A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Let me start from the beginning. I love my wife and in the beginning of our relationship everything was perfect until she found some porn in my computer the same day that we have had sex. I explained to her that it was nothing to worry about and that I wasn't try to replace her for porn and that I should not done it, it was just a mistake. She told me that she doesn't like porn and the only time that she uses it is when she is alone (no in a relationship) so she couldn't understand why I was using it. She was really mad at me, she treated me literally like shit. After few months I got my wife's trust back on me, but in every sinlge fight we have had she broght that up, and saying that after she found porn in my laptop our relationship changed, and that our sex life would no be the same never again. So it made me feel guilty for our problems, like my mistake ruined me marriage. She held this for about 2 years every fight related of our sex life she would through it in my face.About a week ago I was just looking for something in her computer and I found porn in her laptop, and I checked the history and she looked at it the same day when we had sex. So the same situation for what I was treated like shit it repeat itself but in different places. When I asked her about it she came up with all kind of excuses saying tha she never ment to make feel bad all this time and that my mistake did not change our relationship and that was something else, work, school stress etc. So I asked her why she held it on me all this time, she didn't know what to say.I am very upset with her right now, I dont want to have anything with her anymore I feel like she have lied to me all this time. she knew how I was feeling respect my mistake, but she just used it against me.I dont know what to do, just forget abut it, do the same that she did to me? Please some advice.Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): I think the main mistake you made here was assuming this argument had any logic to it. Women are more concerned with feelings and intuition so expecting logic out of an argument was pointless. I'm sure you've heard this plenty of times. As an example, when a girl says shes not mad when she is, or that she doesn't like you when she does. Most guys are usually forward about things and debate things rationally, not based on feelings, so they don't understand. You should focus more on how she acts or says things, and less on what she is actually saying.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009): I get the feeling that you two are arguing and fighting about "topics" like porn, when the issue is that you don't feel that she loves and respects you.
You started a discussion about finding the porn on her lap top and that you don't know how she could hide that from you when she blamed your porn watching for all the problems in the marriage.
She tried to tell you that she did not blame you that it was her own stress or life that was beating her down, she said she didn't mean to upset you, and you won't accept what she is telling you know or accept her apology or explanation, you are discounting it and saying she is making excuses.
You have believed all this time that she blames you for the problems in your marriage, based on one argument where she made that statement. Sometimes people say things in anger that they don't mean and are so far off the mark it is ridiculous.
What the two of you need to work on is how to fight fair, how to come to emotional closure, agree to disagree and be able to move on and not throw these things back in each other's faces. You both are at fault because you are wanting the other one to give in and change and admit fault. Well it seems she has tried to meet you haalf way on this topic, but the issue is still that you don't think she loves and respects you....so I can see her frustration and telling you it is up to you to do what you want to do, she's already told you how she feels about things.
It is a myth that all topics and issues in a marriage are solvable, about 90% are not solvable. You just have to hear the other guy's side, come to agreement, kiss and make up and move on. This constant you did this, so I am so hurt I am going to do this back to you is childish. It is this kind of attitude of fighting and not playing fair with your spouse that is ruining your marriage, it isn't the topic of porn....it is your refusal to come to agreement to agree to disagree even and to let it go, forgive, get over it and get on with life.
Talk about your dreams for the future and how you are going to set goals to get there. Stop fighting about sex ans making sex a battleground. Your relationship is supposed to be a soft place to fall at the end of a stressful day, your safe haven and instead you are choosing to enter into a power struggle with your life.
It is your choice to stop.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): Thanks for all the coment. We have no kids, and I did talk to her about watching it together, but she said to me that doesn't like watch porn with me, I guess she likes it on her own.
I am hurt, I told her about how I am feeling and how hurt Im, and she told me that its up ti me what I want to do. Anyways I feel like she wasn't honest with me the whole time, and what makes me really mad was that she held that against me for years, making me feel guilty for every single problem in this relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): I don't think this problem is about porn. Not as much as many of the porn questions on this website are.
The issue is that she "threw shit in his face" for something that she was secretly doing at the same time. This is a problem of fairness & respect.
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A
female
reader, LadyCorsair  +, writes (8 November 2009):
 First of all, you need to evaluate your situation...Are you both happy in your marriage, or is the consistent arguing one of you looking for a way out? You both need to sit down and make sure this relationship is what you both want, and sort out everything that starts arguments. Once you've crossed that bridge, you can look at the porn issue...I agree with Rhythmandblues2 that you should both come to an agreement whether or not porn is ok first of all. It's obvious that you both enjoy it, so there's no reason to stop watching it.Why don't you suggest watching it together? It's a very erotic experience! Make porn a happy reference... i.e. last time we watched it we had amazing sex, rather than wondering if you remembered to delete your Internet history. I hope that helps,Lady Corsair xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): I think you both need to grow up and either decide that your use of porn is OK, or it isn't and make a pact not to view porn on the internet.
But to throw something in someone's face just because they did it to you is childish.
Just get over the past fights, find some emotional closure and move on.
Or end your marriage over something stupid. Do you have kids? If you do, your kids deserve parents who do not fight loudly or in front of them and who can learn to fight fair and parents who do not threaten divorce just becuase they are mad or angry or got their feelings hurt.
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