A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Howdy. I've been on here a couple of times before, and always got sound advice. Here's a quick basic rundown of what's happened to me. Lots of things have been omitted because I can go into immense detail but have tried not to for the sake of readability.Met a girl, got engaged a year later, she went to Uni in London and basically cheated on me for a year, I moved up there, found out, moved back to parents. Short, sweet, to the point. There was 100% proof that she cheated on me but she never actually admitted it to me, not sure why.I moved back home in late June, and she stayed there. The night we broke up I don't know WHAT happened, I brought up the subject of moving back home and she took it as read that I was moving, there was nothing she could do, and I was leaving her. At this point, I did know she had cheated on me and was no longer doing so, and thought I was being mature and sensible when I decided to stay with her regardless and make things better. Which they were.Things escalated very quickly. But that's all in the past. Just after I moved out, she met this other guy who moved in after a couple of weeks.So basically, I'm gutted that she wouldn't even stay home the night it all fell apart so I could explain what I actually meant, I found myself alone, still in love, and not knowing what the hell happened.As I mentioned, she is now with this.. This person, who is living where I lived for months. Did I really make such a small impression on her that she'd move on so fast? After 3 years of relationship?The other problem is that I'm STILL thinking about this, months and months later. I never got closure because she never admitted to cheating and I never really knew the reason we fell apart that night. I'm currently seeing someone, but that's not going great because of all this on my mind. Some days I'm fine, most days I feel.. Well, if anyone's lost the person they love the most in the world, you know. It hurts all the time.Should I be on my own until this goes away? What do I do to stop thinking about this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all. I left out bits like asking her about her cheating on me, which she always denied emphatically despite the proof which she could not explain away. You're right in saying I should be on my own, I guess I just needed confirmation of something I was already thinking.
And, ha, this is the second worst thing that ever happened to me relationship wise, and it's not exactly been gravy since I started being in relationships seven years ago. I've had so many bad experiences with women, but.. I don't know, I can't stand the thought of being alone. But it is something I need.
Thanks again for your support, insight and advice, all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): If you didn't make such a big impression in her heart, then you should definitely not give her the satisfaction of letting her make any sort of impression in yours.
Since no one knows what she thinks (except her), let's just face the facts: she has moved on. You should do the same. You deserve better, and in time the wounds will heal.
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): Sorry to hear what happened to you. You did do the mature and right thing by leaving her. But you missed the opportunity to confront her directly about her cheating. Why was she not phased? She may have felt guilty about cheating and found your leaving convenient because it meant she would never have to admit that she cheated at all; you allowed her to be a coward. You can replay events over and over and say you never got closure, but had you confronted her directly you still may not have gotten that closure that you wanted. You probably wouldn't have gotten emotional honesty which is what you ulitmately want from her. Had you confronted her, she may have denied it. She may have gotten upset and dramatic because she got caught, (not because she hurt you feelings). Even had you gotten a received an apology and remorse, you would still have to digest the fact that she lied to you and abused your trust. You would have never gotten what you wanted from her and that's what so painful about it...I'm sorry you're going through this, but I have to say you're probably handling this better than most. It probably doesn't feel like it, but you are in the best position you could be in now. Learning to trust other people will take time. You seem conscientious, thoughtful, and self-aware, so I'm sure it's something you can learn to do again. Maybe some alone time is a good idea. You don't want to do to others what she did to you and be emotionally unavailabe. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (17 February 2011):
 You have to stop looking back over your shoulder and keeping track of her. Your focus is on her and that is why you can't move on not because she is or was the love of your life.
See her for what she is not what you wanted to see. She is immature, shallow incapable of being faithful and having an adult relationship. She was able to forget you sight out of mind and cheat as well as rebound with someone new and quickly move in because her feelings lack depth to begin with. A person with a sound character does not behave like she does. That is your closure and all you need to know. You dodged a bullet because once you had gotten married she would have treated you badly, you would have been miserable.
Put your focus squarely on you, if you're not ready to be in a relationship then date others. Stop looking back at her it's over there's no going back and she has Nothing to do with your future happiness.
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (16 February 2011):
 I feel your pain. Three years is a lot of dedication to a relationship, but it takes two to tango.
She's most likely a very insecure person to monkey-bar so soon between men. This is something she needs to resolve herself. She's covering up wounds from the past with illicit sex.
She's chosen not to mend things with you. So, her insensitivity towards your feelings means she's in a very selfish time and you need to let her go. She's not able to give you what you need.
She probably didn't admit to cheating on you, because it's humiliating to be caught red handed and it exposes her vulnerability;(being addicted to sex, men...whatever). Crow is best served warm and it becomes harder to fess up to things over time. The fact she preferred to be dishonest about her feelings and failed to communicate with you is serious disrespect and you deserve better; like a woman of good virtue and self control.
You need a big chunk of time to get over this, by yourself, considering you can't focus on the new relationship you're in, (which isn't fair to the new woman).
So yes, you need to get right before you can make someone else happy.
Just so you know, not all women cheat. People handle pain differently and not all of us use good judgment. It's only until we're deep in the pit of despair do we realize that instant gratification isn't the way to sustained happiness, it only leads to sustained misery.
Take care of your heart and do what you love to do for a while, maybe do somethings that you've always wanted to try. This will empower you. :)
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