A
female
age
51-59,
*el70
writes:I need some help and advice, and maybe just need to have some sounding boards. I would like to make this simple, but I feel I need to add a lot of detail to make my relationship understood. So sorry if this runs long! My boyfriend is 50, I am 39. We have been together for 16 months. He is married, his wife has not lived in their home for 4 years. They do not have much contact, only when necessary. They will go months without talking. He doesn't get a divorce, because 1. he is a procrastinator and 2. he is worried about financial implications. and 3. I don't think he wants to be the bad guy. This is the first source of conflict in our relationship, although we rarely talk about it because it is a lost cause. I know I love him, and I want to be with him regardless of his marital status. But it is still not easy.The second issue is I made a poor decision and got myself a DUI about a year ago. I am still dealing with it, breathalyzers, classes, fees, the whole thing. I can't drive and my boyfriend spends a lot of time taking me where I want to go. I try to let him know how I appreciate him, but bottom line is I feel guilty, I feel like a little girl, I feel helpless and not at all strong and independent anymore. I know he is going through this with me and it has taken a toll on our relationship.Which leads us to the reason for writing. We fight about every 3 weeks. Sometimes serious, sometimes not so much. It results in me leaving to go back to my house (I have kept my own apartment), giving him a few days to cool off, then I usually contact him via email or text. Just something brief, letting him know that I think the fight is stupid and I would like to see him. I have learned that calling is not effective, as he won't pick up. After I contact him, he gives me the silent treatment and I proceed to fall apart. I get terribly lonely, I cry, I am continuously checking his facebook page to see if he has any new posts. I know this is crazy and borderline stalker, but I just have to feel that he is still in my life and I grasp at whatever I can. I don't have any friends. The few girlfriends I did have bailed on me gradually after my divorce (a little over a year ago) and the DUI. Half of the time I feel like I am in hell with the things that are going on in my life right now. Oh yeah, I was fired from my job too. This has been the worst and the best year of my life. The best is when my boyfriend and I are getting along, happy and laughing and loving each other. He is the light in my days. I know I shouldn't depend on him so much for happiness, but I do. I love him dearly. Should I just wait it out and hope he comes back like he has before? Should I contact him? I'm going crazy over here in my little apartment. I am consumed and I am depressed. But I don't want him to see this, because I don't want to be needy and push him away from me. He is everything to me and I miss him so much. I am cryiing so hard right now. I didn't say what this last fight was about. It's stupid really. His wife wanted to come over to pick up some things from the house (after 4 years she decides that she needs these items.) I think she is either ready to start legal proceedings, or she wanted to scope out the house to see if I was living there. He told her about me at Thanksgiving and that I would be attending all holiday functions with him. In other words, "don't come to my family's holiday gatherings." So anyway, when he found out she was coming he cleaned the house from top to bottom. I have never seen him do that. (he doesn't work and spends the majority of his time on facebook - another problem--or playing online poker.) It hurt me because it seemed to me that his wife is the only one or thing that can motivate him. Is it wrong for me to want to be the one to motivate him? Also, I found out that he had hidden all my clothes and personal items before she came over. Actually, that was my first impulse too, but then I decided that if she couldn't put on her big girl panties and deal with it, that was just too bad for her. She was the one that left him. So that kind of upset me, although I do understand why he did it. Still doesn't make me feel good. Then that night, he told me he'd be by to pick me up at 5. He shows up at 6:30. I asked him why and he didn't have a good reason. I simply said I wished he had called. It came up later, because the more I thought about it, the more disrespected I felt. And of course, this led to a fight. A minor fight. He went out to play poker, even kissed me goodbye and asked if I wanted to go. I stayed home and drank a beer. Turns out it was his last one, and when he got home, guess what? He started a fight over that! I feel like it was an excuse, to take the attention off of him and put some kind of wrongdoing back on me. Well, I warned you this would run long. Does anyone have any insights or advice or words of wisdom? Please help. I am trying everything I can to get through my days.
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female
reader, Mel70 +, writes (2 March 2010):
Mel70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you quiet-echo. Your words are true to me. They made me cry. I so much need to hear an unbiased opinion. It's funny, because all of those things need to be done. My pictures are extremely disorganized, as is my closet. My junk drawer is not bad at all, so maybe that's where to start. I must admit I was taken aback by the AA comment. But perhaps it's not a bad idea, and it would be a source of therapy that I could afford right now. I've drafted an email to my boyfriend, deleting sentences here and there, until it was short and sweet. But I haven't sent it. The simple act of writing it made me feel better. I'm going to try and get out tomorrow to do some of my community service and then to a social girls club tomorrow evening. (I joined it during our last fight.) After that I will decide if I want to send the email. Thank you again for your advice and your thoughts. It means so much to me to have someone to talk to.
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