A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem and I don`t know what to do. I`m in a relationship and we have been living together for 3 years, some time ago we also got engaged. He is a really great man and I love him a lot, but not a way I should. I have been feeling this way for over a year, I don`t have any passion for him anymore. I can stand when he touches me. I know he loves me a lot and it would hurt a lot if I leave him. He thinks we will stay together for ever. I have hoped that this is just a phase for me and it will pass but i can`t see it happening. I hate myself for that. Another really annoying thing is that I have deeply fallen in love with my boyfriends best friend. I have liked him for really long time, but first i thought it was just because we are so similar, but lately this feeling has grown so strong that i find it almost impossible to avoid. Sometimes I feel that this friend feels the same way, but I`m not sure. At times I feel like he is just the person I was made for. Though he is really loyal person and I don`t know if he could betray a friend like that. First question is should I leave my boyfriend and secondly - should i tell about my feelings to his best friend? I think that if he doesn`t feel the same then I have put him in a really uncomfortable situation. Sorry for my mistakes, English is not my native language.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 March 2008):
 I think this is a question you need to answer. These questions if you make a mistake in which way you go needs to be your mistake and the accountability of that mistake.
I will offer this. There's a big difference between lust, attraction, desire, these growing feelings and love. I don't think you're there yet, with either of them. When you are, there will be no mistaking it. No questioning what to do. Now with him and his best friend. Love also would not ask for any such betrayal, because love trumps desire.
Now, why you stopped "loving" the person you're with. Well if it was true love, it's because you chose to stop. That's where most, I believe mess up. Confusing love with feelings. Associating sex, desire, and lust with love. Love is a choice. How you're relationships are with another is a choice. They don't just happen, they're created to succeed or fail, by what the people do within it. Now why people confuse them. It's easier. Why spend years seeking out the "one", when it's easier to have awesome sex, or play house and call it love. Finding the one takes time and patience, where the other can be done with 1 out of every 5 to 7 individuals of the opposite sex.
With reading your question, do one thing before you make a decision. Get a piece of paper and answer this question. If you were to design someone, personalities, behavior, likes, dislikes, etc. that you "know" and not "question" you could be with for the next 60 years, what would that design look like. You won't find what you're looking for, until you know what that is.
Take care.
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