A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I used an online dating site for the first time. I met a man that I was interested in meeting. We have been emailing each other once a day for 1 week. He keeps pointing out how much we have in common and how great I seem. He closed his account on the site after 2 days of emailing me. I'm wondering if that means something, I'm not sure. I asked him if he'd like to meet up since he hasn't asked. Now he's like, oh that would be great but we should talk on the phone first. ( he didn't ask for my number). Then, it seems he screwed up his email because he mentioned stuff we never discussed. So, he's talking to someone else I guess. Should I just stop talking to him? I'm disappointed that he made it seem he was only talking to me but I guess he's not. Advice please
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 That is quite common with online dating. There are going to be far more false starts than actual meet ups.
I find it really odd he would close his account just after emailing/Iming you. That would be red flag #1 for me.
Online dating tends to fall into two categories. People looking for hookups to meet their physical needs and people looking for relationships.
People who are looking for relationships SHOULD be open to seeing other people at the same time. Then after you meet someone you mutally click with and are on the same page of a monagamous relationship-you tell the other possible suitors goodbye. Dating is sort of like shopping. You are looking for the best fit.
In my experience, there were a lot of men that wanted me to chase them and compete for their attention. I dont:) I show interest and I take turns with planning out dates, converstations, phone calls, etc.
I have dated some wonderful guys that actually spoke up and asked me why I have not asked them out for a first date. I would reorientate them with the concept of DATING. Those experiences did not turn into long term relationships for me, but one of them said it made his dating life better! He figured out quickly than most women really love when a guy takes the lead for that first date!
Your potential interest may have had several potential ladies he was scanning and that is OK! He never took the initiative to ask you for your number. Now he sent you some stuff via email that you are sure was not meant to be addressed to you? Yep, let that guy slide.
While it is ok for him to be talking/dating other people he is not showing any interest in YOU personally.
There are going to be lots of dissapointments if you do not get rid of the notion that you should be the only woman a potential date is speaking to. It is unrealistic.
Never do anything you are not comfortable with in that dating phase and be clear about what you are looking for.
You took a brave step to ask him if he wanted to meet, but in the future let the guy step up first. If he does'nt, move on to other potential dates.
Good luck!
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 I tend to believe that the eyes are truely the widow to one's soul and the internet provides closed eyes. You should only have relationships with people you can see face-to-face so to "read their eyes not their words.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2011):
 You asked him to meet and he said let's talk but did not do anything to advance towards that (like ask for your phone number)
It's highly likely he's talking/emailing with others and you are not his only one. It's also likely that since you made the suggestion to meet and he refuffed that, he's not as interested as you are.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (12 October 2011):
Aunt honesty is spot on. I used a couple different dating websites for about a year and a half, and I can tell you from experience that basically *everyone* on dating websites has multiple conversations going at any given time. It it something you should just expect early on in the process. Think of it like virtual speed dating. Instead of meeting 10 or 20 people over a couple of hours, online dating lets someone get to know several people over several days or weeks.
It's the old "don't put all your eggs in one basket" approach. If a guy is genuinely looking for a good match, then it is a good thing that he's conversing with several prospective matches. The more women he talks to, the better the odds are that he'll find chemistry with one.
My advice is to echo what aunt honesty said - do your best to show that you are special and stand out from the other women. Furthermore, I challenge you not to get too fixated on any one guy, particularly right away like this. You've only been emailing him for a week and have never talked on the phone or met in person. Why not try messaging some other guys who have caught your eye?
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (12 October 2011):
Yes. It is a dating website and he should be talking to others as should YOU. You haven't even met in person yet, how is he supposed to actually like you and how can you like him enough?
I also joined a dating website and I have found guys repeatedly say "we have so much in common" but until they ask to meet you in person - a lot of it is talk.
Here's what I do. If I have a good vibe going back and forth with a guy, I will allow the emails to go back and forth for a week an a half. Then he should be asking for my # to meet for a drink or coffee if he's really interested. If he doesn't , I'll suggest a meet up and if he still doesn't take the bait - then stop emailing him.
I've come across a number of guys who seem to be using the site to
stroke their egos - have pretty girls to email and make text with - but
never want to meet up. I called one the "mad texter". He text me every day multiple times a day - cute flirthy things and then when I said "let's meet up" he disappeared. I found out later he has a GF. (I was curious and looked him up on FB)
Lesson here. Yes. There are shy guys on these websites - nice guys who need a little nudging after a week and a half of emailing - but there are also plenty of players looking at it as a way to find lonely women. Be smart follow your gut and keep your options open until someone comes along worthy of having all your love and attention.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2011): Online dating sites are kind of like speed dating. You talk to a bunch of people until you find something that matches up. Maybe he is talking to other women and maybe it was too much for him, which is why he closed the account. Or it could be other reasons.
Online dating has good and bad points. Best be cautious and take things slow.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 That's the thing with dating websites, people use them to see what options they have so off course he is probably writing to lots of other woman to see if he can find anybody interesting. He has obviously confused you with another woman that he is speaking to. Off course this can hurt your feelings. But don't let it put you off talking to him. At the end of the day you need to show him your personality and get to know him before you can both see if you click. So give him a chance, yes he is talking to others, but there is no harm in that so early on, if you both got to know each other more and ended up in a relationship well then yes it would be wrong then off him to be talking to other woman, but at the moment that is how it normally works. So show him that you are special and make yourself stand out against these other woman. Just see how it goes. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, tby1  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 i think youve answered your own question. move on.
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 Wow this is very quick, he is getting to know you, hasn't spoken on the phone to you yet, let alone met you and you expected him to not be talking to other people. I think that maybe you should relax a bit and take it slow, talk to him, ask him for his number, and then meet him before going through all this. If you had been going out exclusively for a long time, then I would say sure, but after just a week and your ready to give up because he may have been talking to other people seems very drastic to me unless your not interested in him at all. These things take time sweetie, and in a week I as a woman wouldn't have closed all doors on other people because I had started talking to a guy I think I might like. Give yourself and him a chance, it's only been a week that's nothing at all.
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