A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really hope you can help. I am in an abusive relationship. I do love the guy but he seems to be be intent on saying that his physical violence towards me is justified - i.e. apparently I 'press his anger buttons' when I get annoyed with things. I have tried to reason with him. I have felt pretty pressurised in the relationship from the word go (wanting to move in with me after a couple of months and said he loved me after a week - I held off on both of these until I was ready) and yet he is also very loving and tactile. On the one hand I desperately want to find a comfortable relationship but after how things went this morning I am unsure I can go on making allowances for him. I started getting angry and resentful at how my life seems to have unravelled over the last couple of years - as he has been totally focused on himself and I have had to put things on hold to keep the relationship alive - he has threatened to finish it several times. The argument escalated into shouting and then he grabbed my t-shirt and my head and hit the back of it against a door, twice, quite hard - it gave me a headache for about an hour. He said he just wanted me to shut up. I have moved to live with this guy now and have lost friends, my previous job (the one I have is poorly paid) and money in the process. I feel I have to make it work. My Mum has been really ill last year and this put a strain on us too. I feel pretty desperate because I am not sure I can recover from the violence even though it only happens every now and then. I am not excusing him but I know that his Dad used to hit him and ridicule him. This morning he told ME I was unstable and pathetic - this hurt because I have tried so hard to keep things together. I don't know what to do - I have to make a decision either way. Should I leave now?
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female
reader, Milagros18  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 you should hear yourself talk. I think you know the answer to your problem. Unless you want to keep getting hurt you should definately move forward with your life. Some one who cares and loves you wont have the heart or mind to hurt you. For your own health and good throw that trash away and move away, don'r come back to it. It's smelly and sucks. Have dignity my girl and moooooovvvveeeee onnnn. Your wise and strong you'll make the right choice.Good luck(:
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): I only read the first 3 lines --get out now, are you insane?? No need to read the rest, there's no explanation, justification or excuse for physical abuse. GET OUT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 Oh my god yes you need to leave. Run run run as fast as you can!! This relationship will go nowhere that is good. You deserve better than this!
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A
male
reader, Dr.love23  +, writes (28 January 2011):
Yes... Actually you should have done this long time ago. Abusive relationship is always not a good relationship. As you go on it will get even worse. Grabbing shirt might turn to punching and choking. A real men would never purs his hand on a women. Even if he is raised that way it dosent its ok to do it. Instead he needs to be better than his father. So my advice would be leave him before things get worse followed by regrets.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): No matter the excuse or the following events, a man should never lay his hands on a woman let alone anyone hitting anyone! growing up, i was hit by my father along with all of my siblings on a daily basis for no reson so it is my learned behavior like his but i would never lay my hands on my lover in a harmful way because i know how it feels to b abused by someone u love and i would never want to make the person i love feel like that. ur man does need counseling and im sorry to say that if he knows how it feels but still does it to u, he does not love u. a mother is one of the most sacred things u can have, if she was a good mother than she gave up the beauty of her body, went through the pain of being a strong woman and loved and protected u to give u life. if u love ur mom, go to her, help her, return that love. but whether u go to ur mom or not, get away from ur man and his savage ways. and do me a favor and help other women with ur experience, try to change someones life. lets hope that at least one good thing can come out of this. good luck girl!!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (28 January 2011):
 I'd like to add that he needs some counseling, because as you say, learned behavior is not an excuse, it's just a crutch for getting away with terrible actions and not dealing with baggage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2011): from what you've described, your partner is an asshole, should be locked up.
but i understand what a contradiction it is for you, you feel love for him, but you know what he does to you is unfair and wrong, ive got certain anger issues, im always punching the wall when playing call of duty for example, but physical abuse to a vulnerable woman, i think you should really tell him who's unstable and pathetic, and end the relationship, i know it can seem like a big thing, i think you need to see a specialist on this, it could really help you, now i can't go to sleep knowing that some woman is beeing abused by their own partner it makes me sick, good luck, i wish you all the best. live a your life, your way.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (28 January 2011):
YES. It is possible that you've been having an understandably hard time dealing with your mother's illness but getting beat in the head is NOT the answer to making you feel better. You know this is not right. You know that you don't need shutting up, let alone being hit to be MADE to shut up. I understand he probably has some redeeming qualities, ie. it's not all his fault bc it's learned behavior, or he makes it up to you later, but you DON'T need his instability. and you DON'T need to be hurt, physically OR emotionally. He doesn't love you. He's threatened to leave you. He's smacked your head on a door to get you to stop speaking. There is NOTHING you could have said to him to warrant this behavior because it's completely unjustified. Please leave this man, you can do so much better. If I were you and it weren't too far away, I'd take care of your mom for a little bit, it'll also be good to emotionally recuperate far, far away from this man who is dangerous and may handle the break up as violently as he's handled you/the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Shae15 +, writes (28 January 2011):
Hunni you should get out of that asap i was in a abusive relationship and i stayed and stayed untill he beat me up so badly i was in hospital for 4 weeks dont let it get to that stage with you its in your best interest i promise u that xx
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