A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Every week for the past 3 months, whenever I go to my boyfriend's mums there is this girl there. This girl has openly admitted to liking my boyfriend for the past 5 years and purely doesn't like me on the bases I'm going out with him and she isn't. Also this girl is very opinionated and says what she likes and isn't afraid to put others down when their opinions don't agree which happens frequently.My boyfriend's mum always invites her round to her house or this girl shows up unannounced and she does nothing to kick her out but yet when this girl isn't there, she complains that she is there all the time etc...And I mean it when I say this is been happening for 3 months, Just after Christmas this started and I'm sick of it. It makes me so angry, especially when I can say something my boyfriend's mum doesn't like and she will have a go at me etc... but she would ignore her if she said the same thing later on. (This has actually happened). Also it's getting to me that my boyfriend's wee brother is prefering his "aunty" over me as thats what he calls herAll last week I got told that on Saturday (my boyfriend's little brother's 4th birthday) if i felt angry or provoked in anyway i could remove myself for the situation and cool off. So Saturday arrived, and his little brother started playing with me with his new toy medical set and within two minutes his mum went "Are you not going to take your aunty ......'s blood pressure?" and surely off he went not giving me a second thought. So for once it was his mother provoking me not this girl and I went upstairs to cool off because of how angry and hurt I was, I started playing games on my phone to cool off and within half an hour my boyfriend comes upstairs to shout at me for not being downstairs, so i went downstairs where he had another go at me saying infront of his friend saying im there for his wee brother not her dispite the fact i tried to explain it to him.And now, my boyfriends mum want's to "have a word" with me because of how atrocious my behaviour was on Saturday since this girl did nothing to provoke me, and also that if this girl can sit in a room being civil why can't I. (dispite the fact most weeks I sit silent)I don't know what to do anymore, because I have a bad feeling no matter what I say to my boyfriends mum she isn't gonna listen.HELP
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 Honestly, I'd stop coming over, if he wants to see you... he can COME see you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): Unfortunately the relationship between the other girl and your boyfriend's mother is already established. To tell you not to visit is unfair. Should your relationship advance to another level, you may be family someday. Your boyfriend has to man-up to both his mother and the trouble-making family friend. She will no doubt continue to sabotage all of his relationships for her own selfish reasons, with his mean-spirited mother to back her up. You should not be placed in the position to make your BF choose between you and his family/friends. If you were his spouse, that would certainly be the case. He would owe it to his spouse to defend her. In this situation, you will have to take charge. If he wants to see you, he will have to resolve his situation at home to make you feel comfortable.At this point, I know it is hard, but you will have to set an ultimatum. If he wants to see you, it will be at your home or he will have to take you out. When his mean old mom and self-appointed girlfriend decide they wish to treat you with the respect you deserve; then graciously accept future invitations. If he doesn't have the nuggets, find yourself a real man. Not a mummy's boy!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 February 2013):
 It's pretty obvious here that your boyfriend's mom wants this girl to be with your boyfriend, not you. That sucks, and it's almost like an arranged marriage of sorts.
You can't do anything about it, and the deck is stacked against you as far as the mom goes. The only person, I mean the ONLY person who can do something about it is your boyfriend.
He needs to tell his mom that he is with you and that there's nothing his mom can do about it. He doesn't want this girl over, because she has a crush on him and he wants nothing to get in the way of him and you. He needs to also tell this girl that he's not interested in her, will never be interested in her and she's not welcome when he's around.
If your boyfriend's mom wants to "have a word" with you, then by all means take her to task for the atrocious way she treats her son by putting him in this position. Tell her that this girl likes her son romantically and he does not reciprocate. Tell her that she is breaking her son's heart by trying to drive you out of the house, and that he'll never forgive her for it.
If it gets too much and neither your boyfriend nor his mother get the picture, then you need to cut your losses and leave those three to their little love triangle. Life is too short to have to fight for position. If your boyfriend doesn't have the spine to tell the girl off himself, then you have no chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should clarify, she's known his family for a year longer than me. We were on and off for the first two years of our relationship and have been together consistantly for another two so I'm not so much of a newcomer
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A
female
reader, malvern +, writes (26 February 2013):
 What a strange situation. Who is this girl? Is she a family friend or a neighbour? It seems to me that your boyfriends mother is being very insensitive towards your feelings. It's quite possible she finds the girl useful in helping out with, or entertaining, the four year old. The girl obviously means nothing to your boyfriend or he would feel uncomfortable with the situation. You have to make your boyfriend understand how you feel. Ask him how he would feel if there was another boy always at your house when he came to visit you. You need to come to an agreement with your boyfriend that you meet away from his house, possibly at your house, because it's not very pleasant for you be made to feel uncomfortable all the time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 February 2013):
 This is a sticky situation for your boyfriend. His female friend probably had known him and his family longer than you have. She is like a family , a free babysitter and they don't have the conscience to cut her off just because you are dating him. It's unfair for him to tell you to just suck it up. This girl is playing family, hoping to secure a place and would not let go.
Your boyfriend doesn't have feelings for her. She is there to drive a wedge in your relationship. My advice for you is to stop visiting his family. Without the drama of you there, she is forced to look at herself and what she is doing, forced to look at the reality that your boyfriend does not love her, no matter what she does.
Technically no one is provoking anything. There appears to be an established connection there and unfortunately you are a newcomer disrupting the routine. What upsets you is that no one is standing up for you. I would not tolerate this and I will have less respect for a man who is too wussy to break off a friendship and for leading her on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2013): hey, i was in the exact same position as you currently are: There are two options for you: - If you have already talked to your bf but he is not doing anything: Accept the situation as it is. This girl may be hanging around like a leach for many years to come (or until she's dating someone else) and apparently regularly invited to spend time with the family (and your bf's mom doesn't seem really nice). Do you imagine being in this same position for the next five years to come? - Break it off with your bf if you feel this is not what you want in a relationship. On personal circumstances, I tried to accept the situation where my bf and his ex-gf were still on talking terms and she was treated as if she was part of the family. I never made him chose between me and her because I never wanted to force him to make that choice and thought it would come naturally but the situation never happened. What happened years later is that all the frustration I had accumulated and chose to ignore just hit me and came out at once. I broke it off with my bf because I decided I didn't want anymore a relationship where I felt I was in second place and wanted to be with someone who I felt had more respect for me. After a few weeks apart, my bf had a frank talk with his ex and broke off all contact with her without the guarantee that I would even get back with him. We haven't got back together but the bottom line is that if your bf really loves you then he will do whatever it takes to make you happy. Never accommodate/settle if you feel frustrated in your relationship, especially when you are young and still have options in your life.
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