A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need advice on whether to end my marriage of 20 years. I have 2 kids, age 11 and 14. I am a Stay at Home Mom. My husband does not initiate sex, has no interest in sex but keeps me around. Probably to do the housework and childcare. Strange thing is if I initiate he will do it most of the time. I feel bad. Like an unwanted undesirable freak. To give you a brief background here are the specifics. Husband has long commute to work in new job. Not a lot of time for himself. I just don't know why he keeps pushing me away? I told him this would happen, the more he rejects me the more I feel bad and I won't want him any more. It has gotten to that point. I feel he doesn't love me to behave this way. I also wonder if he is gay or getting it from someone else? I did catch him 7 years ago looking at transexual porn on the internet. Really freaked me out.I told him we should try and spice up our sex life-that didn't mean jerking off to tranny porn. OMG. What to do? I really hate him for all of this but mostly I hate myself for marrying such an asshole. He used to be a great father but the fact that he isn't doing anything to save his marriage makes me want him less and less. I don't want my kids growing up in a broken home but what options do I have? I seem to be the only one trying to save our marriage. Please any advice is greatly appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. The more i think about it the more I realize what's at the root of this issue. He's going through a mid life crisis. His not initiating sex, jerking off to tranny porn, etc. is just a piece of what's going on here. I'm not sure how long this will last but I know myself. I can't exist like this forever. I need to see some signs of improvement from him. I need to see an effort. I can't live this way for the rest of my life. The humiliation, rejection, lack of attention. It is as if I am alone even though I'm married. Might as well get the benefits of being alone. I'm going to give it one last try to make this marriage work but honestly, I don't think it will. He's already told me he can't (I say won't) change who he is. This is it. Hope he finds what he wants. A woman (or tranny) who doesn't want sex, will serve as the help and never communicate her feelings. A robot with zero expectations. I hear mail order brides are not what they used to be. :-)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): Men can be quite oblivious. He probably doesn't realise anything is wrong.
Firstly, try talking to him openly and honestly. His not initiating sex with you isn't about your attractiveness. It's likely because of the long commute you mentioned, the working hours, the stress of work.
You also mentioned that he doesn't have a lot of time to himself. If he is an introvert like I am then he NEEDS time alone to recharge. If he isn't getting that then he will feel more and more drained until feels like a robot.
So yes, talk to him about how you're feeling. Ask him how he is feeling. Tell him you want to fix things. Take a holiday with just the two of you and don't even make it about sex. Just have a weekend where you relax together and go on a date and just exist.
If that doesn't work then maybe the two of you should see a counselor. A marriage counselor is a good idea for most marriages. They aren't just about "fixing" marriages, but about helping each person to communicate better, about learning to love each other in better ways, and about having a "safe place" in which you can say things.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 First thing you should do is talk to him. Let him know how unhappy you are, and that you're at the point where you want to end the marriage if things don't change. Don't be accusatory or give him an ultimatum. I mean just let him know how serious the situation is. If he listens to you and is prepared to try and make things work, then great you can start looking at things like couples therapy, or taling to a doctor in case his low libedo is something medical.If he won't listen, or won't change then I think you should consider your options very carefully. I'm not going to suggest you do something as huge as end your marriage, only you can know if that is an option for you. But just imagine how you will feel in five years from now and nothing's changed. Or in ten years and nothings changed.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (13 November 2012):
 Hi
Its clear your not happy with the situation.You don't say how long he has not wanted sex either.If its since the new job he could just be plain exhausted,starting a new job is stressful enough., a long commute drains you.
If its been years of him being off sex then it goes deeper. As you have tried to talk and got nowhere then you should let him know now just how bad things are and that you are ready to leave/divorce him.
Being a single parent is hard work, you have to consider the financial side,will you be able to get a job,childcare,plus coping with 2 children alone after the divorce.Weigh everything up,then if its what you need to do for your happiness, start making plans and seeing a lawyer.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, citadel  +, writes (13 November 2012):
SAVE YOURSELF. You're going to have to get off the "marriage" kick.I mean, forget about thinking the "marriage" is the glue that makes you guys tick. You're going to have to stop making excuses, works late, kids, house slave.. whatever. He's not responsible for you in your "marriage". Grab your booty and give it a shake. Grab your life and do amazing things with it. The power of attraction comes from within, from doing amazing things, from catching your star, from finding your bliss. Your sex life is there, but are you? Re-invent YOUR life and SAVE YOURSELF.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2012): "I don't want my kids growing up in a broken home but what options do I have?"
One option would be for your kids to grow up in a home with a mother who is actively involved in their daily lives and genuinely concerned about their emotional well-being and long-term futures instead of treating them like afterthoughts while constantly bitching and moaning about not getting laid unless she initiates sex with her self-described asshole husband, whose merits as a father are apparently directly proportional to the frequency with which he bangs his ever-complaining, ever-unsatisfied wife.
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