A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I posted on here a while back and got some great advice. I was seeing a co-worker, but the relationship came to an end and she went back to her ex who was abusive. She stopped having anything to do with me and it got to the point that we didn't even speak to each other. We ended up having a huge row at work and it left me feeling devastated.They split up after only a couple of weeks and she went (and may still be going through) a bit of a crazy period. She seems to be going from man to man and her moods are all over the place. I know that in the last few weeks she's been involved with her ex husband and at least three other men at various times.My problem is that I still care about her, but it's difficult being around her. Until recently I couldn't call her (her ex made her change her number) e-mail (he had changed her password so she could only go on it under supervision!) and we weren't speaking. She's been friendly some days and others would ignore me. I wrote her a letter a few weeks ago, to say that I was worried about her and hoped that she'd get herself some help. I also pointed out what I thought of her ex, and asked if we could remain friends or if she wanted nothing to do with me. She didn't reply.This week we had to work together and I was dreading it. In the end we talked and everything seemed to be ok. She's split with her abusive ex and even gave me her number. I know that things can never go back to how we were, but I can feel myself getting drawn back in. If I txt her, I get upset when she doesn't reply. It seems like just as I was getting over her and starting to move on, that I'm back to where I started. I want to stay on good terms with her, but I'm not sure how to do this. I worry that she's going to screw up her life (and her kids). I know that it's her choice, but it is hard to see someone that you care about making so many bad decisions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): It's no so much that I was struggling with the situation, more that I am now. It was easier when we were keeping our distance, even if that wasn't very pleasant.After we split, she seemed to go wild. She moved back in with her ex within a week of us splitting. He threw her out twice but she still cares about him. In the meantime she saw her ex husband for a while but was also flirting with a bloke she'd met one weekend. She's now met someone else and is talking about quitting her job and moving to the other side of the country.She's been very distant with me, and at one point actually had me in tears. At other times she'll be friendly. I asked her to make her mind up as to what she wanted from me because the ups and downs were killing me. I even told her that I would be happy to keep away from her and have a word at work to make sure that we didn't have to work together. She ignored me until this week, when she decided that she would like to stay on good terms with me.I think that she's a damaged person, but I do care what happens to her and her children. I know that we can never be together, because I don't think I'd ever trust her again. I want to see her happy and settled, but all I can see at the moment is that she's out of control. She did talk about getting into therapy, but I don't think she'll do it.It's a messy situation, but it does help to talk about it on here. Thanks for your answers.
A
female
reader, dijoyful +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Hi again, i replied to your dilemma a few weeks ago, im sorry your still struggling with the situation, i still stand by my oringinal advice to not spend anymore time on this lady but you seem to be fixated on helping her at the exspence of your own happiness and peace of mind. You will never be happy in this and she will cause you more heartache, please try and detatch yourself from your need to be her 'knight in shining armour'. Concentrate on meeting other woman who would apprieciate a loving, caring, devoted man such as yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): Bravo Priyanka09! Good advice.
We've all been there. We've all made the mistake of trying to be friends with an ex right away. Especially when it was a good break up. But that's precisely what it is; a MISTAKE. Everyone needs a good amount of time to mourn the lost of that someone who was everything to us. No matter how much you still care for her though, you should care for youself and your emotional well being even more. It's okay to be selfish now. She's gonna do what she wants and you have no control over that. You only have control over your own actions. So what are you going to do now?
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A
female
reader, Priyanka09  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Hey,
I went through what you have written here.
To start with, Ill say that I do understand its natural for you to still worry about her, even when you know how she is. Its human for us to feel for someone. Infact id say you can give yourself a pat on your back to love someone selflessly. Thats also a big thing. Your love or whatever your feelings for her is pure and unconditional. This is in itself is a great feeling to feel. Having said that, Id suggest that, the more youll try to get close to her or speak to her, the more shed want to get away from you the moment she gets someone else. I understand your concern, but in the process it might hurt you a lot to see her leaving you again. At the moment, you may feel the need to just be friends with her. But the moment you become friends with her, all your inside feelings which you have supressed and has not gone, will start coming out. See these feelings still exist which is why you still wish the best for her, and has not completely moved on. I would suggest you to probably drop the idea of becoming friends with her again coz this might again lead to a heartbreak for you. She probably is not the one for you. There is someone else there...You just need to look for the right person. But at the same time, if you find it too difficult to move on and you have a desperate need to be friends with her, do that at your own risk and caution. Please be always prepared for her to leave you at any point of time. You may want to help her, but you also need to know if she really needs your help?
I hope I have not hurt your feelings anywhere, but I just want to add that its always good to love someone but its best to get love someone who can love you in return.
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