A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need advice, should I leave my husband or stay with him and live in eternal pain after his affair, which happened last summer? I will never forget what he did to me and our daughter. I found a text from his tutor at work saying night babe i love you. So obviously he had told her he loved her for her to be texting him that. Anyway they had an emotional affair, and I can't get over it, how will I know if I'm living with a man that loves me or a man that wishes he was with someone else. She has a partner and also a child. We were like best friends before it happened. I admit I wasn't happy before it either as we were growing apart due to we had recently moved house back to our home country and we were finding our feet, but I would never cheat as I have morals and beliefs of right and wrong. He has been really affectionate since and says he could never live without me and cries when I say we should split up but how do I know he really loves me or he is just too scared to leave. During the time of affair he always stuck up for her etc. as he knew I suspected.HELP -- I am going mad here!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): I can empathize with you, as I've been through something very similar, although in my husband's case, it was a coworker. I actually broke up with him, but we got back together, and have moved leaps and bounds since the incident happened, but there are still moments when I stop and think whether our whole relationship is just a facade. I sometimes think (in a very paranoid way) whether he's just with me because he's afraid to be alone. On rare occasions when I'm reminded of the incident, I still have raging outbursts.
However, there are things that have helped me to move on from this incident. First, when I broke up with him, he did everything to gain my trust and forgiveness in order to win back. Like your husband, mine is now more affectionate, thoughtful, and considerate. He also reassures me constantly whenever I feel pangs of insecurity and resentment. And I also think that it helped us greatly that he allowed me to express my anger (he still does), and has never stopped apologizing (not by mere words alone). I can really feel his sincerity. I really gave him hell after the incident, and it didn't seem to weaken his resolve to win me back.
On my part, I've also tried to be more patient and forgiving, which is obviously not an easy thing to do. We have tried to reassess all the factors that came into play before the incident... it's a long story... but anyway.. we're working on it. You BOTH need to spend time and energy to make a committed relationship work. However, while it does "take two to tango" as they say, I firmly believe that you have every right to feel anger, doubt, and resentment, and that your husband SHOULD make a real effort to gain your trust back and reassure you of his love and his commitment to your relationship, because YOU are the aggrieved party. While you are not completely guiltless, blameless, and faultless, he needs to acknowledge the fact that he has hurt and betrayed you, and almost jeopardized your family, and make up for it. There will definitely be things that you could have done differently or should work on, but how you're feeling at the moment is only natural. It's easier to forgive than to forget. You also need to acknowledge that you are hurting, before you can move forward. It will definitely take time, but it can work (I'm telling you this from experience).
Good luck to you and stay strong.
P.S. It also helped me that I was certain that nothing physical/sexual ever happened. I think it would have been a different story had it been more than an emotional affair.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): i actually don't think it was only an emotional affair but also a sexual one as well. don't be fooled by his apparent over affection now, adulterers all have the same modus operandi - they create this perception that all is well at home. so if you don't trust him right now you know you have good reasons why. don't also be fooled into thinking his crying menas anything- what it means is that he got caught. that all. please do not let him fool you anymore.
although i sounded too negative in the above, you can try to salvage this. if you want. but he should not have any contact with his lover anymore. you need to tell him this. he must also choose HER OR YOU. SIMPLE. THERE SHOULD BE NO DRAMA ABOUT THIS. no telphone calls, texts, lunch dates. and yes if it means checking his cell, his laptop etc then do it. if it means treating him like a common criminal, then so be it. she had a child and a partner. how do you feel about letting her partner know that she was doing the dirty with your man. many women want to take the moral high groung and say what will that achieve - it will achieve what you want it to, meaning a complete STOP to the continuing affair or it would mean that your man and her leave the both partners and shack up together. in your scenario this is highly unlikely. so what do you have to lose. her man needs to know . and you should tell him.
tell him to choose NOW. and plse don't leave anything to chance. if you suspect him again then tell him its all over. all you need is an element of doubt, and then he has to leave. you do not want to waste yrs before he decides to leave for another woman. you be the master player in this relationship and you dictate the rules. nOW or else he will mess with you again. be firm and decisive when dealing with him.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): i wrote this question, i ment me and my husband were best friends before the affair not the woman. He stuck up for her when i called her a slut etc and he said dont talk about her like that you dont even know her. I confronted them by i took the phone off him in the middle of him looking at the message from her. Then i phoned her but she denied it saying they were just messing about. How will i know if it is me he loves more and not her. He said getting involved with her was the biggest regret of his life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): hi i am the one who asked the question. I think i have typed it wrong. The woman who he had an affair with wasnt my best friend, she was his coworker. I ment to write me and my husband were best friends before this. He defended her when i called her a slut etc, he said dont say that you dont even know her. I know nothing has went on since i confronted them both, i phoned her and she just said they were messing around. I know for sure he is not contacting her now based on things from his work and my gut feeling is gone now. I dont know if he loves me more and realised what he could have lost or if he still pines for her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): OMG I thought I was just reading about MY LIFE!!! I went through this 2 years ago.. the girl was not a good friend of mine but I knew her... And I will say my husband and I are now celebrating our 8th anniversary together this coming Tuesday! I left my husband over it... Mainly just for the fact of it... I asked him to stop talking to her and he wouldn't... So I packed up Myself and OUR 4 KIDS and left... He soon realized what was going on and knew I was not kidding about not putting up with it... I told him that I loved him but I was not putting myself through the emotional crap anymore and I needed to get my our feelings and life straigt... Maybe you need to do that.. Get away and get your own feelings about him and the situation straight... Since then I found out the feelings were one sided on my husbands part (so a little diffrent then your situation) And I am now best friends with the girl.... I wish you lots of luck... If he truly loves you he will prove it and pouting ad begging isn't it BUT you will know it if it is right....
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A
female
reader, taytayshortie1995  +, writes (31 May 2009):
i think you should dump him...if i was in a relationship and that happened i would scoot his butt out of there to! Also remember, you are still young and there are plenty of people out there wanting love! If he care about you taht much, he wouldnt be having a affair at all! So i tell you to dump his ass!
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A
female
reader, lola16182  +, writes (31 May 2009):
Men guilty of stuff always cry when you take initiative and tell them you are going to leave. There may be a few far and few in between that might be sincere when they cry & want to make things work, but the majority just use this as the "Ultimate Guilt Trip" to try and make you stay. They will cry & tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear, because they know that if they try to sweeten it up enough & you take them back...it basically teaches them that they can do it over and over & that you will take them back so in his mind he is thinking he can get away with it, so why stop there?
Now I was wondering too, did/how did you confront him about it? If he knows that you know...he's going to go the extra mile to hide stuff now that you are on his trail--ie. delete text messages. If he DOESN'T know that you know..you could use this to your advantage to talk to him about stuff & ask him questions regarding his feelings or if there is someone else. Do it in person & watch for their body reactions...do they get nervous? does he make eye contact? does he hesitate or fire back an answer right away. Be aware there are some pathological liars out there that are literally so good they dont hesitate & can look you in the eyes and lie to you.
Anyways good luck! P.S. anyone that can cheat on you--whether its physical or emotional is a loser. You can do so much better than that. You deserve to be with someone that respects you & is there for YOU, not some other chicks on the side. That's not love..that's a jerk.
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A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (31 May 2009):
Clearly you two need to sit down and discuss boundaries together. First you need to calm down a bit so that clear minds can communicate without defenses.
I understand that this is a kick in the wind pipes when he receives such messages and he defends her. By the way, what was it he was defending? Why was he getting emotionally close?
In order to help, we could use a little more detail. But communicating how it made you feel, and how it made you feel insecure that the whole house was coming down and how you fear he might run off, needs to be discussed.
It sounds like he has no interest in leaving you for anyone else "says he could never live without me and cries."
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