in a notebook with prepared questions, and bring your fiance and maybe your mother, so they can act as another set of ears for you. Write down what the doctor says.
Second is your emotional health. You appear to worry a lot and get very emotional about things you don't really know to be true. I call that 'borrowing worry.' Some people are just wired to worry and perhaps you fall into that category but I have to tell you that it is a very toxic way to go through life.
RedAthena had a great suggestion for that in that it would be a great idea for you to go in for pre-marital counseling. An open and honest discussion with a trained pre-marital specialist would go a long way to alleviate your fears that your fiance is marrying you for the wrong reasons.
And finally, your lack of trust in your fiance's ability to make decisions for himself is a bit troubling. That should be worked through in the pre-marital counseling sessions as well.
So that's physical and emotional and trust issues. You sound like you are floundering a bit and perhaps having a multi-step plan with your fiance to address all those issues will give you a solid basis to build a future. In other words, don't sit around fretting about 'what ifs' when you could so easily figure out the steps you could take to remove the worries in the first place.
Maybe your doctor could refer you to a counselor if you can't break that cycle of negative thinking and inertia.
So go make those phone calls and get started down the "FIX IT" path rather than doing loops on the "OH DEARIE ME, OH POOR ME" road to nowhere.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 whether you are overweight or not depends on your BMI (body mass index) go back to your doctor with the paperwork find out your correct diagnosis and see what your options are. have you you should be under the care of a gynaecologist if you are not already. it is very important though that your boyfriend gets his sperm count checked too though so you know what you're dealing with. also make sure you are having plenty of sex. your boyfriend knows the situation and is CHOOSING to stay with you, no one is forcing him to! so stop feeling bad. trust his judgement on this
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Your so blessed to have him.Don't make your life miserable.Find help about your problem.Letting him go is not the answer.If ever you really can't have a baby.Just let him go.If he ask.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes the doctor told me what I had but in all honesty the news was a shock that I didn't bother to even pay attenion to any more she was saying. All i have now is the paper work that say so many things and percentages. I dnt know if it would be considered over weight but I was recently 155 and manage to loose and stay at 130 now. I know I haven't tried much and maybe I am taking it to hard on myself . We decided to start taking every procedure we can after we get married but that little " what if " kills me. I love my bf a lot and we have been through thick and thin but this issue kills me little by little sometimes. on my spare time it's hard not to think about this even though years have passed. Ionia he won't leave me and I don't believe he will because he has managed to stay now for 4-5 Yars with this news but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I haven't bothered to check if it could be him after the doctor told me what she said but you are right, at least I do ovulate and that is already a good step. how can I stop feeling like this?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): My wife and I never wanted kids and told each other that many times. We faced a lot of nagging questions from the parents about grandkids and, truthfully, it is none of their damn business. If your husband says he doesn't want kids either, then you need to sit him down and tell him that he REALLY needs to think this through. If he still says he does not, then believe him.Over time, our attitudes have changed and every once in a while my wife talks about kids and I have to admit I wonder what it would be like. I think we are too old now (we are in our early 40's) anyway, but the other day my wife said that if it came down to it we could always adopt a child. That is so true. Don't feel like you will never be able to have kids. Medical technology is great, you and your husband are still very young, and adoption is always an option.Focus on your marriage, forget the parents, forget your friends, forget what the media says, and definitely forget leaving your fiancee over this. He would leave you himself if it was that important to him. Every loving marriage does not have to end in kids. End of story.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): You will be pregnant don’t worry, my friend had the same condition, even worse, and she got pregnant. First she tried and nothing happened for couple of years. She came here, because I knew a very professional doctor in my city. When she started the treatment she got pregnant in less than 5 months. That was amazing and everybody was happy. Why you are sad? You have not tried to even get pregnant without help yet! There is a possibility that you get pregnant even without any help. Don’t worry about it you will be fine. If you tried by plan and no chance be sure to choose a good doctor, I saw what happened to my friend, after having an absolutely bad surgery that was done by someone not very professional her condition got worse due to the damage, on top of her problem, and there was just 30% chance just because of the damage, so she saw this doctor and he did an absolutely amazing job helping her get pregnant. Just be very careful with the doctor. Good luck and when you got pregnant please let us know!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (3 June 2011):
i am sorry to hear this, my friend is having lots of trouble conceiving and like you, she loves kids and borrows other peoples but would dearly love her own. its heartbreaking i know.
did your doctor not tell you what your condition is called? can i ask are you overweight? this can sometimes be a sign of polycystic ovarian syndrome. if you are 'rarely' ovulating then at least you ARE ovulating sometimes, so there is still hope. if your boyfriend tells you that he wants to be with you whether you give him a child or not, then believe him. you may let him go, thinking that you are being kind and he might never find someone he loves as much as you or who makes him as happy as you do, so if he tells you he wants to stay with you - don't push him away.
in the meantime, look after your health, maintain a healthy weight - don't smoke, has your boyfriend had fertility tests? he should not smoke either, as this can have an adverse effect on his own fertility.
only tell your family if you really want to. they don't need to know anything yet really do they?
best wishes i hope it happens for you
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Yes i do think you are over exaggerating. The most important thing when you have or want to start a family is your partner. If you love each other then you can get through that. I mean there are so many options theres invitro, theres serogacy, adoption. Not to mention medications... You have given up before you have even tried! Remember you cant hold someone back when they want to be with you. He loves you you cant give up so easily.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
Your doctor should have given you the diagnosis, if you didn't understand it, please feel free to contact the doctor's office and ask what the name of your condition is. There's nothing to be ashamed about.
You are an adult at aged 26 and are free to make your own choices regarding having sex or not. You are not a baby-factory and are not responsible for the fulfilling the grandbaby wishes of any of the parents.
That being said, if you want children that you bear yourself, then get out there and find the doctor that could help you. I have friends who were told that she would be infertile; they took themselves to experts and discovered they had an ill-informed doctor, got the situation fixed and now have 2 lovely bratty children.
So take active steps to address your perceived 'infertility' and make sure you have exhausted your options in that regard before giving up.
Your personal health is your own business, you can choose so share it or not. I would say that bringing your parents in on the troubles you are having may help lighten the mental burden you are placing on yourself, but I do not know you or your parents. To me, it would be a no-brainer. Share the bad news with the people who love me best and hopefully they will help. Maybe they can even find you a better doctor.
There are wonderful infertility clinics out there with trained staff and some decent success rates. I think you have given up a bit too early and should explore your options a bit more vigorously, rather than feel defeated before your marriage has occurred.
Your husband-to-be can decide for himself if he wants to be with you or not. Why would you second-guess him? If you are so uncertain about his commitment to you, get into counseling and that should settle things for you prior to the wedding.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 He has already said he doesn't want to leave you, children or not. Believe him.
If it ain't broken, don't fix it, OK?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Ovulation disorders, infrequent or absent ovulation (anovulation), typically result in infrequent periods (oligomenorrhea)
These conditions are usually hormonally related. Your doctors put you on medication to regular your periods, but have you ever spoken to a fertility specialist?
Your hormonal levels can be related to other medical conditions you may have. Have you looked at ALL your options?
Have you been to any sort of marriage preparation courses or counseling? (Many churches require them if you are getting married in a church)
Most importantly, talk to your fiance about your worries. Communication is most important in a healthy, happy marriage. If you are worried he will leave you bc you cant have children or you are short changing him of becoming a Father in the "traditional" way..voice it BEFORE you get married!
He is marrying YOU, not your ovaries.
Yes, you should tell a TRUSTED family member, perhaps your sister or a Mother? They do not need to know about your sexual experience, besides, you are 26! It is none of their business if you are sexually active.
You could use the support!
There are SO many options for infertility now! Examine all of them! If you really feel you NEED to be a Mom someday and desire that experience, look at all yoru opportunities.
Most of all, do not alienate the man you love so much and loves you as well. He needs to know that he is more than just a potential Father.
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