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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A few years ago I fell into hard times and began escorting. I did it for 2 years off and on and just enough to get by. I eventually quit and have since than went back to working a real job and a normal life for a few yeArs now. A few months ago I met a guy and everything was going great. The only problem was I didn't know how to continue in the relationship without being honest of my past so I told him. I know it's a hard thing to deal with hearing that someone you love could do that to themselves but I don't know what to do at this point. He's asked for space and said he doesn't think he could ever look at me without those horrible images coming to his head. We've never had issues before and if never cheated or even wanted to go back to my old lifestyle. I've let him be but I don't know where to go from here as I don't know what's going on with us and I don't want to overwhelm him either with questions. Should I just wait it out till he contacts me or should I just deal with the fact that he may just not be able to pursue something with me anymore.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): Why do people say "Everyone has a past"? Is it just because they want to feel better about their own mistakes? That's cute and reassuring but it does not hold up to common sense. We might as well be listening to murderers say "Everyone has killed a few people now and then" when confronted with other people's negative reactions. (Prostitution is far from murder but that is beside the point I am making.) Everyone has a "past" but not everyone has a past they feel uncomfortable revealing. Sexual or otherwise. Millions of people don't mind telling everything they have done. Millions of others literally just don't have anything in their past that upsets their partner.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Deal breakers are deal breakers, whether it's in the past, present or future. You should always give people the respect and the appropriate information, so that they can decide whether or not they will accept the whole you and your baggage. Why would you want to be with someone, knowing in the back of your mind, if you were to tell them about that one rough period in your life, they may bolt? How shitty would it be to know you did something in your past and if it came out, the person you love may never look at you the same way again, or even worse - leave you? Why have that over your head when you can simply be honest? That way, they will accept you for who you are, both present and past. No stress, no worries, no deceit.If everyone were to adopt the "hey it's in the past, it's none of your business" mentality, what is it that we can share? What if you were going through a "stage in life" where you cheated on all your partners because you were not ready to commit and had an unhealthy outlook on relationships? Why tell your partner now, they don't have the right to know. You're different; your outlook has changed; it's in the past! Why should they know? Or if you had two failed marriages. You didn't have kids and you're not in touch with the exes now. Why tell someone about your 3 divorces, it's none of their business. You made three poor choices and you learned from them, so why tell anyone? Or how about that one time when you stole that 65 year old lady's purse? You never got caught and there is no record of it. You were in a bad financial situation and had to do what you had to do. It's in the past, so why would should you tell your future spouse?In essence, it's fancy bullshit. We don't want people to judge us nor do we want their perception of us to change as a result. Everyone has done some shitty things. It still doesn't erase it from existence though. The fact that he has chosen to not take some time off only goes to show how important the past is. The person with the baggage doesn't get to decide nor should they decide how their partner's should feel about their past by brushing over it. They don't get to choose their partner's deal breakers. Being an escort, even in the past, is a deal breaker for many guys. Not all, but many. And to never speak of it, knowing very well that it may be a deal breaker, is a very selfish, deceptive practice. There is no spinning that one any other way.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Good for you for being honest. Congrats for that!
As painful as it is you did the right thing… the reason it’s the right thing…. Because if he found out without you telling him (from going through papers or someone somehow saying something) he would feel deceived and he would question what other things you had not told him.
Yes, it’s the past… and details do not matter…. If he starts asking for details that’s not his business…. Agreed. But our past makes us who we are in our present….
But to be honest I can see both points of view. I had many partners before ending up with my husband. Probably about as many as you had as an escort but I was a swinger and in “the lifestyle” so it was a bit different. I was honest about the amount but not the details and he is fine with that. He was honest with me about his use of escorts before he met me and his FWB buddies… and I was fine with that… I don’t ask and he does not tell… Generalities are fine.
How long were you dating before you told him? When did you tell him and how long has it been since you told him? As Cerberus said if it’s only been a few days, I’d let it go after about a week of NC and then contact him to talk. He may need more time to process this than you thought. And he may say NO at first but then after time moves on he may change his mind…
Hugs to you OP for doing something so hard….
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): "But what if her BF had found out some other way and then blown up because he felt deceived? People would be saying "He had the right to know since you were getting serious.""
Actually I wouldn't. People don't have a right to know all our dirty little secrets, it's a privilege we give to people, no one has a right to anything like that.
We all have a past, we've all done some shitty things in our past none of us are saints. My fiancée of 7 years doesn't know every bad thing I've done in my life and she doesn't want to know all those things either. No one has a "right" to know every single detail of your past, the right to privacy supersedes that and the only time it doesn't is if it's relevant to the relationship. For example I'd want to know any woman I dated was a serial cheater because that's relevant to me, because it means the chances are high she will cheat on me. Escorting is not relevant as long as she's disease free, I do not want to know and if I find out then at least I know she was trying to protect my love for her, trying to make sure her past doesn't spoil what we have and rightly so because I'm not with an escort, I'm with the woman she is now.
She wasn't lying to me, it was none of my business.
The fact is this, if you feel you need to tell people the bad things in your past then they're not the past then, they're the present and have too much of an effect on your life in my opinion.
I have an awesome relationship and I'm not holding any secrets that she'd want to know, there is no one in anyone's life that knows every single one of your dirty secrets, we all have secrets we will take to the grave and we have great relationships because of that. My fiancée would never want to know what I did when I was young, stupid, willing to try any and all new experiences, or the depraved things I had to do when alone in a foreign country with no money, no food and no place to stay. She's a psychologist by profession and she'd think that negative things hold too much importance in my life and she'd worry about what that means for us. We agreed from the very beginning that we'd only divulge what was relevant, that we had our right to privacy in terms of our past and to me my past is irrelevant, it's gone, done and over with. Sure, you should feel like you can talk about anything with your partner and I know I can that doesn't mean you should at all, I know I can tell her anything and she'll understand but she expects me to protect her image of who I am and what our relationship is. She wants to be able to focus on who I am now without the mental image of me eating people's leftovers in McDonald's, shacking up with heroin addicts just to have a roof over my head, waking up to find I was the only left in the squat with the corpse of one of them who died overnight and running away too because I was scared I might get blamed for it etc. No one in my life will ever know those things. It's helped shape who I am, it's not who I am and therefore not relevant. That person isn't me, so why would I force her mind to think that it is when I know she wouldn't want that?
The man she sees standing before her is who I am, I'm not the guy who left some mother's son to rot alone in an abandoned building. It doesn't bother me in the slightest that happened, I'm over it, so it's irrelevant.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Hi, dont tell any furture BF, what is the difference with those woman that have FWB and you - You just got paid. I see that as double standards.
On this sight people have had a number of sexual partners again the only difference was you got paid.
Also you did it out of desperation and you now have a better job and you want a more secure life. Somethings are just best left in the past.
The fact that guys have one night flings and think its okay, why the double standards when a woman has a one night fling and get paid?
Your secret is unlikely to come out.
Dont contact this guy again, if he loves you and can accept you, he will come back on his own.
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female
reader, redbean  +, writes (27 February 2013):
You did nothing wrong. it would be worst if he finds out later. I am proud of you for what you did. It takes a lot of courage. You didn't say how long has it been since you told him. I assume 1 day? I would say give him 1-2 weeks. If he doesn't contact you then, I will say move on. On Yahoo questions some girl had a similar thing. i said to her that if a man cannot accept your past which cannot be changed than you need to find someone who does. It is better to find out if he is easily forgiving now before marriage and kids. This isn't really about your previous job. It is more about if in the future for example you done something wrong like cheated on him if he is still forgiving. Basically it is a good opportunity for you to find out what type of person he is. You shouldn't be too upset about this because you have never done anything wrong. If a guy really likes you, he would understand those are things in the past.
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I think you did the right thing by telling your boyfriend about your past. This is not a trivial thing and I am willing to bet most guys would want to know. While you are certainly a different person today than what you were yesterday and you had to do what you had to do to get by, some men may be turned off by the thought that you dated so many men in the past. It would have been disingenuous had you continued your relationship without letting him know this.
You don't specify the amount of time that has gone by, but if it is longer than a week and you want to satisfy your curiosity, give him a call and ask him where you guys are at. Understand that this choice is his, and his alone. Hopefully he'll see things through your eyes and realize that the person you are TODAY is not the one you were yesterday.
If he can't see that, the loss is his...
Eddie
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Its a issue really if you still continue to escort. If you have left that in the past then thats were it needs to stay. Yes its not the best image to have in mind of your lady wife lover being a escort its frowned upon but glorified in hip hop culture at the same time they degrade women that do it a double standard. Its a topic thats very sensitive for everybody I even heard before you fell in love with a stripper you not suppose to but it happens. The main thing to is to discuss it cause the cats out the bag so to speak. Then leave it at that past not future happenings.
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reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 February 2013):
Firstly I want to say you did the right thing. I think everyone deserves to know this type of information. These types of hardships and dark periods in one's life are meant to be shared with those who we are closest to us. Never think for a second that you should keep this hidden from your future partners as some people here have suggested. If my husband were an escort at any given point in time, I'd want to know. If my best friend, or a family member were an escort, I'd like to know as well. If you cannot share yourself, your life and your past freely with those who you're supposed to love and care about, then what kind of a relationship would you have? Can you imagine how your future husband would feel if 10 years down the line he somehow found out that you were an escort and that you never told him? Keeping secrets is not only silly, but it makes you look like a lair and a pretender.Having this type of a background will eliminate certain men out of your life. If it's a deal breaker for them, you should give them the opportunity to make that decision for themselves. This is exactly what you have done, and my hat goes off to you. He may very well keep with this original statement and not accept you into his life. I'd say give him 1-2 weeks to mull it over. If you don't hear from him, move on. There are men out there that will accept you and your past. He simply may not be that man.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Everyone says "Just don't tell future boyfriends about it" right now.
But what if her BF had found out some other way and then blown up because he felt decieved? People would be saying "He had the right to know since you were getting serious."
The OP's relationship is getting serious. This bit of history IS a big deal to most people. It was time to tell the guy, deal breaker or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): I'd say prepare to move on. You must first forgive yourself. You were in a desperate situation and may have chosen a solution that you'll have to deal with the rest of your life. That does not mean you don't deserve love. If this guy really loves you, he will find it in his heart to allow the past to remain the past. If he truly loves you, he will. Don't agonize over this. There are millions of men out there who also have a past. Don't we all? Maybe he needs time to digest such shocking news. You don't deserve to hold your life in limbo waiting for him to come around.I commend you for your honesty. Confession frees the soul.If you haven't come to terms with your past, and feel ashamed, don't expect anything more from others. Start working on yourself and let him go, if you must. If he can't see his future without you, he'll return. Don't run after him, no matter how hard it may be to resist the temptation. Fate has its way of changing things in your favor, if you have faith. You made a mistake, you've turned your life around, and that is what counts. Be proud of who you are and love yourself first.
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reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Why did you tell him? I don't understand. You did what you had to do back then to survive. It's none of his business really what happened in the past. I'd rather not know to be honest.
What matters is how you treat each other now. Not what happened a few years ago.
That would put any good man off to be honest.
As for what to do, give him some time off to have a think and if he's interested he'll be in touch. I would wait it out if I were you.
Next time, don't tell your man. It's irrelevant stuff from the past before this time. What matters is who you are now and how you treat each other.
As for Cerberus comment; "All it does is give guys reason to judge you unfairly and force them to mentally label you", much the same as a woman would judge a guy for being an escort too.
Same old double standards, it's OUR fault (us men) for not wanting to be with an escort. You do realise decent men are looking for decent attractive women with integrity much the same as most decent women are looking for decent attractive gentlemen right? The vast majority of decent women wouldn't want to be with a male escort.
Seriously, wait it out and in the meantime date other guys. In future, don't tell them about what you had to do in desperate times. If you want to talk about it just say you've had real hard times and had to work really hard to get through them and how you appreciate things more now (for example) and leave out the gory details. This isn't a Hollywood movie. That stuff doesn't work in real life.
He doesn't need to know that a few years ago things were so bad you began escorting in order to continue the relationship.
I do agree with Cerberus there when she says "being an escort is not who you are so why bring it up? What relevance has that part of your past got to do with the present, that's not who you are is it? What practical use is it for guys to know that then?"
I've seen Pretty Woman too and it's just not real. Personally, I wouldn't go out with a girl if I knew she was a hooker/stripper or an escort. However, if I was seeing a girl, we got on great, she treated me right and I loved her I would rather not know if she had done that in the past. It's irrelevant. The moment she tells me she used to do any of that she'd be OUT.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): This is a hard question to answer. If he said that he may not be able to look at you without the images of your past popping up then you may not want to be with him. We all have a past, but the keyword is past. If he can't see past it then you will sit in judgement and that is no way to live. Are you the only female he has ever been with physically? Are you to accept his sexual past but he cannot accept yours even though it was different. Your old profession does not define who you are as a person. So my advice is to continue on with your life, leave him to his and one day you will meet someone who loves you for you. If he calls and wants to try, then try but be careful with your heart. If he starts to really care for you he may have more of an issue than he does now. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): It depends on how long it's been OP. I'd give him 4 or 5 days then contact him and ask him to meet up for a chat.
It sounds like it may be a deal-breaker though OP.
OP next time don't open up about that. "Bad time in my life, I struggled and I don't want to think about it."
OP your sexual past is something we generally don't want to know. Sure plenty of guys say they do, but lots can't really handle it and get very retro-jealous.
I don't want a play by play of my partners sex life before me. It's irrelevant and will just give me shitty movies in my head. Especially escorting OP, you lived through that, why would you want to plant those images in the head of someone you want to be with? Can't exactly be your best memories, well imagine what enters a guy's mind when he hears that.
I had one ex who was raped, decided it would be a great idea not only to tell me but give me the whole brutal description, the number of guys, the gun, being beaten and raped for hours, the whole nine yards. She is forever linked to that in my mind, I wish it wasn't the case and even 9 years later when I think about her that pops into my head and it sucks.
OP most guys don't even want to know their girlfriend was promiscuous, you really don't want to plant the images of you hooking in their mind. It's very hard to deal with the idea that our precious love had hairy, old fat men wheezing on top of her for a few bucks, let alone have to deal with the mental or physical scars that doing that left on you.
Others will no doubt disagree with me and think you should be honest, it sounds like you think that's best too. But it's not a matter of honesty OP, being an escort is not who you are so why bring it up? What relevance has that part of your past got to do with the present, that's not who you are is it? What practical use is it for guys to know that then?
All it does is give guys reason to judge you unfairly and force them to mentally label you.
I hope I'm wrong and this guy just needed to absorb it and will give things a shot. But if I'm not, keep that part of your life in the past, if you've moved on then it's no longer relevant so why make it a part of future?
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