A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Iam married and I have two kids. I've been married to Paul for 7 years. I was never really sexualy attracted to him and he never made me feel good when we had sex! I married him because in our religion if the girl doesn't get married young then your considered old. And another reason is because my mom never let me date with other guys besides from our own country! Long story short I met this this guy of my dreams he's American and I love him soooo much. His name is josh I love everything about him. Josh makes me smile and laugh all the time and he is sooo good in bed. I love this men so much that I woud die for him! Anyways my husband found out about Josh and he is very very angry and sad. I feel really bad doing this to Paul because I cheated on him and have two kids from him but I don't love him. Josh loves me too and he wants to merry me and be with me and my kids. I don't know what to do iam really afraid that my kids will hate me for this if I choose Josh over their dad. My husband Paul works and my kids have a nice place to stay at clothes and everything else but I don't love him and I haven't had sex with my husband since I met Josh like I said I can't stand having anything sexual with my husband. Josh doesn't have a job or a car so that's what scares me. And I don't work right now but iam looking for a job that I went to college for. Josh keeps on telling me he will get a job. He can't even afford his own place to live in or most of the time to pay for his cell phone his mom pays for it and he stays at his moms right now! Josh barrowed money from my credit card couple gs and tells me he will give it back wich I don't see how he can't afford anything at all! He tells me he loves me very much and he wants live with me! I don't know what to do please someone help me! I just get this feeling that he just wants to live with me so I can support him and cook for him! I don't want my kids to go through he'll and be homeless! The other day he called me so I payed for his motel couple times because his mom kicked him out and he was homeless. Josh wants me to divorce my husband and I don't know what to do I just don't want my kids to suffer! And Josh scares me because he is 13 years older than me and he has nothing. And alot of times he just sleeps day and night! I don't see him wanting a job all. Please someone tell me what to do!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): It sounds like you are in this affair for the sex and the man is having a good time with you, a younger woman who pays for everything!
I feel sorry for your husband. It seems he has done nothing wrong but you are sleeping with someone else and spending money on another man, while he is the provider.
I think you are kidding yourself that you love this man; you are just bowled over by the sex.
Could you work on your marriage, and give this other man up? If you don't, you have a lot to lose. If you work on the problems of your marriage and talk things over, hopefully your sex life will improve. And it will have the strong basis that needs to be there, and not just a sexlife.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): Does you husband still love you? i.e. is he willing to put effort into making you happy?
Does he even know he sucks at sex?
Believe it or not good sex can be learnt. If the sex with your husband becomes great you may even reconsider leaving him.
From the non-sex side Eric Fromm's the art of loving is a great book. Basically we spend 8 houars a day working at our jobs and usually 0 hours a day thinking how to make a relatonship better. Sure we spend a lot of time worrying about relationships but rarely treat it like work and try to actively think of new ways to make it better. We just assume relationships should work and be great without any effort from ourselves. As for sex say a friend recommended such and such a sex book and don't be shy about telling him what works for you and what doesn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Thank you everyone! I ended with Josh! I really don't know what I was thinking. But Iam glad I did this before I dragged my kids through he'll. I won't do this ever again and trust me Iam not proud of what I did! I will straighten my life out! Thankyou so much everyone for your advise!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): Well, from a guy's perspective, I'd say this is a no-brainer.Go for the guy with no job, who borrows money from you, who is not working, who has a mother who he leached off till she kicked him out, who sleeps day and night, who doesn't even manage to keep a car in a country where you can hardly live without one.Why?"he is sooo good in bed. I love this men so much that I woud die for him!"That's why, because you will die for him, your marriage is dying for him, your family is dying for him, and you are going to destroy yourself for him.He must be awesome in bed....really. It must make us mere mortals who work, who take care of our kids, who clean house and wash clothes and dishes, look shamefully inadequate. I hope my wife never meets Josh.By the way, your children will hate you for the rest of your life if you do this, and Josh and you will ruin their childhood.Get a marriage counselor, and irregardless of what you do with your marriage you need to get rid of Josh, you are seriously addicted to a guy who is "no good for nothing" but sex.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 December 2010):
 I'm sorry, but you must be an idiot.
honey, stop thinking with what's below the belt and GROW up. You CHOSE to marry and have children with a man you don't love because of your cultural/religious background, yet you ALSO chose to stray from your marriage with someone who is a TOTAL loser.
I get it, the sex at home sucks, there is no love. I'm not saying you HAVE to stay with your husband, but to drag you kids away from a stable home to move in with some out of job, don't even have a home or car dude, JUST so you can have good sex? That is ridiculous!
If you are unhappy in your marriage, get your ducks in a row, find a job, save up money, move out and divorce your husband. Then and ONLY THEN can you look for a new man in your life.
Right now YOU don't even have a job. WHO is going to provide for the kids? Certainly not Josh... Your husband? Where would you live? With Josh's mom?
Sorry if it seems like I'm hard on you, but I can not stand cheater or mother's who put themselves and their libido before the welfare of their kids.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Now isn't the time to act out a teenage rebelliousness. It is not age appropriate... nor is it situationally appropriate. You are now a mother and.. no matter what you may delude yourself over... THAT is you ONLY priority now. You cannot be sleeping around with loser deadbeats because the sex is good... AND think about dragging your kids around with you... subjecting them to the crazy lifestyle of living in hotels, being homeless, etc... because he's a great lay. That is just plain sick, immature, and ridiculous.
You are no longer free to do as you please. Cross your legs and think with your mind. Apply maturity and discipline. Your children deserve better from you than you dragging them around with every great sex partner you find. Do you see where this is heading?
Sorry, but when you became a mother... you ended your freedom to follow your hormones. Period.
It doesn't matter whether you love their father or not. What on earth does that have to do with doing the right, moral, and responsible thing? If you don't want to be married to the man you are married to then get a divorce... you don't need to have another sex partner lined up to pick up the slack and to keep you company. Don't do that to your children. Get your life under control and make a decision concerning your marriage... and GROW UP. You are someone's mother... children do not need a mother who is acting like a teenager... they need a mother.
Stop seeing this guy because he is using you... he is playing you. End it now. Get into therapy and find out where you are going with your life.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 December 2010):
What on EARTH are you thinking!? Seriously, what are you doing!
This is just about the single most irresponsible thing I've ever heard of.
Okay, the marriage is dead. You obviously had a religious requirement to get married, and you had to do it. That I can understand.
But to have an affair with an unemployed man, to LEND HIM MONEY that you and your husband have earned, and to seriously believe all the rubbish that this Josh is talking is truly irresponsible.
Your kids will certainly hate you. But not because you hurt their Dad. They will hate the fact that you have taken them from a secure home to poverty.
Please, please, PLEASE wake up. Josh is using you for money. He doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you. He just wants your money. And he's getting it. If you go with Josh, you will wind up homeless, and your kids will go and live with their Dad.
You cannot seriously leave your husband, take your kids and go live with a bum. You can't. You're a mother, and your responsibility is to offer your kids the best chance you can. That means you don't take them to live with a man like Josh.
You asked what to do. This is what you do
1 - End it with Josh. He offers you nothing. No security, no home, no car, no love, no nothing. He just wants your money. If you go with him and you have no home, your husband will be able to take the kids with him, and you will have nothing.
2 - Whatever happens, end your marriage. You don't love or respect your husband at all, and it would be cruel of you to continue with this marriage. Get good advice, and focus entirely on the divorce and your kids.
But for God's sake, don't go to Josh. He will have all your money, and you'll end up homeless without a future, and without your kids.
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A
male
reader, Mig29  +, writes (3 December 2010):
you have got yourself in a fine mess, its best you stay away from Josh, I am surprised that your husband has not thrown you out of his house.
If you follw josh then you are walking a path to hell from which you will not be able to come back.
The way Josh looks at it is that once the divorce happens he shall take your part of the share (read money) and be with you till the money runs out and then find another sucker like you
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