A
male
age
41-50,
*uy27
writes:Hi everyone!Sorry for this long text, but I want you to understand my situation better, so I can get a better advice, I need it!I have been having this problem for a while now and desperately need advice.I am a 27 yr old guy and my gf is a year older then me. We have been toghether for 10 years.When we first met she just got out of a bad relationship with her ex. He was sending messages, calling her and even threathing the both of us.I was ready to kick his a**, but she wanted me to stay away and said he will eventually stop trying to get me back. As I did. Three months in our relation she told me she has had an abortion with him, mainly because he was cheating on her with multiple women. It was her first boyfriend and she told me this gave her some issues regarding sex. I showed her sex is not the most important thing in the relationship, love comes first.The first time we had sex was after about 8 months, I was used to having sex on a regular basis but loved her a lot and was willing to wait for her. When we did have sex the first time she was always in pain ( i don't have a big one, her ex was maybe 2 times my size) and this went on for a couple a months.This caused me to have sex less frequent because she was always hurt. I can really get off on hard sex but this only goes if the woman is enjoying it also. Because of this we had a lot of conversations. I really wanted to know her sexual needs, her likes and dislikes, so I can make her like it too.I found it hard to have sex with the woman I love more than anything in the world. Especially after hearing after a couple a minutes to 'hurry up' while she is still in pain. I told her it made me feel really bad because I don't want to hurt her for my own needs.I went down on her everytime we had sex, she didn't do the same for me. This was no problem for me because at least I saw an improvement in our sex life.Up until now 10 yrs later I have always tried everything to let her enjoy the sex. Through a lot of talking I found out a fantasy of hers is a threesome MFM I like the idea as well just as a fantasy. Also she told me she likes it hard sometimesShe also always tells me that she didn't like sex before, and because of me she likes it a lot more, because I tried every time we have sex to focus on her needs instead of mine.Well the problem is 10 yrs later the quality of the sex is better now (compared to the crying while having sex and not wanting any)but the quantity sucks big time. Sometimes once a week mostly in the weekends and sometimes less. I brought this subject up many times but nothing changes and I am getting desperate. In the past when we just started living together I did the dishes everyday and made us dinner everyday. Even though I had a very heavy physical job for 8 to 9 hours a day. She never made me my breakfast or anything like that. Well I did a lot of stuff for her but the one thing I wanted her to improve on was still unchanged. That has been the reason for me to stop doing these things for her until I see her improvements. (I now think this wasn't a good idea, but hey I was all out of ideas by then!)Nowadays we have more fights then sex! When we argue she tells me I first have to do this and that etc. etc. And eventually she will change too. She doesn't understand that I don't believe that anymore, after these 10 yrs. I have always been hoping for more and as long as there are things I can do make it better for her I can atleast work on something. But instead I feel unwanted and alone. When she gets home from work she can talk for hours about her job and I listen, but never any word about sex or an initiating sex from her side. When she's done talking the TV goes on and that's is. I AM BORED OUT OF MIND!I was so sure I was going to marry this girl, but I don't have the feeling it will get better.She always gets it when she wants, and I have to wait for those days. (I would like it everyday, but can settle with 2 a week)I am thinking about leaving her, because I tried everything I could think of with no improvements.So I would really like some advice on what you would do in this situation?Have I done something wrong? Are all women like this and don't want sex as often? Experience from other in the same situation and how you handled it or how are you going to handle it?Oh and please don't just say I have to romance her more or I have to do this and that, blah blah blah!Really I hate it when when 2 adults have a problem "TOGETHER" somehow the male always has to just think about her and not the other way around.For me it is I do for you (and I would do everything) you do for me!Thanks in advance for your advice!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): The feelings you feel about sexual incompatibility are valid ones, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Sex once a week, especially if it is scheduled or routine, is not enough for many people...and it is more than enough for others. She needs to work with you. It is an area of extreme frustration for you, and if she is vested in the relationship as much as you are, she will work on what is bothering you. Compromise is perhaps the most important thing in any LTR. You probably won't get it every day, but you said 2x a week would be OK...well, maybe she can compromise and help you with that 2x a week.Listen...I had these same feelings with my ex wife, and it was a major cause for the failure of my marriage and 20 year friendship. Don't let it fester. Talk to her and even consider couples counseling. At least if it fails, you will walk away knowing you both did everything possible.I think where many sexual incompatibilities lead to major problems, is when one of the two people fail to recognize the importance of sex in a relationship. If either of you treat it as a chore, something "dirty", or something that is a "reward" for good behaviour, it will be an act rather than the deep, intimate bonding it should be. For me, it was an absolutely critical way to bond with my wife...regardless of what stresses or obstacles life threw between us, I could always count on sex pulling us back to the intimacy we both needed to feel whole in our relationship. When it slowed and became routing and "chore-like", it killed the connection, and in turn, killed the relationship (along with other things). Don't let it happen. Sex or a lack thereof should NOT be the determining cause of the failure of a relationship...but it can be the achilles heel if it goes untreated.
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male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 May I suggest that you show her your posting on here and all the answers you have received?
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male
reader, Guy27 +, writes (8 April 2011):
Guy27 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advise! First of all I would like to say my gf isn't really selfish if I look at the whole picture. It is mainly the sex part that bothers me because it's never something she takes seriously. Over a ten year period multiple conversations but nothing ever changes even if she said it will.The fact is I really love her very much and I know she loves me very much too. She is kinda like my best friend... well she is actually. I like to be around her and do the things we like to do togheter. I trust her like I never trust nobody and in ten yrs she never gave me a reason not to. But it is always like my mood is dependent on sex. And doesn't really have to be sex sex. It's just I want to be acknowledged as more then just a friend. I want to know and feel she is sexually attracted to me as well. I don't really feel that need for me sexually.I can see I get enough attention from other girls, I'm not an ugly guy. But I want her attention not theirs.She is a very sweet girl and if I made it look that she isn't it's purely from a frustrated sexual point of view.I know most people say....leave her! But it's hard because I can not really complain about any other things(maybe some minor things, but nobody is perfect).To make such an decision based solely on sex makes me feel like an ass to do that......but at the same time a lifetime this way sexually or even less makes me feel the same way.I noticed there are a lot of women with this issue I have and I just wish my girl could be like that. I have talked a lot to her and gave that up for a couple of months. I will talk to her but I think it's best to wait for a moment I have my own thoughts sorted out. Because the whole subject can make me angry inside and I don't wanna talk angry to her because I feel frustrated.So I will talk to her and try to really get it through if I wasn't already clear the other times.But I made up my mind this time I will talk with her and then leave it alone for a couple of months.If she doesn't change....I guess I will have my answer and future perspective. And would make both of us unhappy!Thanks again for the replies!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): Wow. Its really refreshing to see this post, to be reminded that there are people who do exist like this:"For me it is I do for you (and I would do everything) you do for me!"You very clearly love her. You demonstrate that with 10 long years of (and im sure agonizing)patience. Istead of resorting to affairs,cheating or porn (like so many do), you have taken the initiative to pour your life into hers, which is how it should be. You have also put a lot of studious detail into helping her to overcome her hang ups, which again should be commended. Most people would have turned their backs a long time ago. It is rare, what you are doing with her, rare what you both have and maybe not even know it. I am not sure if you understand the enormity of what I am trying to say, but something tells me if you were to walk away, you both would be shattered beyond repair. You were able to discover that she likes it hard. Perhaps she also likes the idea of sex being out of her hands but entirely in yours?
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male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (8 April 2011):
She won't change and now she is using sex as a bargaining counter - the worst thing possible in a relationship.She is selfish and unappreciative and you have done extremely well to have tolerated it for so long.Seek your comforts elsewhere, and if she doesn't like it, she knows what she has to do - offer you some intimacy and love: and yes, sex!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): This sounds like a torture that one cant be himself in a relationship. I was in same position but with my exhusband and made it for 3 years. Look sex is only thing that separates friends and lovers. U can keep her in ur life as a friend if she wants that too, but lifetime this way I dont think is possible, u need someone with libido like yours and she nerds someone like my ex pretty much, Let us know what u decide, Best wishes!!!
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female
reader, yomama65  +, writes (8 April 2011):
 Hi there! First of all, I've gotta say that you sound like an amazing boyfriend! And your actions show that you really love this girl! Unfortunately, it doesn't seem as though your girlfriend reciprocates those feelings, based on her actions. Relationships take work,compromise and communication. Even if she is happy with sex only once a week, she should be willing to work with you to better meet your needs. If not, then she is not really as invested in the relationship as you are. I would let her know exactly what you need from her in order to continue the relationship, and if she refuses, I would recommend that you strongly consider ending it and finding a girl who better suits you! You are too nice of a guy to be so miserable! Best of luck to you!
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reader, Jovan  +, writes (8 April 2011):
 From a male perspective she sounds like a totally depressive kind of woman. I think you should leave her because you did really nice things to her. Very few guys would do such things plus she seems like she doesn't appreciate it at all. There's an old saying, true or not but ''the more we do for them the less they appreciate it'' original Version (the more we have, the less we appreciate). Try and find the hidden answer within the sentence i just wrote.
Leave her and wait for the results. The results will appear within couple of days or maybe weeks. If you see her dating another guy then you'll know that she didn't like you in the first place. If you see a call or mail from her then it would mean that she wants you back.
Good luck
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female
reader, Red HaT Ninja +, writes (8 April 2011):
 Hi You sound like a well rounded guy,who puts her feelings before your own,but after 10 yrs and no change on her behalf you are starting to change your mind.I absolutely agree with you,why should you continue to be the one who tries in the relationship and when you bring it up she blames you.It takes 2 to make it work.I was just the same,my bf [now my husband of 11 yrs] was just like you,he did all the pleasing,all the encouraging,and i still held back.I realised early in that hey this guy really loves me,and if i don't want to lose him i need to rethink what i bring to our relationship. Sex is not the whole reason of a relationship,but it is a major role in it. I believe if 2 people really love each other,then whatever you do privately only enhances that.I do believe that on the whole the guy should please the woman more, but also that if you love your man you would also want to please him.Men have feelings too.So give her an ultimatum, if she does not change,then you know what you should do.You deserve someone who will love you the same way. Hope this helps,keep me posted. xx
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